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Nhrafirebird was walking down the street when he noticed Sarge sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Sarge, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. Sarge looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Sarge, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. Sarge slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was Mamma's idea!"
One evening his family brings Sarge to a nursing home and leaves him, hoping he will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe him, feed him a tasty breakfast, and set him in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. Sarge seems OK, but after a while he slowly starts to fall over sideways in his chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch him and straighten him up. Again he seems OK, but after a while he starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring him back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how Sarge is adjusting to his new home. "So Sarge, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" They ask. "It's pretty nice," he replies. "Except they won't let you fart"
Sarge went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?" Sarge answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces." The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good." Sarge said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
Sarge had just moved out to the country and decided that he needed some animals, so he decided to walkup and down his road to see what his neighbors had.
The first farm he came across had a bunch of chickens running in the yard. “Say farmer” Sarge yells, “Would you be willing to sell me one of your chickens?” The farmer replies, “Sure, but around here we don’t call ‘em chickens, we call ‘em pullets”.
Sarge thanks the farmer for the advice and picks up the pullet and continues on down the road until he comes to the next farm where the yard is full of roosters. “Say farmer”, yells Sarge, “Would you be willing to sell me one of your roosters?” “Sure”, says the farmer, “but around here we don’t call ‘em roosters, we call ‘em cocks”.
Sarge thanks the farmer and puts the cock under his other arm and continues walking down the road. He soon spots a farm with a herd of donkeys. “I could use one of those”, he says . “Hey farmer”, he yells “Would you be willing to sell me one of your donkeys?” “Sure”, says the farmer “but around here we call them asses”.
Sarge takes the ass and starts leading him away when the farmer yells, “Hey that ass is a little persnickety. If he decides to sit down all you have to do to get him up again is scratch him behind his left ear.”
Thanking the farmer yet again Sarge decides to head for home with his animals. On the way the ass decided to sit down. Sarge was in a bit of trouble, he had his pullet under one arm and his cock under the other. If he put one down it would surely wander off.
Now it just so happened that a nun was just walking over the hill. Sarge quickly ran up to her. “Excuse me miss,” he said. “Would you hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass?”
Sarge went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results. Dr. Smith said, "Sarge everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at peace with your self and have a good relationship with God?" Sarge replied, "God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get up in the middle of the night, poof!...the light goes on and I go to the bathroom and then poof! the light goes off!" "Wow," commented Dr. Smith, 'That's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Smith called Sarge's wife. "Mamma," he said, "Sarge is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom and then poof! The light goes off?" Mamma replied, "Oh God! He's peeing in the fridge again!"
Sarge goes to the doctor for a regular check up...
as he waits in his room a very hot beautiful young nurse walks in and begins examining him and she suddenly stops and says "Sarge... i'm afraid you're going to have to stop masterbating..." Alarmed Sarge asks 'why'... the nurse looks at Sarge and says "Because I'm trying to examine you right now..."
Sarge is in a hospital with a oxegen mask on his face... in walks a beautiful young nurse... as she walks by Sarge says in a very muffled voice from the mask "are my testicals black?*" the nurse blush and she says "I don't know... I guess i can check" so she gets down on her knees and lifts Sarges hospital atire and grabs his balls gently and inspects them... she gets back and says "No... they look just fine to me..."
Sarge pulls off the oxegen mask and says "Thanks... but i wanted to know if my 'test results were back'..."
Now this thread, is EPIC... :lol:
Orion and NHRAFirebird are going out for the evening. The last thing they do is put their cat out.
The taxi arrives, and as they walk out of the house, the cat scoots back in.
NHRAFirebird returns inside to chase it out. Orion, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explains to the taxi driver, 'He is just going upstairs to say goodbye to Sarge.'
Several minutes later, an exhausted NHRAFirebird arrives and climbs back into the taxi saying, 'Sorry I took so long, the stupid idiot was hiding under the bed and I had to poke him with a coat hanger several times before I could get him to come out!'
Sarge and NHRAFirebird go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Sarge wakes his faithful friend.
'Derek, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.'
Derek replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
Sarge asks him: 'What does that tell you?'
Derek ponders for a minute.' Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?
Sarge is silent for a moment, then says blankly: 'Derek, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.'
Sarge was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang.
Answering, he heard Mamma's voice urgently warning him,
"Sarge, I just heard on the news that there's some delusional old man in a car going the wrong way on highway. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Sarge, "it's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
Sarge went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy. "When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your asshole. Then remove it, re-wrap it, and place it back with all the others in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious: you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar." "Thanks doc said Sarge, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later Sarge came back to see the doctor again. "What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases!" "Well, said Sarge… it kind of worked, doc "What in the hell is that supposed to mean?" "Well, said Sarge, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass..."
can we switch Sarge with KahanaReef? I would sooner camp with her.Quote:
Originally Posted by FORD RECOVERY EXPERT
:haha:
I like camping :naughty:Quote:
Originally Posted by Nhra Firebird
Sarge was walking into town one day wearing nothing but his gun and his boots. Just as he began walking down Main Street he was confronted by the Sheriff. ''Hey, Sarge, ya mind if I ask you what you are doin' walkin' down Main Street wearin' nothin' but your gunbelt and boots?''
''Well Sheriff,it's a long story.''
''I ain't going nowhere,'' said the Sheriff.
''Well Sheriff, a couple hours ago I ran into Mama in the saloon. We had ourselves a couple of drinks and then we started to feelin' kinda frisky and Mama said, 'Why don't we go out to the barn?' So we did. Then we started getting real close and cuddin' and smoochin' and Mama said, 'Why don't we go out back and go up to the top of the hill.' So we did. He continued, ''We started cuddlin' and smoochin' some more and the next thing I know, Mama had taken off all her clothes and she suggested that I do the same. So I did, all except my gunbelt and boots. Then Mama laid down on the ground and and said 'Okay, Sarge, go to town!' And, here I am Sheriff!''
I will bring the whip cream to make smoresQuote:
Originally Posted by KahanaReef
Damn. Before I left to go out tonight there was only ONE PAGE. Now we're up to THREE. HOLY SHIT!!!
What??? No Marshmallows or Chocolate :dunno:Quote:
Originally Posted by Nhra Firebird
The whipped cream is supposed to be for after Smores silly :p
I guess we will have to skip the smores part.:pQuote:
Originally Posted by KahanaReef