giving him the boot

So a friend of was traveling for work and didn't have an apartment or a real place to stay so he was having to rent hotel rooms when he was in town. I have an extra room and since he was only in town for a couple of weekends a month, I told him he could just stay with me. (FREE by the way)

Well, shortly after that, his job ended and he wasn't traveling any more. This was 3 months ago. I've been pretty okay with him being there. He's getting established again. He's gotten another job. He was supposed to move out at the end of the month. All the while he's had a bit of a drinking problem. Part of living with me for free means you don't drink unless we're out drinking SOCIALLY. That means you don't drink at the house, you don't go somewhere else and get drunk and come home, you don't grab a beer on the way home and drink it on the way. It means, pretty simply, if you want free rent from me, you don't drink. I didn't set that up with him when he first moved in because I didn't think his drinking was as much of a deal as it is and I don't mind someone drinking a beer here and there after work. After I realized it was an every day need that he has, I told him no more drinking. After that, he started trying to cheat the system, like drinking on the patio and then coming in... so I got very clear about what the rule is. After that, I came home in my wifes car one day (mine makes enough noise you can hear me coming). I opened the door and it was like catching a school boy with porn. He tried to hide it and it was pathetic. I asked him who he was kidding? "What, I'm not doing anything wrong, I'm old enough to make my own choices..." "I had a good day at work, I needed a beer." (He also needs one after a bad day at work). blah blah blah. Anyway, I said that it's not his choice to make while he's staying for free with me (and I'm not taking money to have a room mate).

he said okay and he wouldn't drink any more and he was leaving in a month anyway, so that's that.

I went to WY to spend some time with the in-laws. We came back early in the morning and there was a crapload of alcohol. The house stunk of it. There were 3 of the small jeager bottles (empty), a 5th of vodka (empty), 3 24 ounce beers (2 of them empty - 3rd was just too much I guess).

Well, I was tired and it was too early in the morning for me to want to bother with waking him up to get him out. The wife wanted him out then and there, but I didn't feel like it, plus I expect (to be disappointed) him to clean his room/bathroom the way that it was when he started living there which would take a day. I'm a pretty nice guy so for me to kick someone out with no warning at all is not something I'd do. I gave him till wednesday (this was Monday morning). I left him a note telling him to get out and to leave gas money (I let him drive my car) and to clean up his room/bathroom and to get help.

He left me the nastiest note that I'm an unrealistic punk and a judgemental asshole. He also said I was more interested in making money than spending time with my wife. (I work a full time job with overtime a couple of times a month). I checked with my wife just to make sure that she wasn't at all feeling that way or that she didn't say anything to him that could be taken that way and she said no. She was pissed about the whole thing.

I'm looking forward to having the place back to ourselves. Woo hoo! :nana:

Cliff notes: helped out a long time friend, found out his drinking is a problem, gave him the choice of free rent with not drinking or move your ass out if you wanna drink. He drank, he's out.

edit... and oh yeah, I'm the jerk for it.

I need a drink :devil:

Yeah man F THAT. He'll kill himself when he cant afford rent and his boose intake anymore.

Well, it sounds like you gave him only one choice. Free rent with no drinking. If he had paid rent, would that justify his right to drink?

I drink every day and I enjoy my beer whether or not I've had a crappy day or good day. I don't have crappy days at work so, everyday is a good day at work for me.

I had consented to let my ex wife move in with me and my last ex......lol. Anyways, long story short, my first ex didn't go look for a job or anything. she hung out in the basement and smoked pot all day long. I didn't smell it so, I suspect it was outside.

I kicked her out because she didn't have a job and didn't pay rent. Wasn't about her pot habit.

I could care less about what a free loader does with their lives. But, if I'm providing a free place to live, then that person should go out and get a job to provide for themselves until they get their own place.

Free rent should only be temporary but, if that person has a nail biting habit or beating off 3 times a day, who cares?

