Spaz's X-mas joke...

**Spaz** · 12-13-2007, 10:27 AM

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the
trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast
as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to
feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was
coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found
that three of them were about to give birth and
two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven
knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of
the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the
ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a
cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he
went to the cupboard, he discovered that the
elves had hidden the liquor, and there was no-
thing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally
dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds
of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice
had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa
trudged to the door. He opened the door, and
there was a little angel with a great big Christmas
tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry
Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a
beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me
to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on
top of the Christmas tree.

**ss~zoso~ss** · 12-13-2007, 10:40 AM

sparknotes ?

lol

**ss~zoso~ss** · 12-13-2007, 10:40 AM

can we convert this to a one-liner?

**440 rwhp trans am** · 12-13-2007, 10:42 AM

haha funny!

**Spaz** · 12-13-2007, 11:22 AM

Originally Posted by ss~zoso~ss

can we convert this to a one-liner?

NO!!!

**SexOnWheels** · 12-13-2007, 12:01 PM

CHRISTMAS PARTY ANNOUNCEMENT

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 01, 2007

RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty
************************************************** *

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 02, 2007

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party.' The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

There will be no Christmas tree. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music. Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty

************************************************** ***

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 03, 2007

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non -drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, 'AA Only'; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

************************************************** ***

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from The dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the rest-rooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply 'No Sugar' desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

***********************************************

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F****** Employees

DATE: October 05, 2007

RE: The F****** Holiday Party

Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the 'grill of death,' as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!

*********************************************

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: October 06, 2007

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23 RD off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Joan

Cliffnotes: Read the F N joke FFS...

**2MuchFun** · 12-13-2007, 12:05 PM

wow that was alot of reading.

tell the veggitarians and fags not to come. simple as that.

**Spaz** · 12-13-2007, 12:28 PM

**SexOnWheels** · 12-14-2007, 06:42 AM

New rulz for 2008

New Rule #1 : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days -- mowing my lawn.

New Rule #2 : Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?? Trout?

New Rule #3 : Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule #4 : There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket; water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule #5 : Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule #6 : The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf Grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule #7 : I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule #8 : Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass and it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule #9 : Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!? They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule #10 : I don't need bigger, mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule #11 : No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule #12 : When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months ( e.g. 27 Months.) "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule #13: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"