Tales of Orion

**Sarge** · 02-08-2009, 04:49 AM

Well Mama read this entire thread....I could hear her laughing all the way in the living room.......she walks back in and sits down......looks at me and sez..."them kids sure know you".....

**Sarge** · 02-08-2009, 04:49 AM

By the way....what is Orion's maiden name anyway?

**ARM5280** · 02-08-2009, 07:29 AM

Sarge and Orion decide to take a camping trip. They pack up gear and leave on Friday. Friday evening they arrive at the camp site, set up camp and cook some grub. Sitting there Sarge offers up the idea that they should each go a different direction to see what the coolest thing to do way out here is. That way we can do the best thing Sunday before we leave. Orion agreed, and they went to their tents to get some rest. The following morning after breakfast Sarge took off to the East and Orion took off to the West. As it is getting dark they both arrive back at the camp site. They cook up some dinner and begin discussing the days events.
Orion: "So what did you do today?"
Sarge: "Well I found a cool little waterfall swam for awhile fished for awhile it was pretty chill!, So what did you do?'
Orion: "I found a train track and walked along it for awhile, then I found a woman TIED to the track, I untied her and we fucked all day long!"
Sarge: WOW did you get any head?
Orion: Nope couldn't find her Head!

**KahanaReef** · 02-08-2009, 09:35 AM

Originally Posted by Sarge

Well Mama read this entire thread....I could hear her laughing all the way in the living room.......she walks back in and sits down......looks at me and sez..."them kids sure know you".....

Glad Mama got a giggle out of it

**Boomer Sooner** · 02-08-2009, 09:42 AM

**suede** · 02-08-2009, 04:26 PM

One day Sarger complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Sarge figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy lifting, and ease up on the masturbating. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, Sarge began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

Sarge went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

**Sarge** · 02-08-2009, 05:02 PM

How did you know my dog had worms?
WTF???
Internet magic...

**suede** · 02-08-2009, 05:05 PM

the machine told me...

**Y2KPewterSS** · 02-08-2009, 06:20 PM

This thread sucks without me

**KahanaReef** · 02-08-2009, 07:18 PM

One day, Preston was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed Sarge at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.

Preston went below another 20 feet, but Sarge joined him a few minutes later. Preston went below 25 feet, but minutes later, Sarge again joined him. This confused Preston, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard set, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"

Sarge took the board and chalk, erased what Preston had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

**cammed goat** · 02-08-2009, 07:32 PM

Originally Posted by KahanaReef

One day, Preston was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed Sarge at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.

Preston went below another 20 feet, but Sarge joined him a few minutes later. Preston went below 25 feet, but minutes later, Sarge again joined him. This confused Preston, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard set, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"

Sarge took the board and chalk, erased what Preston had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

**FORD RECOVERY EXPERT** · 02-08-2009, 07:44 PM

Originally Posted by KahanaReef

One day, Preston was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed Sarge at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.

Preston went below another 20 feet, but Sarge joined him a few minutes later. Preston went below 25 feet, but minutes later, Sarge again joined him. This confused Preston, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard set, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"

Sarge took the board and chalk, erased what Preston had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

**c5z28** · 02-08-2009, 07:48 PM

awesome

**FORD RECOVERY EXPERT** · 02-08-2009, 07:48 PM

Sarge was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. Mamma was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 130 in 1.5 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning Sarge got up early and left for work. When Mamma woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, Mamma put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Sarge has been missing since Friday.

**cammed goat** · 02-08-2009, 07:51 PM

Originally Posted by FORD RECOVERY EXPERT

Sarge was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. Mamma was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 130 in 1.5 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning Sarge got up early and left for work. When Mamma woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, Mamma put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Sarge has been missing since Friday.

**FORD RECOVERY EXPERT** · 02-08-2009, 07:55 PM

A few days after Christmas, KahanaReef was working in the kitchen listening to NHRA Firebird playing with his new electric train in the living room. KahanaReef heard the train stop and Derek said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

KahanaReef went nuts and told Derek, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, Derek comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and KahanaReef heard Derek say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." she hears Derek continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As KahanaReef began to smile, Derek added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

**KahanaReef** · 02-08-2009, 07:59 PM

Originally Posted by FORD RECOVERY EXPERT

A few days after Christmas, KahanaReef was working in the kitchen listening to NHRA Firebird playing with his new electric train in the living room. KahanaReef heard the train stop and Derek said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

KahanaReef went nuts and told Derek, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, Derek comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and KahanaReef heard Derek say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." she hears Derek continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As KahanaReef began to smile, Derek added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

Haha! I almost used that one too

**FORD RECOVERY EXPERT** · 02-08-2009, 07:59 PM

GTP231 tells NHRA Firebird: "You know, I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your butthole 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the Derek is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, Carpy giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, Derek reaches for his cigarettes but
Carpy, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

Derek rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

Carpy nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, Derek YELLS at him, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

**FORD RECOVERY EXPERT** · 02-08-2009, 08:04 PM

SleeperC5 escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds KahanaReef and NHRAFirebird in bed.

He orders the Derek out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying KahanaReef to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, Derek tells KahanaReef:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong..."

To which KahanaReef responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong!!"