If the drinking bothered you in the house, you should have provided some sort of way out for him. Drinking in the garage or on the deck would have seemed acceptable.

Forbidding him to stop off at a bar and have one or two on the way home is a bit excessive in trying to control his life by hanging the free rent thing over his head.

My thoughts.

You didn't deal with him when he's been drinking. You didn't have your dog running off to hide in the bedroom because he was scared.

You didn't have to deal with trying to keep the piece by acting interested in the babblings of a drunk.

As for free rent or paying to justify it. He was able to stay so he could start over with some other things. It wasn't permanent and it wasn't a room mate situation.

It sounds as though the habits of other people weren't something you really had to deal with.

Now that you mention it... he also bites his nails.

If he didnt abide by your rules/wishes, and wasnt enough of a friend to do so, then he does need to go. I moved in with a good friend of mine one time. We learned pretty quickly that we couldnt live together. But were better friends for learning that now.

FYI....he wasn't really your friend.

You told him the rules. If he didn't like them he could have left. Simple as that. You gave him an inch (by being nice) he took the whole road, caused friction between you and your wife and scared the dog.

I draw the line at scarring the dog. :ughlaugh:

Save the note....he'll be back to ask for forgiveness and ask for a favour......:flex:

Be nice to you wife...take her out to diner and have the house professionally cleaned.:yup:

Oh yea....don't answer the phone at 2:00am....it might be him asking for bail money from jail.

i can completely understand you, and i think you dealt with the situation in a very reasonable fashion. i have a friend with addiction issues too, so i think i know what you found yourself confronted with.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by The Project

FYI....he wasn't really your friend.

You told him the rules. If he didn't like them he could have left. Simple as that. You gave him an inch (by being nice) he took the whole road, caused friction between you and your wife and scared the dog.

I draw the line at scarring the dog. :ughlaugh:

Save the note....he'll be back to ask for forgiveness and ask for a favour......:flex:

Be nice to you wife...take her out to diner and have the house professionally cleaned.:yup:

Oh yea....don't answer the phone at 2:00am....it might be him asking for bail money from jail.

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:yup: nothing to add

yeah, +1 on scaring the dog:lol:

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Originally Posted by DrMilhouse

You didn't deal with him when he's been drinking. You didn't have your dog running off to hide in the bedroom because he was scared.

You didn't have to deal with trying to keep the piece by acting interested in the babblings of a drunk.

As for free rent or paying to justify it. He was able to stay so he could start over with some other things. It wasn't permanent and it wasn't a room mate situation.

It sounds as though the habits of other people weren't something you really had to deal with.

Now that you mention it... he also bites his nails.

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LOL at the nail biting. Yeah, you left out the part about scaring the dog and/or behaving inappropriately. If it was just drinking, that's one thing. When it comes to being beligerant(sp) etc, then that's quite another.

I understand now that it wasn't the drinking, it was how he acted when he drank correct? I'll assume that this was the case and therefore, you acted correctly.

Being able to drink socially is a struggle for some people.

why are you kicking me out, this is the first i heard of it

your house.....your rules. He's always had the option of leaving. I personally wouldn't have a problem with him drinking if he's an adult. What I would have a problem with is listening to my wife bitch about him if she didn't like him. That alone is enough for me to send someone packing. I can deal with a lot but my wife bitches at a certain octave that I can't handle. :D

:gtfo:

sounds like he is the type that just needed a push start in getting back on track
hopefully you gave tht to him

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Originally Posted by BIG GUNS

LOL at the nail biting. Yeah, you left out the part about scaring the dog and/or behaving inappropriately. If it was just drinking, that's one thing. When it comes to being beligerant(sp) etc, then that's quite another.

I understand now that it wasn't the drinking, it was how he acted when he drank correct? I'll assume that this was the case and therefore, you acted correctly.

Being able to drink socially is a struggle for some people.

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I agreed with both posts you made. My first impression was that living with Mom and Dad would have been easier for him.

Obviously Dr. Millhouse left out some important information.

