The "All New" joke page...

[67CamaroRSSS]

All lifted from another car site (1st gen type) that I frequent...

IDIOT SIGHTING - I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00 I asked "May I have large bills, please?".
She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."
When I got up off the floor I explained it to her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IDIOT SIGHTING--- When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
"Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!"
His reply: "I know, I already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS
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IDIOT SIGHTING - We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said we had the largest one Sears made at the time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used Sears repair since.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IDIOT SIGHTING - My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.
She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.
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IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE - My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce. From Kansas City
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IDIOT SIGHTING - I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"
To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
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IDIOT SIGHTING - The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
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IDIOT SIGHTING - At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,'
our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.'
Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with the deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
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IDIOT SIGHTING - I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself
and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff’s office, no less.
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IDIOT SIGHTING - How would you pronounce this child's name?
"Le-a"
Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo .
Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It's pronounced "Ledasha".
When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name,
she said, "the dash don't be silent."
SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.
If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.

[pajeff02]

[35th-ANV-SS]

I've actually experienced a few of these lol.

[SMWS6TA]

A mother and her kids stop at Taco Bell for lunch. Her son was having problems in potty training. She smells something funny and thought he might have had an accident. She then asks him several times and each time the boy replies no. After a few minutes more she smells it again and it's getting worse. This time she asks again. The boy stands up on the bench, turns around and drops his pants and underwear and opens his butt checks and yells "It's just farts mom, see!!" To the mom's horror every one in the lobby sees and hears. Just as the woman get's her kids to the car an elderly man tells the boy "Don't worry son, I tell my wife the same thing when she accuses me of doing the same thing but never had the nerve to make the point like you did."

[024mula]

A woman and baby were in the doctor's examining room waiting for the doctor to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed," the woman replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered the woman. She did. He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Telling her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk."
"I know," said the woman. "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."

[024mula]

A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.

One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff. The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

The Master Chief answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."

The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office. The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear."

The Admiral threw him out also. The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?"

To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, "Yes. You wear contact lenses."

The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.

The Sergeant Major replied, "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ear."

[0rion]

A salesman knocks on the door of a house and a young kid about 13 answers the door.
He's got a cigar lit in one hand, a glass of bourbon in the other, and a playboy rolled up under his arm.
The salesman says "Good afternoon young man.......are your parents home?" to which the little boy says "What the fuck do you think?"

[024mula]

I was taking a shit in the restroom and this is what happened.............


I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other bathroom stall saying, "Hi, how are you?" I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom, but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"
And the other person said, "So, what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At this point, I was thinking this was too bizarre, so I said, "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
At this point I was just trying to get out as fast as I could, when I heard another question. "Can I come over?"
Okay, this question was just too weird for me, but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I told the person, "No... I'm a little busy right now!!!"
Then I heard the person say nervously, "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions".