Tales of Orion

**Sarge** · 02-07-2009, 03:25 PM

Two Santa Clarita women are sitting at a table in a coffee shoppe in such an obviously celebratory mood that a man drifts over intending to offer to buy them something to drink. When he gets close he hears one say to the other "Here's to 17 days!" Smiling, the man says, "Congratulations! What's so special about 17 days?"
Eyes twinkling, KahanaReef explains, "Well, we've been spending our evenings working on a jigsaw puzzle! And it said 3-5 years on the box, but we finished it in only 17 days!"

**Sarge** · 02-07-2009, 03:27 PM

Originally Posted by KahanaReef

Stupid Doctor... my Red Highlights come from a bottle! I was born a blond

Once upon a time, KahanaReef (a true blond) became so sick of hearing blond jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed red. A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"
The shepherd, always the gentleman, replied, "Of course."
KahanaReef thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352."
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right. Okay. I will keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."
KahanaReef carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful then the others.
When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"

**Sarge** · 02-07-2009, 03:33 PM

Orion, a ventriloquist and chronic house cleaner, is doing a show at a local club. With Ed on his knee, he's going through his usual repertoire of dumb blond jokes.
Suddenly KahanaReef (a true blond) in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype a woman that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and reaching our full potential as a person, just because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blond, but women in general! And all in the name of so-called humor!"
Orion is shocked. He begins to apologize when the blond yells, "You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to the little jerk on your knee."

**Sarge** · 02-07-2009, 03:36 PM

**Sarge** · 02-07-2009, 03:41 PM

Eugenio_SS is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.

His friend Spaz stops him and asks, "Hey Eugenio_SS! Whatcha got that case of beer for?"

"Well, I got it for my wife, you see?" answers Eugenio_SS.

"Wow," exclaims Spaz, "Great trade."

**Sarge** · 02-07-2009, 03:45 PM

An American (Orion), a Aussie (FireBug) and a Canuk (Eugenio_SS) were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on Orion, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well," said the Orion, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then Eugenio_SS and FireBug and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $100, we could return to the earth."

He continued, " So of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $100, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the Orion, FireBug the Aussie was haggling over the price and the Canadian Eugenio_SS was waiting for the government to pay for his."

**Crimson Sin** · 02-07-2009, 03:48 PM

Sarge is getting on in years and has damn near every toy known to man, but his buddies really want to get him something to remember for his upcoming birthday..
After due consideration they decide on a top end call girl, yanno the 2000 bucks a night sort.
They chip in and set it up.
The day of his birthday comes around and Ole Sarge gets a knock on the door sometime after 7:00 pm.
There at the door is a Stunning young woman dressed to slay..
Sarge squints at her and snarls out "What you want woman..?"
She grins and pulls her tiny mini skirt up abit higher to show an incredibly shaped thigh, leans into him and purrs..."I am here to give you a night of Super Sex.." and vampishly walks into the doorway..
Sarge thinks on this a moment..
"Ok" he says, "I'm a bit tired for Sex.. But I skipped Lunch so I'll take the soup."

PS

**Sarge** · 02-07-2009, 03:48 PM

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks Eugenio_SS Sr. if someone will be sitting there. "No," says Eugenio_SS Sr. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for final game of the Stanley Cup playoffs and not use it?" Eugenio_SS Sr. says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967." "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" Eugenio_SS Sr. shakes his head "No, they're all at the funeral."

**0rion** · 02-07-2009, 03:49 PM

Sarge joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and Sarge immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Sir, did you call for me?" Sarge replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here, let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me." Smiling she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets Sarge have his way with her.

Sarge continued to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sat down he farted. Within a few minutes a huge, horrible, corpulent, hairy man lumbers out of the steam toward him. "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No, what do you mean?" says Sarge. "You must be new here," says the hairy man, "it is a rule here that if you fart it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with Sarge.

Sarge staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she says. Sarge yells, "Here is my membership card, you can have the key back, and you can keep the $500 membership fee." "But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours, you haven't even had the chance to see all our facilities." Sarge replies, "Listen lady, I'm 58 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day!"

