think wife is cheating and or using drugs,need to vent

**taylorjt4** · 07-26-2011, 05:22 PM

Wow, it must be a bug going around..... my wife and I have been married 5 years, together for 7. We have a 6 year old and a 1 one year old. Three saturdays ago, she tells me that she wants a seperation, out of the blue. Wanted me to move out, leave her at the house with they boys while I continue to pay all the bills! Says she hasnt been happy in 3 years, but no one, family or friends had any clue about this. She had starting working 3rd shift at a gas station, and Im afraid that she got some bad advice, maybe drugs or another man or something but totally blindsided me. I ended up with the house after a big ole fight where she had invited a "guy friend" over to chit chat with her and her sister. She lied about it, I caught them at the house, not doing anything but watching tv, I asked him to leave and then told her to get out. She proceded to hit me, rip my shirt off, and come at me again. I pushed her away, she fell back over a hamper and hit her head and elbows on a door. She called the cops, I was arrested with domestic abuse and have court next month. Needless to say, it aint going well. Ive got the boys though and she rarely sees them. Very messed up situation so I feel your pain man!

**0rion** · 07-26-2011, 05:35 PM

Originally Posted by taylorjt4

Wow, it must be a bug going around..... my wife and I have been married 5 years, together for 7. We have a 6 year old and a 1 one year old. Three saturdays ago, she tells me that she wants a seperation, out of the blue. Wanted me to move out, leave her at the house with they boys while I continue to pay all the bills! Says she hasnt been happy in 3 years, but no one, family or friends had any clue about this. She had starting working 3rd shift at a gas station, and Im afraid that she got some bad advice, maybe drugs or another man or something but totally blindsided me. I ended up with the house after a big ole fight where she had invited a "guy friend" over to chit chat with her and her sister. She lied about it, I caught them at the house, not doing anything but watching tv, I asked him to leave and then told her to get out. She proceded to hit me, rip my shirt off, and come at me again. I pushed her away, she fell back over a hamper and hit her head and elbows on a door. She called the cops, I was arrested with domestic abuse and have court next month. Needless to say, it aint going well. Ive got the boys though and she rarely sees them. Very messed up situation so I feel your pain man!

this is a very good point to get across.........no matter what happens do not put your hands on her PERIOD........NO MATTER WHAT. Let her kick your ass and hopefully she'll leave marks on you.....call the police and have her ass carted off to jail. If you touch her at all you're going to jail. O.J. saw to it that no man will ever be able to touch a woman even in self defense without going to jail.

**taylorjt4** · 07-26-2011, 05:40 PM

Originally Posted by 0rion

this is a very good point to get across.........no matter what happens do not put your hands on her PERIOD........NO MATTER WHAT. Let her kick your ass and hopefully she'll leave marks on you.....call the police and have her ass carted off to jail. If you touch her at all you're going to jail. O.J. saw to it that no man will ever be able to touch a woman even in self defense without going to jail.

Yea, even though she hit me first and even put that in her statement, because she had marks on her, I had to be arrested. Police officer told me that, even said, it was the OJ law. Didnt have to go to jail though, taken to the courthouse, talked to the magistrate, no jail, unsecured bond. Cop said it went as well as it could for me....hopefully will be the case at court too.

**0rion** · 07-26-2011, 05:48 PM

Originally Posted by taylorjt4

Yea, even though she hit me first and even put that in her statement, because she had marks on her, I had to be arrested. Police officer told me that, even said, it was the OJ law. Didnt have to go to jail though, taken to the courthouse, talked to the magistrate, no jail, unsecured bond. Cop said it went as well as it could for me....hopefully will be the case at court too.

you're gonna need a ton of luck.......they don't play that shit anymore. You touch her and you're guilty. Hope it works out for you and maybe you posting here might come in handy for the OP......if it comes to violence let her beat your ass to a pulp.

**35th-ANV-SS** · 07-26-2011, 06:05 PM

Didn't read every reply, but I know enough about women and read enough to know my answer. Follow your gut. It is right, 100%. Don't live in denial and let your feelings for her try to hide the fact of what is REALLY going on.

Think with your head and not with your heart.

Good luck bud.

**allbaugh_04** · 07-26-2011, 06:12 PM

So do you have a good relationship with her siblings or parents? Might want to see if they are experiencing the same behavior and explain your concerns.

**TLS_Addict** · 07-26-2011, 06:44 PM

Originally Posted by allbaugh_04

So do you have a good relationship with her siblings or parents? Might want to see if they are experiencing the same behavior and explain your concerns.

Good call. I did this and was called a snoop. lol

**allbaugh_04** · 07-26-2011, 06:49 PM

I think a lot of people are in the wrong when it comes to that. I don't think anything is off limits when it comes to dealing with your significant other.