Change your locks!

If I interpret this correctly, one of the points Millhouse is making is that if he is gonna let his buddy stay rent free, no drinking because its a slap in the face that he'd be partying it up and has money for booze but can't throw him a few bucks. The guy was staying there because he needed to get back on his feet and was having a rough time. Beer is a luxury. But then he found that the guy was getting wasted. I guess a lot of people forget what its like to talk to a drunk when you are sober and its the middle of the day.


However, if you are gonna take an ADULT in for free, expect them to think nothing of making adult choices.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by 310stanger

If I interpret this correctly, one of the points Millhouse is making is that if he is gonna let his buddy stay rent free, no drinking because its a slap in the face that he'd be partying it up and has money for booze but can't throw him a few bucks. The guy was staying there because he needed to get back on his feet and was having a rough time. Beer is a luxury. But then he found that the guy was getting wasted. I guess a lot of people forget what its like to talk to a drunk when you are sober and its the middle of the day.


However, if you are gonna take an ADULT in for free, expect them to think nothing of making adult choices.

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Yeah, I get that now. I agree that he made the right decision. I'm sure that no one else would dispute that now.

It does suck to try to reason with a drunk. My ex wife was the same way when she went out drinking and didn't come home til the next day. That is prob the biggest reason why she is my ex. She made bad choices when drinking but, then again, she made bad choices while sober too. Mental capacity to understand what is being told is a prerequisite.

I think that maybe this guy obviously didn't understand what was being told to him or it was not spelled out clear enough.

I had to confront my brother while sober how uncomfortable he made people in the house when we all got together for holidays. Thanksgiving was a prime example.

When I got back to STL from Minnesota from Thanksgiving, my other brother told me that my alchy brother was real good on christmas. We will see what next Thanksgiving does for him but, my other brother and I agreed that there would be no alcohol on next Thanksgiving unlesss it was beer. Hard alcohol turns him into a loving yet, physically abusive ass. Bear hugs and 'I love you' punches.

Can't deal with that shit so, we will see what just beer does to him as a psychology and/or human behavior exercise during Thanksgiving..........lol.

btw, my alchy brother didn't have anything to drink on Christmas. My oldest brother told me that the alchy brother was agitated all day long.

I wonder what happened when he eventually got home that evening.

LOL about the easier living with parents bit. I did take that into consideration that maybe I was acting like a parent or something. The guy is 34 and his mom actually won't let him live with her any more... possibly because of the alcohol?

At the bare minimum it is a slap in the face. I did expect him to be an adult. It's not like I was sneaking up on the guy or setting a trap for him.

I haven't seen him since the note exchange. He's gotten a majority of his stuff out, which is only about a suit case worth of stuff. I'll give him until friday for the rest before it goes to the garbage.

Thanks for the support. I know it's important to be there for friends, but this came down to looking out for myself and my family and having a home that I feel comfortable living in.

family comes first in ALL situations. Don't feel to bad about it....it's your damn house. If you can't make the rules in your own house (with your wifes approval of course) then where in the hell can you make the rules at? :D These situations always remind me of a saying my father in law uses a lot " No good deed goes unpunished."

Quote:

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Originally Posted by DrMilhouse

LOL about the easier living with parents bit. I did take that into consideration that maybe I was acting like a parent or something. The guy is 34 and his mom actually won't let him live with her any more... possibly because of the alcohol?

At the bare minimum it is a slap in the face. I did expect him to be an adult. It's not like I was sneaking up on the guy or setting a trap for him.

I haven't seen him since the note exchange. He's gotten a majority of his stuff out, which is only about a suit case worth of stuff. I'll give him until friday for the rest before it goes to the garbage.

Thanks for the support. I know it's important to be there for friends, but this came down to looking out for myself and my family and having a home that I feel comfortable living in.

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Bottom line is you did what you felt was right. If I were you though, he would have never made it past my front door in the first place. You are a good guy Dr. M/H