some jokes....

[024mula]

Baseball Quiz

You have to answer a question at the end of this, so pay attention!

Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first baseball game at the ballpark. They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniel's into the ball park.
The game is very exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely while mixing the Jack Daniel's with soft drinks.
Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and there are still several innings to go.
Now then, based on the given information, what inning is it and how many players are on base?
You need to use your deductive reasoning on this a la Sherlock Holmes.




Think!










Think some more ...








Answer: It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded.

[KahanaReef]

Not if they only smuggled in a half pint

[az gt eater]

So, this penguin is driving through arizona, and he is having car problems. He stops at the next town, and finds a mechanic. Mechanic says he can look at it right away. Penguin asks the mechanic if he can point out the nearest ice cream parlor while the penguin waits. Mechanic points it out to him, and the penguin walks over there and has a sundae. Being as he has no hands, he makes a mess of himself, and has ice cream all over his face when he leaves. Penguin walks back over to the garage, and sees the mechanic. Asks the mechanic if he found the problem. Mechanic looks at him and says,"Looks like you blew a seal."

[024mula]

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in P... E... N... I... S...
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
**PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH**

[GTP231]

Why does the doctor slap a baby on the ass at birth?
To knock the dicks off the stupid ones

[024mula]

Homer, a handsome dude, walks into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sits down next to a blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on.
The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looks at Homer and says, " Do you think he will jump?"
Homer says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Homer placed $20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 dollars to Homer and said, "All is fair. Here is your money."
Homer replies, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again.".

[024mula]

Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex

10. A below par performance is considered good.

9. You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.

8. It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

7. Foursomes are encouraged.

6. You can still make money doing it as a senior.

5. Three times a day is possible.

4. Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.

3. If you live in Florida, you can do it every day.

2. You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.

And best of all...........

1. If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it.

[0rion]

need a NWS tag on this one for language.

When I was younger I used to sneak my dad's 8 track around and listen to this guy.........

[0verkill]

to help get some jokes up im going to repost so from playboy

one evening a man arrived homein a state of great excitement
"honey," he said to his wife, "you'er never going to believe this, but I've discovered an entirily new position for lovemaking!"
really? his wife replied what is it?
back to back, her husband said
sweetis, that doesn't make any sense his wife said we cant do anything if were back to back
yes we can her husbacd replied because ive persuaded another coulpe to hlep us out



what is it called when a woman lets you screw anything you heart desires? ho holes barred




what do a penis and a rubik's cube have in common? the longer you play with them the harder they get



a man sraped together enough money to take his dream girl on a dinner date, and when they got to the restaurant she proceeded to order the most expensive things on the menu- caviar, lobster and champagne.
wow the man said does your mother feed you like that at home?
no the woman replied but my mother isnt expecting a blow job tonight

[024mula]

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful young woman.
Puzzled, the woman kept looking at him and his bulging pants pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, the man looked at her and said, "It's golf balls".
The woman nodded, but continued to glance at the front of his trousers. Finally, no longer able to contain her curiosity, she asked him, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

[024mula]

An old man and a young boy were traveling through their village with their donkey. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.
As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.
The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk!
Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying "how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey".
The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye!

[az gt eater]

need a NWS tag on this one for language.

When I was younger I used to sneak my dad's 8 track around and listen to this guy.........

I laughed. Thats good

[Lunatikgixxer]

Why does the doctor slap a baby on the ass at birth?
To knock the dicks off the stupid ones

this one had me LOLing for about 3 minutes straight hahah

[Nowhereman]

A motorist runs a red light and is photographed by an automated police camera. In the mail a short time later, he receives a photo of his car committing the infraction and a citation for $60. Instead of paying the fine, the motorist mails the police department a photograph of three 20-dollar bills. Several days later, he gets a letter back from the police department. Inside is a photograph of a pair of handcuffs.

[Nowhereman]

A not-too-bright but beautiful blonde was driving home one night when she was caught in a terrible storm. The hailstones were as big as golf balls, and her car was dented badly.Next day at the auto shop, a repairman decided to have a little fun at her expense. "To fix the dents in the body," he said, "drive home, park the car, and when the tailpipe is cool, get down on your knees and blow really hard into the tailpipe, and the dents will pop out.Later, a girlfriend of the blonde is driving by and sees her friend on her knees, blowing hard into the tailpipe. She asks what's going on and is told the story. The girlfriend laughs. "Well, duhhh! You need to roll up the windows first, silly!"

[WS6SP33D]

How do you know if your at a gay bbq?

The hotdogs taste like shit.

[Nowhereman]

How do you know if your at a gay bbq?

The hotdogs taste like shit.

LOL

[024mula]

A couple went on safari in Africa, and her mother insisted on going along, too.
During their first night in camp, the wife awakened and decided to check on her mother. To her dismay, her mother's tent was empty.
The wife rushed back to her tent, got her husband, and they started searching for the missing woman.
When they found her, she was backed up against a huge boulder with a lion snarling right in front of her.
"Quick!" pleaded the wife to her husband. "Do something!"
"No way!" said her husband. "That lion got himself into this mess -- he can get himself out it!"

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Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife -- she hasn't spoken to me in over two months."
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer. Then, thoughtfully says, "You better think it over -- women like that are hard to find."

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An old Indian was asked what his wife's name was.
"Wife named Three Horse", he replied.
"That's an unusual name for your wife -- Three Horse. What does it mean?"
"It's old Indian name. Means Nag-Nag-Nag!"

[024mula]

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread please," he says.
The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
Just as he thought, the man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.
As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing among the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you, too?"
"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."

[0rion]

ok....I'm not going to start a thread about this because I don't want to hear the "repost" bullshit. This is old but I just saw it for the first time tonight.....about shit myself laughing. If you haven't seen it then enjoy......