joke thread.. NWS for words, filth, dirt, rude

**SexOnWheels** · 01-12-2009, 10:18 AM

Cooter and Gomer.

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends,

Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,

Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley.'

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley'

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'
'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'

**t-rock** · 01-12-2009, 05:01 PM

how do you know when its bedtime at micheal jacksons house?

when the big hand touches the little hand...

**LS1FirehawkWS6** · 01-12-2009, 05:33 PM

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

**Bowtie_girl30** · 01-14-2009, 04:06 PM

Not sure if this one has been said yet, I got this on my phone today:

A man gets on a place with 6 kids. A woman boarding the plane says "Aww, are these your kids?" The man replies "No I work for Trojan, these are customer complaints."

**Vexzer** · 01-14-2009, 04:12 PM

A man seeking to join a border state Sheriff's Department is being interviewed. The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

**TurboTom** · 01-14-2009, 05:41 PM

3 guys go skiing in the mountains..after a long day they decide to rent a cabin for the night but the cabin only came with 1 bed so they all slept together. In the morning the guy on da left wakes up and says "thats funny... i dreamt i was getting a hand job" the guy on the right wakes up and says "thats funny i had the same dream"...the guy in the middle wakes up and says "thats funny i dreamt i was skiing".

**4get gto** · 01-15-2009, 01:59 PM

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers. They panhandle in different areas of town. Carlos panhandles just as long as
Jose, but only collects 2 to 3 dollars each day, maybe 8 on a good day. Jose brings home a suitcase full of $10 bills,
drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house, and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos says to Jose, 'I work just as long and hard as you do, but how do you bring
home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?'

Jose says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say?'

Carlos sign reads, 'I have no work, my wife and 6 kids are hungry.'

Jose says, 'No wonder you don't get much money.'

Carlos says, 'So what does your sign say?'

Jose shows Carlos his sign.

It reads : 'I only need another $10 to move back to Mexico.

**SexOnWheels** · 01-26-2009, 10:44 AM

A fishing story

A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began his
day with an 8-pound bass on the first cast and a 7-pounder on the
second. On the third cast he had just caught his first ever bass over 11
pounds when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife
had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and
that he'd be there as soon as possible.

As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be
his best day ever on the water. He decided to get in a couple of more
casts before heading to the hospital. He ended up fishing the rest
of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he'd never seen,
with three bass over 10 pounds. He was jubilant!
Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty, he dashed to the
hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his
wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and
finished your fishing trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of
yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying
yourself on the pond, your wife has been languishing in the
ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it
will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take!"
"For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care.
And you'll be her caregiver forever!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.
The doctor then chuckled and said, ''I'm just fuckin' with you.
She's dead. What'd you catch?"

**FSANE** · 01-26-2009, 07:35 PM

Originally Posted by Vexzer

A man seeking to join a border state Sheriff's Department is being interviewed. The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

i don't get this one

**squee** · 01-26-2009, 07:55 PM

Originally Posted by FSANE

i don't get this one

Seriously?

**Y2KArcticSS** · 01-26-2009, 07:55 PM

Originally Posted by FSANE

i don't get this one

He only questioned killing the rabbit

**FSANE** · 01-27-2009, 09:26 AM

Originally Posted by Y2KArcticSS

He only questioned killing the rabbit

I don't blame him, I would too, but I don't find it funny.

Maybe its just me.

**irishpenguin13** · 01-27-2009, 10:26 AM

Originally Posted by robcas47

So this newly wed couple wants to have a baby,

and not only do they want to have a baby, they want to have a baby Boy,

and not only do they want to have a baby Boy, they want to have this baby Boy on a holiday,

so they try and try and try and finally they get pregnant, and make sure to make all the necessarry arrangements and take good care so as to insure that they have a successful pregnancy,

well nine months later the woman goes into labor,

the baby comes out and the couple asks, "doctor! is it a Boy!!!"

the doctor says, "uh yeah ummmm it's a Boy..."

then the couple asks, " one more thing doctor, does today happen to be a holiday?"

the doctor says, "yeah, sure thing, today is a holiday!"

and just then the doctor cuts the umbilical cord, wraps it around his wrist and starts swinging the baby wildly around the room, he's knocking over chairs, smashing windows, mirrors, into the wall, and then finally he slams the baby down to the floor and says,

"April Fools, the baby was dead already"

oh my god, i've never laughed so freakin' hard in my life.

**ZombieSlayer909** · 01-29-2009, 03:20 PM

Why does Micheal Jackson like twenty-six year olds?

Because there's 20 of them.

**basballny2** · 01-29-2009, 06:16 PM

...

**SexOnWheels** · 02-02-2009, 10:18 AM

Quarterly checkup

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said: "Things are great, and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that, Doc?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."

"One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge."

"He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead."

"Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said , "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly.”

**Boomer Sooner** · 02-02-2009, 10:23 AM

Originally Posted by SexOnWheels

Quarterly checkup

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said: "Things are great, and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that, Doc?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."

"One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge."

"He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead."

"Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said , "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly.”

**Willfully Armed** · 02-02-2009, 10:19 PM

Q-What do mexicans and cue balls have in common?

A- The harder you hit em, the more english you get.

Its ok for me to tell that joke, my uncle Antonio is mexican, he cuts my grass.

What do you call lesbians from the Sioux tribe? Fur Traders

How can there be two pissers in a crapper?

Old farmer in weastern Kansas is met in his driveway by two Federal agents, and one BATFE agent. One Fed identifies himself and states that they are there to investigate claims of a marijuana operation on his land.

Farmer nods in agreeance, only stating that they should stay out of the field surrounded by the electified barbed wire fence.

Fed thunders back that he is a United States FBI agent, and pulls his badge out, and says this badge in my hand says we can go where ever the fuck we please, now get out of our way.

Farmer goes about his daily chores paying no mind to the agents.

About a half hour later he hears screaming out of that very field he mentioned. He walks on down that way and sees the agents, barely ahead of his 2000 pound rodeo bull, and the bull is gaining with every stride.

Farmer says" Hey, maybe you ought to tell him about your badge!"

**SexOnWheels** · 02-05-2009, 10:08 AM

At 85 years of age, Roger married Marion, a lovely 45 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Marion decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Marion prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Marion hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Marion consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger Is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I Am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Marion and says, 'You mean I was here already?'

The moral of the story:
Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages