My flat tire

I had a flat tire on the interstate, so I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life like you wouldn't believe it! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers. To my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my life like men which made it safer for me to work at the side of the road. And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me. He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
'What's going on here?'
'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly.
'Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?'
I couldn't believe that he didn't know......So I told him, 'Helloooooo..........those are my Emergency Flashers.'

I have no words cept...









Told you you needed new tires :lol:

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's when the fight started.

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said,

'Do you want to have $ex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started...

Old :coffee:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by c5z28

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's when the fight started.

---

Your full of these huh
Well this ones not so bad

Quote:

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Originally Posted by tatertot91

I have no words cept...









Told you you needed new tires :lol:

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haah ohdang

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by c5z28

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's when the fight started.

---

:lmao: :bravo:

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level.
You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

"She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican�.
"I am," replied the man.
"How did you know?"
"Well," answered the Balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct.
But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost.

Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama Democrat!"

"I am," replied the balloonist.
"How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going.
You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem.
You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow,

now it's my fault.

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how
many of them were Obama fans.
Not really knowing what an Obama fan is,
but wanting to be liked by the
teacher, all the kids raised their hands
except for Johnny in the front row.
The teacher asked Johnny why he has
decided to be different.
Because I'm not an Obama fan.'
The teacher asked,
'Why aren't you an Obama fan?'
Because I'm a Republican.'
The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.
Johnny proudly answered, 'Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican,
so I'm a Republican.'
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked,
'If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'
With a big smile, Johnny replied, 'That would make me an Obama fan.'

I haven't seen that one in a while :)

haha but thats kinda funny lol

:lol: at these, your getting better at these

Quote:

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Originally Posted by KahanaReef

I haven't seen that one in a while :)

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I haven't "seen" it either :screwy:
Nice to "see" you again

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

A woman went to a discount store to purchase several items. When she finally got to the checker, she learned one of her items had no price. She thought she'd die of embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on lane thirteen. Tampax. Supersize."

As if that wasn't bad enough, the person looking for the price misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks." In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"

nasty

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

Quote:

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Originally Posted by toityme

haha but thats kinda funny lol

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haha your name isn't changed yet?

:sarge: :lmao:

nice

lmfao

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning.

As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (No pun intended)

He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along.

She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.

She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him." he says.... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips.

Then the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, flings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.

"Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

You finally posted a good one! lol

:no:

Hahahahaha

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said - "Well yeah, if that's what they are, I never heard of circle flies".

So the farmer says- "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, " Hey---wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass." The Trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ztrouble

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

---

oh snap!

haha good one

:lmao: your getting better at this

Quote:

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Originally Posted by tatertot91

haha your name isn't changed yet?

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I don't think most mods are up at this time of night. or morning for you.

A man and his wife were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. The wife says to her husband, "For our anniversary this year, you can ask me one question, any question you want to. I will answer it truthfully."

The husband replies, "Okay, this has been bothering me for a long time, but I haven't had the courage to ask before...but I have noticed that all of our eight children look similar to one another except one. I can't figure out how he got to look so different. Did he have a different father than the rest?"

The wife stops. She is unable to look her husband in the eyes. Slowly she replies, "yes. Yes he did have a different father." Her husband was taken aback. "Oh! Okay...I must know. Please tell me. Who was that child's father?" Again she cannot look her husband in the eyes. She is very distressed, and after a long silence she slowly said, "YOU."

Quote:

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Originally Posted by c5z28

I don't think most mods are up at this time of night. or morning for you.

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Yup, reminds me :nite:

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed. Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch. Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead."

Ouch

A guy walks into a doctors office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and 2 black eyes. "What happened to you?" asked the doctor. "Well it all started when my wife and I were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a cow field. When we went to investigate, I saw the ball in a cow's ass. I went and lifted the tail of the cow and that's when I made my mistake." The doctor looked puzzled and asked, "What mistake was that?"
"I said 'Hey this looks like yours hun!'"

ehhh...was looking for a better punch line, not bad tho

Quote:

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Originally Posted by basballny2

ehhh...was looking for a better punch line, not bad tho

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do better.

i don't get it....