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01-08-2009, 01:36 PM #1
- Join Date
- Feb 2006
- Location
- Seattle..Land of Constant Rain..
- Posts
- 1,425
Red Fire- 2007 Mustang GT/CS
Read this in my wife's email.. Freaking hilarious
I know its about a chick thing, but I found it funny as hell.
I don't know if it's real, but it's supposed to be some chick attempting this..If you mentally picture what's going on... Should make ya at least smile..
Made happy I don't have to to this crap... I won't ever bitch about shaving again.
(Long Read) If you have the attention span of a 18 year old on Red Bull. Don't bother attempting..
WAX is Not your Friend
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of
easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and
now...
the wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,
play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully
in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit
out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the
bathroom.
It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax,
you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you
peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you
pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I
mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this
out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each
other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius
kicksin so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold
wax," yeah...right!)
I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and
pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too
bad.
I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah,
fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I
sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my
bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching
down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I
inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision
returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the
strip.
CRAP!!!
Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I
think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing
drums???
Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has
caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to
revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the
strip!
There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see
the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am
touching wax.
CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body,
which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the
next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I
know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DANG!!!!!!!! I
hear the slamming of a cell door. "hoo-hoo*? Sealed shut!
Butt?? Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to
figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get
the urge to poop.
My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!!
Hot water melts wax!!!
I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in,
immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently
wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued
together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom
of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold
wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had
cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a
phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some
secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter
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"So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for
removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to
know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or
who-ha?"
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the
rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax
off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie
goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water
and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and
I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling
for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I
really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my
friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It
works!!"
I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I
successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my
grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF
IT!!!!!!!!!!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.
I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......
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01-08-2009, 01:52 PM #2
oh.... my .... god
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01-08-2009, 01:55 PM #3
- Join Date
- Jan 2009
- Location
- North Jersey
- Posts
- 11,496
Phantom Black Metallic- 2004 GTO M6
Kaaaaayyyyy?
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01-08-2009, 01:57 PM #4
I am not reading that. Give us the short version
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01-08-2009, 02:06 PM #5
I haven't read this one in a long time
And, yeah... don't ever bitch about having to shave again!!!
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01-08-2009, 02:08 PM #6
- Join Date
- Aug 2005
- Location
- Texas Department of Corrections
- Posts
- 18,128
- Retired Outlaw Sum Bitch
My wife has been laughing for ten minutes.....
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01-08-2009, 02:18 PM #7
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01-08-2009, 02:20 PM #8
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01-08-2009, 02:21 PM #9
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01-08-2009, 02:28 PM #10
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01-08-2009, 06:15 PM #11
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01-08-2009, 06:31 PM #12
god bless you woman who shave.
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01-08-2009, 06:47 PM #13
- Join Date
- May 2007
- Location
- Davenport, Iowa
- Age
- 36
- Posts
- 1,977
Bright Red- 1999 Trans Am Ws6
I bet I could have wedged those cheeks and who-ha wide open, and put a little lotion on it as well!
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01-08-2009, 07:26 PM #14
- Join Date
- Mar 2007
- Location
- Ontario, Canada
- Posts
- 2,064
yellow- 02 Collector Trans Am
ouch!!
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01-09-2009, 12:42 AM #15
- Join Date
- Dec 2005
- Location
- Laurel, Maryland
- Posts
- 4,975
2000 Grand Prix GTP- 2000 Trans Am WS6 M6
I cry laughing every time I read it...definitely a repost, but a hysterical repost at that.
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01-09-2009, 01:07 AM #16
- Join Date
- Apr 2007
- Location
- Edwardsville, IL (So. IL Univ. of Edwardsville)
- Age
- 34
- Posts
- 1,250
Mystic Teal- 1999 Camaro Z28 - A4
i love stories like that... there are deff some good ones out there
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01-09-2009, 03:10 AM #17
Wow. Yup, that pretty much sums it up.
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01-09-2009, 05:04 AM #18
Funny as hell.
Is she married to the guy who used a stun gun on himself?
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01-09-2009, 09:32 AM #19
- Join Date
- Aug 2005
- Location
- Norman, Oklahoma
- Age
- 36
- Posts
- 1,759
White/Black- 1999 Z28
I love it!!!!!
Waxing is the devil. Definitely.
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