**SeVeReDiStOrTiOn** · 07-26-2011, 07:05 PM

OP, it sounds like you suspect cheating and from what you wrote I agree. Your story, along with everyone else's, is similar to mine but without the kids. Depending on your domestic violence laws you might want a witness there to prove you didn't touch her. She could smack herself and claim you did it...bam you're in jail. Best of luck bro and keep your head up there's better women out there...somewhere

**Detroit Power** · 07-26-2011, 07:22 PM

True statement: if the police come out for a domestic violence call 99% of the time someone is going to jail.

Is it out of the ordinary that she's taking cash out of the ATM? My wife and I never use cash...always debit cards. When she goes away to blogging conferences all of a sudden she's withdrawing money from ATMs and paying with cash. I don't suspect her of cheating though...I just figure she's out late/drinking more than she probably should be and doesn't want to use our joint card because I'd see the charges. No paper trail with cash though.

In your case though, I'd be pretty suspect. I hate to be the one to plant those seeds in your head, but what do you think she'd be using the money for? Drugs? Hotel room? Ask yourself the question too...which is worse? Her cheating on you or her using drugs?

I've been in a similar situation (ex GF, before meeting my wife) where I had questions that ate me up. As it turned out, I was right and she admitted she'd been cheating on me after we broke up. If the signs are there, trust your gut and do some digging. Hopefully, for your family's sake you'll find out nothing is wrong.

**whitelightnin99** · 07-27-2011, 05:03 AM

Ok i so we had somewhat of a civil conversation last night and as of right now, im still confused as to what the money is for but here is her excuse. She has another "meeting" Thursday and Friday (next 2 nights) at the beach. Last week she said one of her cousins called and they are having a bachelorette party at the beach Saturday night. She doesnt go out with any of her friends that much so i said fine, go have fun. She still says she doesnt remember how much she tried to take out but i know it was $300. She says she wanted some spending money and some extra money in case she needs to leave me in case i do something stupid. WTF? Since i write all the checks and keep track of what we owe for all bills, she accuses me of "being in control" of all the money. I told her she has the same debit card, credit card, checkbook and access to the same online info as i do so thats bullshit. At the end of August she is planning a girls trip to go see Kid Rock in Charlotte so some of this money is apparently going towards the hotel they are getting together. She says one of the girls was taking their money and putting it on a prepaid visa to book the room.Ive never put my hands on her, never have and never will. She wrote a 4 page sob story last night about how she is afraid i might do something to her and that she is scared to come home sometimes. I cant believe she would even say that, im not some sort of monster and anyone that knows me can vouch for that. Im a damn good dad and just dont deserve any of this . I told her if she REALLY and TRULY is scared or whatever of me then we just need to go our separate ways b/c that is crazy. I know one of our biggest problems is pride, neither of us back down. Another is for the entire time we've been married, weve been raising kids. We havent had time to really get to know one another to even know if we are in love. Its obvious we care about each other but we arent in love. She doesnt even show our kids love like i do. Not once has she ever just randomly walked by and picked one of them up and just hugged and kissed them, never. I still just dont know what to do. I did write her back late last night and both letters are gone so im sure she is making copies of them. I kept that in mind while i was writing btw. Anyways, all i know for now but thanks again for listening

**35th-ANV-SS** · 07-27-2011, 05:20 AM

She is playing the classic "put the blame on you and make you feel like the guilty one" because she knows she's the one doing something wrong. Women LOVE to do that.

**whitelightnin99** · 07-27-2011, 05:30 AM

Originally Posted by 35th-ANV-SS

She is playing the classic "put the blame on you and make you feel like the guilty one" because she knows she's the one doing something wrong. Women LOVE to do that.

My boss knows us both pretty well and she just said the exact same thing you did and i believe you both are right. It just really bothers me to hear her say she is scared to come home to me?? To come home to what? a hot cooked meal, clean house... mowed yard? i just cant believe she would say that but like my boss said its the only thing she can prob. come up with to push my buttons and she knows that

**35th-ANV-SS** · 07-27-2011, 05:36 AM

She knows you well...she knows EXACTLY what to do to you and say to you to make you fall into her mind game. Don't.

I know this is harder being that you're married and have kids together, but the same rule applies and I'd give the same exact advice to a guy with a gf.

**10spokess** · 07-27-2011, 05:41 AM

I just went through the same lying and stuff except she was using my money and we broke up but she got to keep the dam^ apartment and my S10 because she had no job and I was nice. But me and my cousin just bought a new house together and it always works for the better because my driveway now has a 2002 SS (My car)
2 Big Turbo Gti's, a 350z and a SER altima that I can drive whenever I want. The two nissans are my older cousins and the GTI's are my younger cousins.

