joke thread.. NWS for words, filth, dirt, rude

**pajeff02** · 10-14-2009, 07:12 AM

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, "13...13...13..."

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on...

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting "14...14...14..."

**pajeff02** · 10-16-2009, 01:16 PM

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

As they set at the dining room table, John asked his son, "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" Tommy replied, "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project." Without any warning, the robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school." Shocked from what had just happened, Tommy mumbled, "We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie."

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy. The robot again went around to Tommy and slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I'm sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John, "when I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Upon seeing this, Marsha doubled over in laughter. In tears from laughing so hard she said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

**4get gto** · 10-16-2009, 01:19 PM

Originally Posted by pajeff02

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, "13...13...13..."

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on...

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting "14...14...14..."

LOL............

I would have been the 15th.................

**pajeff02** · 10-21-2009, 09:22 AM

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. Just before leaving, the Mrs. developed a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the "new babe" that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars in the parking lot and had a quickie. Just before the unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." She asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to..."

**4get gto** · 10-21-2009, 03:41 PM

funny ^^^^^^

**fbod91** · 10-21-2009, 09:01 PM

Q: why did hitler kill himself?
A: ha saw his gas bill

**SexOnWheels** · 11-03-2009, 10:55 AM

Roping a Deer

Author unknown - for good reason!!!!

Actual letter from someone who farms, He writes well and tried this:

I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on
corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this
adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my
cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a
bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I
am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to
rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then
hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The
cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not
having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them. I
picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and
threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the
rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold.

The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly
concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took
a step away. I put a little tension on the rope .., and then received an
education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just
stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to
action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a
deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight
range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no
chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling
it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and
started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer
on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The
only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me
off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes
to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the
big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed
venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it
would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no
love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and
I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.
Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly
arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks
as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to
recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of
responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have
to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my
truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a
squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could
get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite?

They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would
bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ... I reached up there to grab
that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you,
it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let
go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit bull.. They bite
HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw
back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was
ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it
was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you
may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy
tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and
pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their
back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves
are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal
--like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away
easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an
aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back
down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse.. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would
not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I
screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always
been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that
there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer
may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong
and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in
the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately
leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they
do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying
there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I
know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope to sort
of even the odds..

All these events are true so help me God... An Educated, Bruised and
Bleeding Rancher.......................

**pajeff02** · 11-03-2009, 11:49 AM

^^ lmao!

**c5z28** · 11-03-2009, 02:02 PM

Roping a deer

That was well worth the read.

**4get gto** · 11-03-2009, 02:09 PM

Originally Posted by c5z28

Roping a deer

That was well worth the read.

Yea it was.......As a matter of fact I am going to copy this and take it to our next car club meeting and give it to the "Hunters of the club" to read and enjoy.............

**CamaroFan71** · 11-10-2009, 01:31 PM

Originally Posted by SexOnWheels

Roping a Deer

Author unknown - for good reason!!!!

Actual letter from someone who farms, He writes well and tried this:

I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on
corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this
adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my
cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a
bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I
am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to
rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then
hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The
cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not
having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them. I
picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and
threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the
rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold.

The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly
concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took
a step away. I put a little tension on the rope .., and then received an
education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just
stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to
action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a
deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight
range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no
chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling
it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and
started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer
on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The
only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me
off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes
to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the
big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed
venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it
would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no
love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and
I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.
Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly
arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks
as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to
recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of
responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have
to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my
truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a
squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could
get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite?

They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would
bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ... I reached up there to grab
that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you,
it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let
go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit bull.. They bite
HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw
back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was
ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it
was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you
may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy
tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and
pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their
back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves
are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal
--like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away
easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an
aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back
down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse.. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would
not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I
screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always
been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that
there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer
may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong
and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in
the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately
leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they
do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying
there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I
know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope to sort
of even the odds..

All these events are true so help me God... An Educated, Bruised and
Bleeding Rancher.......................

HAHAHAHAHAHA fucking epic!!!!

**BdAsBrd01** · 11-16-2009, 11:31 AM

What sound do pigs make?

A kindergarten teacher in Detroit asked her students if they could tell the class what sound a pig makes. Little Tyrone stood up and said: "Up against the wall, motherfucker!"

I'm guessing there are not too many farms in Detroit.

**BdAsBrd01** · 11-16-2009, 11:33 AM

A little girl wrote to Sarah Palin and asked, "How did the human race start?"
Sarah Palin answered, "God made Adam and Eve." "They had children, and so was all mankind made."

Two days later, the girl wrote to Michelle Obama and asked the same question. Michelle Obama answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl went to her father and said, "Daddy, how is it possible that Sarah Palin told me the human race was created by God, and Michelle Obama said the human race evolved from monkeys?"

Her father answered, "Well, honey, it is very simple. Sarah Palin told you about her ancestors, and Michelle Obama told you about hers."

**justinmc978** · 11-16-2009, 11:35 AM

Originally Posted by BdAsBrd01

A little girl wrote to Sarah Palin and asked, "How did the human race start?"
Sarah Palin answered, "God made Adam and Eve." "They had children, and so was all mankind made."

Two days later, the girl wrote to Michelle Obama and asked the same question. Michelle Obama answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl went to her father and said, "Daddy, how is it possible that Sarah Palin told me the human race was created by God, and Michelle Obama said the human race evolved from monkeys?"

Her father answered, "Well, honey, it is very simple. Sarah Palin told you about her ancestors, and Michelle Obama told you about hers."

guilty of laughter

**BdAsBrd01** · 11-16-2009, 11:36 AM

Originally Posted by justinmc978

guilty of laughter

**0verkill** · 11-16-2009, 08:36 PM

Originally Posted by BdAsBrd01

A little girl wrote to Sarah Palin and asked, "How did the human race start?"
Sarah Palin answered, "God made Adam and Eve." "They had children, and so was all mankind made."

Two days later, the girl wrote to Michelle Obama and asked the same question. Michelle Obama answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl went to her father and said, "Daddy, how is it possible that Sarah Palin told me the human race was created by God, and Michelle Obama said the human race evolved from monkeys?"

Her father answered, "Well, honey, it is very simple. Sarah Palin told you about her ancestors, and Michelle Obama told you about hers."

**c5z28** · 11-28-2009, 12:03 PM

he phone rings at the military motor pool and an authoritative voice demands to know how many vehicles are operational.

Paddy answers, "We've got 12 trucks, 10 utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-assed colonel drives around in." There is a stony silence.

"Do you know who you are speaking to?" demands the gruff voice.

"No," says Paddy.

"It is the so-called fat-assed colonel you so insubordinately referred to."

"Well, do you know who you are talking to?"

"No," roars the colonel.

"Well thank goodness for that," says Paddy as he hangs up the phone.

**SexOnWheels** · 11-28-2009, 05:55 PM

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead..'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry...
How soon can I go home?'

Happy Mental Health Day!

You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend...

Done my part

**c5z28** · 11-29-2009, 12:58 PM

An armless man
walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms. The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him. The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?" The bartender quickly replies -, "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."