joke thread.. NWS for words, filth, dirt, rude

**67CamaroRSSS** · 08-06-2008, 01:09 PM

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

**67CamaroRSSS** · 08-06-2008, 01:10 PM

A guy goes into an adult store in New York City and asks for an inflatable doll. Guy behind the counter says, 'Male or female?' Customer says, 'Female.' Counter guy asks, 'Black or white?' Customer says, 'White.' Counter guy asks, 'Christian or Muslim?' Customer says, 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?' Counter guy says, 'The Muslim doll blows itself up.

**'02DirtyBird** · 08-06-2008, 01:10 PM

What did the little black boy get for christmas?

Your bike.

Why dont you run over a black guy on a bike?

Because its probably your bike.

**67CamaroRSSS** · 08-06-2008, 01:11 PM

Did you hear about the fire in the three family walk up in New Jersey ? A black family of six lived on the first floor. They all perished in the fire. A Mexican family of eight lived on the second floor. They also perished. A white couple lived on the third floor. They survived. Jesse Jackson demanded to know why the whites survived when the others didn't. The fire chief said the answer was simple. The white couple were at work when the fire broke out.

**'02DirtyBird** · 08-06-2008, 01:14 PM

Originally Posted by 67CamaroRSSS

Did you hear about the fire in the three family walk up in New Jersey ? A black family of six lived on the first floor. They all perished in the fire. A Mexican family of eight lived on the second floor. They also perished. A white couple lived on the third floor. They survived. Jesse Jackson demanded to know why the whites survived when the others didn't. The fire chief said the answer was simple. The white couple were at work when the fire broke out.

**67CamaroRSSS** · 08-06-2008, 01:18 PM

I was going through some old books the other day and came across some classics I'd forgotten all about... "Under the Bleachers" by Seymor Butts, "Yellow River" by I.P. Freely, "Race to the Outhouse" by Willie Makeit, "SonOfABitch!" by Betty Dont, "Smokin' Nuts" by Phil Latio, "Deep Sea Divin'" by Connie Lingus, "High Hurdles" by Mr. Numnuts, "Rusty Bed Springs" by I. P. Nightly, "Shorter Mini-skirts" by Seymour Cooter, "Sliding down the Flag Pole" by Dick Burns, "Sex with a Virgin" by Buster Cherry, "The Lion's Revenge" by Claude Balls, "Blood on the Saddle" by Max E. Pad, "A Long Walk" by Miss DeBus and "Hard Life in China" by Rick Shaw.

**'02DirtyBird** · 08-06-2008, 01:19 PM

An Irish guy and a Polish guy are sittin in a bar watchin the news about a guy about to jump off a building. Irish guy says "I'll bet you $20 he jumps" and the polish guy agrees. Guy jumps and kills himself so the pollack pays up. A little later the Irish guy says " I have to admit I saw this on the news earlier so I knew he was gonna jump" so the pollack says "I did too I just didnt think he'd do it again".

**67CamaroRSSS** · 08-06-2008, 01:20 PM

Q: Why don't Mormons make love standing up?

A: They don't want anybody to think they're dancing.

**67CamaroRSSS** · 08-06-2008, 01:22 PM

A gynecologist had become fed up with high cost of malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to find another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to make a major career change and become a Harley mechanic. He found out from the local community college what was involved, signed up for the classes and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the former gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had scored 150%. He called the instructor, saying “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there was an error.” The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You also put the engine back together perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.” The instructor went on to say, “I gave you that extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler.

**'02DirtyBird** · 08-06-2008, 01:22 PM

What a word that starts with N and ends with R that you would never want to call a black person?

Neighbor.

Why dont black guys like blowjobs?

They dont like any jobs.

**67CamaroRSSS** · 08-06-2008, 01:49 PM

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? "It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general... and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, Mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee!"

**67CamaroRSSS** · 08-06-2008, 01:50 PM

Q: What is the leading cause of death with lesbians?

A: Hair balls.

**67CamaroRSSS** · 08-06-2008, 01:50 PM

How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail?.... You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive. What can Life Savers do that men cannot?..... Come in five flavors. What is good on pizza but bad on pussy?..... Crust. Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?..... Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork. How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?..... If your girlfriend chews before swallowing. What do you get when you get Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy together?..... A red headed bitch with a yeast infection. How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh?..... By sticking your finger in his honey. What is the ultimate rejection?..... When your masturbating and your hand falls asleep. What does pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?..... Both can smell it but can't eat it. What do you call a blonde with pigtails?..... A blow job with handle bars. What do you get when you mix a rooster with a telephone pole?..... A 30ft cock that wants to reach out and touch someone. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?..... A cherry float. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?..... Beat IT - we're closed. Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?..... To find a tight seal. What's the difference between sin and shame?..... It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out. What's the speed limit of sex?..... 68; at 69 you'll flip over and eat it. Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?..... She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!" What's another name for pickled bread? Dill-dough. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants? He heard the snow blower coming. What's the difference between light and hard?..... You can sleep with a light on. Why is sex like a bridge game? You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

**67CamaroRSSS** · 08-06-2008, 01:53 PM

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, 'So y'all want to be cops, huh?' The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, 'To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth.' So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. 'Now,' he said, 'did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?' The blonde immediately said, 'Yes, I did He has only one eye!' The detective shook his head and said, 'Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!' The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, said, 'What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?' 'Yes! He only has one ear!' The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, 'Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!' The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, 'This is probably a waste of time, but ... He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, 'All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?' The blonde said, 'I sure did.. This man wears contact lenses.' The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, 'You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?' The blonde rolled her eyes and said, 'Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses.'

**67CamaroRSSS** · 08-06-2008, 01:54 PM

Donald Duck walked into a drugstore and asked for a packet of condoms. "Certainly, sir," said the lady behind the counter. "Shall I put them on your bill?" "No way!" replied Donald Duck. "What do you think I am, a dickhead?"

**1 TRANS AM** · 08-06-2008, 01:55 PM

What is the fastest land animal??

An Eithopian CHICKEN!! HAHAHAHA

**67CamaroRSSS** · 08-06-2008, 01:56 PM

A father believed his son was spending way too much time playing video games on his computer. So, in an effort to motivate his son into focusing more attention to his schoolwork, the father tried to lay down the law. "When Abe Lincoln was your age," the father said, "he was studying books by the light of the fireplace." Without looking up from his game, the boy replied, "When Lincoln was your age, he was The President of The United States."

**67CamaroRSSS** · 08-06-2008, 01:57 PM

One day a miserable toothbrush sits down and says, ''Sometimes I feel I have the worst job in the world.'' Then the toilet paper yells, "Think again buddy!"

**67CamaroRSSS** · 08-06-2008, 01:59 PM

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex. After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex. When the results of the French study were released, Canada decided to conduct their own study. The Canucks didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of right around $75.00, the Canadian study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead!

**67CamaroRSSS** · 08-06-2008, 02:01 PM

Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a shit." The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and shit." The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass." The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?" The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea-- I'll use that!" He left and came back with shit all over his hands and clothes. His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?" The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"