**Sarge** · 02-07-2009, 03:53 PM

Eugenio_SS got him a job as coastal watch for the Canadian Government. His first day on the job........
Eugenio_SS:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS:
Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Eugenio_SS:
Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS:
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Eugenio_SS:
No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
AMERICANS:
This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln. The second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course15 degrees north...
I say again...That's one-five degrees north.... or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship!
Eugenio_SS:
I am in a lighthouse. Your call

**Boomer Sooner** · 02-07-2009, 04:02 PM

**Sarge** · 02-07-2009, 04:02 PM

Eugenio_SS is a terrorist expert for the Canadian Government. He has eradicated terrorist from all Canadian soil utilizing his "plan"....today we have obtained a copy of the boy's plan......
The Eugenio_SS Counter Terrorism Plan
As we all know, the Taliban considers it a sin for a man to see a naked woman who is not his wife. So, this Sunday at 2:00 PM Eastern time all Canadian women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti- terrorist effort. All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Taliban, demonstrate that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all Canadian women.
And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.
The Canadian Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.
God Bless Canada!

**0rion** · 02-07-2009, 04:04 PM

Sarge went bear hunting once but was having no luck in finding his quarry. All at once, he felt a tap on his shoulder from behind. It was a huge grizzly bear.

Sarge was shocked when the bear spoke to him. "You are hunting me, I'll bet", said the bear. "You may choose your punishment. Either I will maul you to death or fuck you up the arse!"

Sarge didn't want to die, so he consented to give the bear the pleasure of his booty. The bear left satisfied and the hunter returned to his cabin.

The next day, Sarge decided to kill the bear for revenge. But, as luck would have it, the grizzly found him first. Once again, Sarge felt the tap on his shoulder and the bear made his request. Sarge dropped his pants, bent over, and took what the beast had to offer.

The third day, Sarge was really irate and decided he would torture and kill that bear! Once more, though, the bear was the better hunter. When Sarge felt the familiar tap on his shoulder, he expected to hear the grizzly's offer of a choice again, but this time the bear just said, "You're not really into this for the hunting anymore, are you?!

**Sarge** · 02-07-2009, 04:04 PM

An Englishman named FireBug wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said FireBug. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".
The operation went ahead but FireBug woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". FireBug replied, "No worries, mate!!"

**Boomer Sooner** · 02-07-2009, 04:07 PM

Originally Posted by 0rion

Sarge went bear hunting once but was having no luck in finding his quarry. All at once, he felt a tap on his shoulder from behind. It was a huge grizzly bear.

Sarge was shocked when the bear spoke to him. "You are hunting me, I'll bet", said the bear. "You may choose your punishment. Either I will maul you to death or fuck you up the arse!"

Sarge didn't want to die, so he consented to give the bear the pleasure of his booty. The bear left satisfied and the hunter returned to his cabin.

The next day, Sarge decided to kill the bear for revenge. But, as luck would have it, the grizzly found him first. Once again, Sarge felt the tap on his shoulder and the bear made his request. Sarge dropped his pants, bent over, and took what the beast had to offer.

The third day, Sarge was really irate and decided he would torture and kill that bear! Once more, though, the bear was the better hunter. When Sarge felt the familiar tap on his shoulder, he expected to hear the grizzly's offer of a choice again, but this time the bear just said, "You're not really into this for the hunting anymore, are you?!

**Nhra Firebird** · 02-07-2009, 04:08 PM

It really makes me sad how people can make fun of other members on here.

**Sarge** · 02-07-2009, 04:10 PM

Sarge goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer named FireBug and gets talking. FireBug shows off his big wheat field and Sarge says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and FireBug shows off his herd of cattle. Sarge immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when Sarge sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?
FireBug replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

**0rion** · 02-07-2009, 04:12 PM

Sarge goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. Sarge opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof. He goes home to Mamma, show's her the check, and explains to her what has happened. She replies, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!"

**Sarge** · 02-07-2009, 04:12 PM

Originally Posted by Nhra Firebird

It really makes me sad how people can make fun of other members on here.

Nhra Firebird and Burns were sitting on a park bench holding hands and Nhra Firebird was reading a travel brochure, Nhra Firebird sez - lets try GREECE this year, Burns replies- why,whats wrong with VASELINE

**0rion** · 02-07-2009, 04:16 PM

Sarge, wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phoney beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?" "Yeah," Sarge answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life." "But you look like Abe Lincoln," protested the barkeep. "That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."