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What do people do when they really need to work?

This is a discussion on What do people do when they really need to work? within the Almost Anything Goes forums, part of the Off - Topic / Discussion forums category; Date: 2008-12-02, 10:34PM CST What the fuck people! I need a motherfuckin job, and I have a resume that says ...

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    FASTER THNA SPEEDINtICKEt BANDITO's Avatar
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    What do people do when they really need to work?

    Date: 2008-12-02, 10:34PM CST

    What the fuck people! I need a motherfuckin job, and I have a resume that says I am fucking fit to be your goddamn front desk/administrative assistant. I have applied to a ton of jobs on here, and not one of them responded, WHAT THE FUCK?!

    Cover Letter? Here's my fucking cover letter!
    Now, I'm really low on money, and I'll suck a dick if I have to...that's right!
    Got a bear in your backyard that keeps eating your garbage? I'll fight that motherfucker and I'll win! Can any other prospective employee say that?! FUCK NO! What'd you say? You lost your keys? FUCK IT! I'll shoot the goddamn lock off your door with my laser eyes! That's how bad I need a motherfuckin job! Your brother is gay and you're not cool with that? I'll de-gay him with reverse buttsex. Don't believe me?! Then hire me and I'll fucking show you!

    OBJECTIVE
    I need a motherfuckin job.

    SHIT I HAVE DONE
    -I invented the moon.
    -Atlantis was around til 1988, but sunk when I shot out of my mom's vagina like a silver bullet into a wolverine.
    -I am also a wolverine.
    -Had sex with the Spice Girls.
    -The blowjob machine was originally my idea until that bastard Clint Eastwood stole it.
    -I have prophetic visions of the apocolypse.
    -Watched the movie "Juwanna Mann" at least 18 times. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0247444/
    -Created a new genre of dance in which people get so into it that radiation waves pulsate off of them, I like to call this the microrave.
    -I reverse engineered a door, I now know how it works.
    -When I was 8, a frisbee flew into my backyard and I blew it up with my mind.
    -My brother is the Eiffel Tower
    -Direct descendant of Beowulf
    -Can make weapons out of anything, very useful in a hostile work environment
    -Beat my pornography addiction when I was 19
    -Proficient in Microsoft Office and Photoshop

    RELEVANT WORK EXPERIENCE
    GlomGlom Corporation of Evil Doing
    POSITION: Front Desk/Administrative Assistant
    DUTIES: Setting up sex scandals in which to blackmail wealthy politicians, forwarding email, burning down the houses of the poor, loan sharking, answering phones, greeting clients in a manner that would frighten most people

    GreenHate Enterprises
    POSITION: Once Again, I was a fucking Front Desk/Administrative Assistant
    DUTIES: Organizing the dumping of bio-waste into the ocean, peeing in lakes, digging holes to fill with garbage, making garbage out of perfectly good and useful items, filling said wholes with said garbage, creating fake facts about Greenpeace and publishing them on the internet(I am internet savvy), good at filing...documents of hate.

    REFERENCES
    Glomgor Evil
    GlomGlom Corporation of Evil Doings
    gorlock@peanutbutternipples.com

    Sloblor the Muck Monster
    GreenHate Enterprises
    sloblor@greenhate.com


    So, now that you know the real me, are you gonna hire me or not? I would like to remind you that I can make weapons out of anything.

    Sincerely,

    Steve Madonna
    stevemadonnayeah@gmail.com


    remember.....anything.




    * Location: Chicago
    * it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

    http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/942873935.html

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    Quote Originally Posted by bigrondownhiller View Post
    Guy sounds like the most interesting man in the world.

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