**Spaz** · 07-27-2011, 05:43 AM

here is what you NEED to do and start doing it now...

document EVERYTHING... write it all down... because shit will not work out... you'll both separate and she will try to screw you over.... she already has a "i'm scared to come home" story documented some where... what do you have??? a judge is going to say "she has a blog (or what ever) that she is scared... i'm supposed to just take you word that you're not going to hurt her?" and then you're up shit creek with no paddles...

**whitelightnin99** · 07-27-2011, 05:59 AM

Originally Posted by Spaz

here is what you NEED to do and start doing it now...

document EVERYTHING... write it all down... because shit will not work out... you'll both separate and she will try to screw you over.... she already has a "i'm scared to come home" story documented some where... what do you have??? a judge is going to say "she has a blog (or what ever) that she is scared... i'm supposed to just take you word that you're not going to hurt her?" and then you're up shit creek with no paddles...

That is a great idea and i actually started yesterday morning but dont have exact dates and times on some of the stuff. Think it has to be super specific to be valid in court?

**7998** · 07-27-2011, 06:08 AM

Let me take a different approach to this and let me preface it by saying I don't know either one of you so some it my not be valid.

The money thing may not be what your thinking. She may want the independence of having the money and taking it without a prior discussion may be a display of will, sort of a "It's my money, my life, I'm taking , too bad".

It sounds to me that there is a serious lack of comunication between you two. That is something many of us go through and the only way to get past that is to open up and be honest.

Pride is destructive.

You both married young. She may be having doubts and regrets about the decisions she made and wondering if there is more to life. Especially if she is working with other single women who are singing the praises of there loneliness.

But nothing is more rewarding than making your family work, raising your childern together, saving them the trauma of separation. Years of growing together as a couple and being there for eachother through all the shitty times and knowing that good times are ahead. There is always ruts. You both have to decide whether you want to fix it.
It may be more than comunication, you two may have to learn to comunicate first. Maybe you need time apart, maybe you need time alone together to re-discover yourselfs, maybe its not worth it to you or her.
She is afraid you'll do something, your afraid of other things. You both need to talk honestly and and figure it out.

Thats just my opinion, I hate to see families break up.
(Corny analogy time)
If your rear was starting to hum and getting louder each day would you try an diagnose the problem and fix it or just sell the car.

Again, Good luck

**Spaz** · 07-27-2011, 06:13 AM

Originally Posted by whitelightnin99

That is a great idea and i actually started yesterday morning but dont have exact dates and times on some of the stuff. Think it has to be super specific to be valid in court?

as specific as you can be... the more specific the better...

**FasstChevys** · 07-27-2011, 07:15 AM

Originally Posted by whitelightnin99

Ok i so we had somewhat of a civil conversation last night and as of right now, im still confused as to what the money is for but here is her excuse. She has another "meeting" Thursday and Friday (next 2 nights) at the beach. Last week she said one of her cousins called and they are having a bachelorette party at the beach Saturday night. She doesnt go out with any of her friends that much so i said fine, go have fun. She still says she doesnt remember how much she tried to take out but i know it was $300. She says she wanted some spending money and some extra money in case she needs to leave me in case i do something stupid. WTF? Since i write all the checks and keep track of what we owe for all bills, she accuses me of "being in control" of all the money. I told her she has the same debit card, credit card, checkbook and access to the same online info as i do so thats bullshit. At the end of August she is planning a girls trip to go see Kid Rock in Charlotte so some of this money is apparently going towards the hotel they are getting together. She says one of the girls was taking their money and putting it on a prepaid visa to book the room.Ive never put my hands on her, never have and never will. She wrote a 4 page sob story last night about how she is afraid i might do something to her and that she is scared to come home sometimes. I cant believe she would even say that, im not some sort of monster and anyone that knows me can vouch for that. Im a damn good dad and just dont deserve any of this . I told her if she REALLY and TRULY is scared or whatever of me then we just need to go our separate ways b/c that is crazy. I know one of our biggest problems is pride, neither of us back down. Another is for the entire time we've been married, weve been raising kids. We havent had time to really get to know one another to even know if we are in love. Its obvious we care about each other but we arent in love. She doesnt even show our kids love like i do. Not once has she ever just randomly walked by and picked one of them up and just hugged and kissed them, never. I still just dont know what to do. I did write her back late last night and both letters are gone so im sure she is making copies of them. I kept that in mind while i was writing btw. Anyways, all i know for now but thanks again for listening

That is one of the most worn out excuses women use for this type of stuff. Listen to Orion and Spaz - 1. Don't ever hit her. 2. Document everything, and be as specific and detailed as you possibly can. Good luck man - I hope it works out for you.