some jokes....

[024mula]

A couple walked into a dentist's office.
The man told the dentist, "Can you pull a tooth quickly? I'm really late! Another couple is waiting for us at the golf course and our tee time is in thirty minutes. I don't have time to wait for anesthetic to take effect."
The dentist thought, "This is one brave man, asking to have a tooth pulled without anesthetic."
The dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Honey, show him your tooth!

[024mula]

The following stament this not a joke by funny as hell, some people might find it cute.
.................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ...............

The most functional word is shit. That's right, shit. Shit may be the most functional word in the English language. Consider; you can get shit faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains. This may even be funny as shit. With little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit, or be asked to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit. Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shinola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit. Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you just feel like shit. You can have two much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up a creek of shit. Everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall into a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose. Once you stop to consider the facts, its the basic building blocks of english. And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else. You can vote on this shit, or not to do shit, if you don't give a shit. I hope you have a nice day without a bunch of shit.

[35th-ANV-SS]

Bad - Waking up in the morning to find a penis drawn on your face.


Worse - the penis was traced.

[Zapper2003]

Aahahaahahahahaahahahahaaha holy shit.

[0verkill]

sounds like a gorge carlin rant but its still good

[GTP231]

Bad - Waking up in the morning to find a penis drawn on your face.


Worse - the penis was traced.

Rough night this weekend?

[024mula]

Q. What did the dentist say after giving a dental cleaning in exchange for oral sex?
A. "Those are the whitest teeth I've ever come across."

[35th-ANV-SS]

Rough night this weekend?

This is the joke thread. If that was your attempt at one, you failed.

[GTP231]

No just asking if you had a rough night this past weekend. Your response makes me wonder...

[024mula]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies", her husband responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
"Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone," he said.

[024mula]

A blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love and your prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to commend you and to grant you anything you wish."
"Oh, Father, I am perfectly happy. I do what I love. The Church supports me. I am content. I need nothing."
"There must be something you would like," said God.
"Well, there is one thing."
"Name it," said God.
She frowned. "It's those blonde jokes. They're so demeaning, not just to me but to blondes everywhere. Can you stop them?"
"Consider it done," said God. "Blonde jokes are hereby stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But isn't there something I could do just for you?"
"Well, there's one thing. But it's really small and not worth Your time," she said.
"Tell me, please!" said God.
"It's the M&M's," she said. "They're so hard to peel!"

[Lunatikgixxer]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies", her husband responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
"Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone," he said.

lol i like this one

[024mula]

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway.
His wonder is cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4 a.m. Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for a party and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."
The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
"Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is," Bob explains.
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."

[Zapper2003]

My mom told me this one




How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower?











Hand her a snow shovel!

[024mula]

[024mula]

A guy goes to the local Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"
"Yes," he says. "I was in Viet Nam for three years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment," and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes 100% ... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10 a.m."
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m., then why do you want me to come in at 10 a.m.?"
"This is a government job" the interviewer explains. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls ... no point in you coming in for that."

[024mula]

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand ...and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'..."
The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.
The old priest says,... "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, 'No shit? What happened next'?"

[024mula]

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
"Excuse me," said the man. "I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, "Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?"
"I have no idea, but any time I talk to a pretty young woman like you, she seems to appear out of nowhere."

[suede]

now your on a roll lol theres some good ones

[024mula]

A man, visiting the zoo, was standing before the gorilla cage when a gust of wind blew some dust in his eye. He pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle and the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars of his cage, and beat the guy senseless.
When he came to, the zookeeper asked him what happened.
The man explained and the zookeeper said, "I'm not surprised. You see, in gorilla language, pulling down your eyelid means "F*¢k you."
The man vowed revenge.
The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. He hurried to the zoo, hid the sausage in his pants, and then went to the gorilla's cage. He tossed one party hat, one horn, and one knife into the cage.
Knowing that apes are natural mimics, he put on his party hat.
The gorilla saw him, looked at his hat, and put it on.
Then the man picked up his horn and blew it.
The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same.
Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage from his pants, and sliced it neatly in two.
The gorilla looked down at his knife, looked at his crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid!