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  1. #1
    Senior Member whitelightnin99's Avatar
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    think wife is cheating and or using drugs,need to vent

    So im 33 yrs old and my wife of 7 years is 25. We met, had my son and got married all within a year. My son was born 3 months early weighing 1lb 8 oz. and stayed in the hospital over 120 days. We made it through together and he is a beautiful 7 yr old blond hair blue eyed little boy. We have never been really lovy dovy but get along great normally. for the past year or so things have changed. We now have a 2 year old girl , wife has been a nurse for a few years, i work for home and sell lift kits for offroad trucks. I clean the house, cook every single meal, change the oil in the vehicles, cut the grass, pay all of the bills, etc. The only thing she has to really keep up with is laundry which i just will not do. I try to make things as easy as possible for her but still we are getting very distant. The kids sleep in our bed which is prob. my fault. I just like knowing they are safe and sound in case anything was to happen but i know thats one thing that doesnt help. I found a bottle of Adderol in one of the drawers a week or so ago but it did have her name on it. No idea how she did that but in her line of work maybe she has connections. There is always so much tension in this house its ridiculous. The other night my son wanted some more food and she had just sit down to eat. He asked her if he could have some more and she slams her plate down like its such a big deal to get him more food. Turned into a big argument to say the least, i of course took up for him. Lots of little small things turn into big arguments now. I dont have too much time right now to finish up but this is what takes the cake and id like your suggestions. I dont want to do anything to screwup my kids future in any way, shape, or form. Saturday morning she was sleeping (around 8am)so i got the kids and took them uptown to a local flea market where i heard they had a nice inflatable waterslide so i was going to see if i could get a good deal on it. They didnt have it so i drove 40 miles away to another place to see if they had anything fun i could get the kids. We got back around 1:30 and not ONCE did she call to even see where we were or what we were doing. Here is the worst part... I get a call yesterday from the credit card company asking about a possible fradulent charge on our credit card (which we rarely use) She said whoever it was attempted to get the max $300 from an ATM . I know it wasnt me and knew it wasnt her ( so i thought) so i called and asked if she had lost her card. She did have the card but said she didnt use it. I asked at least 3 or 4 times are you SURE it wasnt you?? She said she couldnt remember but no, not her. I told her it was even 2 days ago, how could you not remember, wtf?? i lied but told her card company had video of the attempted transaction but didnt want to bother them until i found out if it was her. After hanging up with her i immediately called the card company to get the hold taken off the account and she beeped in. All of a sudden now she says "oh yeah it was me, i had totally forgotten i used it but didnt know the pin #." I asked how much she tried to get out and she said around $100, card company said $300 and i believe them . What really pisses me off is this happened while i was out trying to find a nice outdoor toy for our kids and she is doing this shady shit. I know she has a "meeting" thursday and friday night at the beach and then Saturday night she asked if she could go go her friends bachelorette party. I told her go right ahead, get out the house if you want and have some fun. She kept $100 last week from overtime so thats $400 total that i just dont understand wtf she needs that much in CASH? I just dont know what to think anymore but for about the last year or so we have been nothing but roommates. I know this is not the best place to ask for advice but i need to get it out. Thanks for anyone that cares to read

  2. #2
    Senior Member TLS_Addict's Avatar
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    My friend. The bug seems to be going around. Just last night my girl and I had a huge fight that started over her sisters facebook and it just progressed, to the point that she is not here anymore. I am 30 and she is 22 so we have the same age gap and I can appreciate your place, really I can.

    I am no relationship expert but I can tell you a few things from my experiences. When little things are upsetting people as much as your child asking for more, there is a real problem that is deeper than just a little bit of stress.

    If she is a nurse she has many ways as getting medication. If you feel she is taking medication not presribed to her it is your place as her husband to jump in and say something. You have to think how her medication usage could have an effect on your children which is not what you can afford to happen.

    My friend, in my experiences I try to meet things head on where as women try to dodge things most likely. I am sure you can agree. Also, the age difference often times is an issue. I found at the beginning I was trying to make her more mature and that as time progressed I stepped back in time to a retarded 21 year old at times. She was just 20 when we got together and I was 27. One thing that has scared me and I am sure it has crossed your mind is that she is upset because perhaps she missed out on some of the experiences you get from being 18-22. My girl told me she wasnt and I think she is honest but I see it happen in other relationships where that is the case.


    I feel for you. If you need someone to talk to dont hesitate to throw me a PM.

  3. #3
    Veteran 0rion's Avatar
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    sounds like a fucking nightmare really......also sounds like you already know what's going on so there's nothing anyone here can tell you that you don't already know. My advice would be to decide now if it's worth trying to save and going from there. There's some trust issues and those are hard as hell to get back. Even if she confessed everything to you it's gonna be hard for you to get that trust back. With kids involved it makes it more complicated but there are 2 schools of thought there. One is that people stay together for the kids sake to protect them. The other is that the kids may be better off if you guys split up and both are happy instead of trapping the kids in a bad relationship and letting them see that. They have a tendancy to pick up on things and know when there's tension and things aren't going well.......they also think it's their fault.
    Sit your wife down and have a talk with her. That's probably the best place to start. That will at least give you a starting point and you will have a better idea of where she's at in the relationship. Good luck.

  4. #4
    Senior Member whitelightnin99's Avatar
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    TLS thanks for an honest and mature reply. I too think it may have something to do with possibly missing out on partying or something but i just can pinpoint it. She didnt have a whole lot of anything when we met and thanks to my parents she has a great job, 2 beautiful kids and i like to think a pretty damn good husband. Its like the other morning i let her sleep in a little bit and got up , cooked breakfast etc and as soon as she got up my little girl screamed at her brother or something small and she started getting pissy . I kind of mumbled "here we go" and it was on. She mother fu**ker this and that and got all crazy but im the one to blame. Since i pay all of the bills, she accused me of making it "my " money and she has to ask me to use any. Thats not the case at all btw. Since i pay the bills, if i see charge that i didnt make i ask if it was her just to be safe ( you know how stolen cards and stuff are these days) I just feel like something shady is going on but she gets so damn defensive if you ask anything. I was supposed to confront her last night but fell asleep at 7 (i usually go to bed around 11-12pm) and slept until time for work this morning. I think i was so mentally drained i had to crash. I just dont know the best way to figure it out unless i hire a PI but dont know if i can afford that. From here on out im taking notes on every little thing with dates and times just in case it has to go to court.

  5. #5
    Senior Member whitelightnin99's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 0rion View Post
    sounds like a fucking nightmare really......also sounds like you already know what's going on so there's nothing anyone here can tell you that you don't already know. My advice would be to decide now if it's worth trying to save and going from there. There's some trust issues and those are hard as hell to get back. Even if she confessed everything to you it's gonna be hard for you to get that trust back. With kids involved it makes it more complicated but there are 2 schools of thought there. One is that people stay together for the kids sake to protect them. The other is that the kids may be better off if you guys split up and both are happy instead of trapping the kids in a bad relationship and letting them see that. They have a tendancy to pick up on things and know when there's tension and things aren't going well.......they also think it's their fault.
    Sit your wife down and have a talk with her. That's probably the best place to start. That will at least give you a starting point and you will have a better idea of where she's at in the relationship. Good luck.
    Thanks to you too man, i just never thought id be in this position and all of what you said is also very true. Tonight we sit down and hash it out the best we can . If she threatens to leave me with our kids, thats when ill be broken. I really dont think i could take a single day without them. I dont think ive ever even once seen her just randomly walk by and pick one of them up to hug and kiss. I do that every chance i can get. Dont get me wrong, im far from perfect but i do the best i can do and put them first. Very tough decision i have here, ive put up with it this long for the kid's sake but since you put it that way i may not be doing them any favors either. I dont have money for a lawyer and im just really in disbelief. Thanks so much again for listening, ill keep you posted

  6. #6
    Senior Member whitelightnin99's Avatar
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    she is CONSTANTLY texting god knows who btw. I called Tmobile to see about getting records but they say only with a court order. If i could get my hands on some of the conversations , theres no telling what id find out

  7. #7
    Your dealership guy konigandy6's Avatar
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    I understand what you're going through.. minus having the kids.

    What I found out from my marriage, that when I have hunches something is going on, it usually is. Toward the end of my relationship with my exwife, we did exactly what you are doing, we turned into roomates. I had bad feelings all the time when she was out, that I couldn't trust her. Her phone would get texts at 3am from God knows who. I would just lay there and pretend I didn't hear it because I was frightened of the inevitable outcome, and it hurt to hear her lie right to my face. I was never a snooper, I never went through her phone or followed her, but these feelings of untrust never quit. I supported her almost 100% since she worked part time at Target, and had no ambitions of doing anything else. She would tell me she was working all these hours but her paychecks said otherwise.

    Well the inevitable happened, and she left me. We had a long conversation where she was basically playing it off as, "we've grown apart" or "I can tell you don't feel the same about me" blah blah blah. Well I bought it, and out the door she went.

    It wasn't until 2 months later I found out she had been cheating on me for some time, and she became addicted to some medications... that her doctor was prescribing her at an alarming rate, on my health insurance. I was sunk... all the feelings I had from the beginning were all surfacing as being right. All the hunches I had were all true. This was the worst feeling.

    Sorry if I carried on, but I wanted to share with you my experience. There were no kids involved, but it was still a terrible time in my life. If there is any advice I can give you, is go with your gut instincts. Do what your conscience is telling you, because it's usually correct. I'm sorry you have to go through this, it's never easy. Keep your chin up, and put your best face forward for the kids. In the end, you will be the better person.

  8. #8
    She-Member jrbonds's Avatar
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    Sadly, I did this to my ex husband, minus the drugs. Just the way I treated him and hid things and got defensive and was talking to other men. I was done with the relationship and figured that being a bitch would make him go away. But it didn't. We also didn't have children. Time to snoop, something. Take the kids to grandma and confront her. You can't keep living this way. The kids pick up on this kind of behavior. Good luck.

  9. #9
    Senior Member whitelightnin99's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by konigandy6 View Post
    I understand what you're going through.. minus having the kids.

    What I found out from my marriage, that when I have hunches something is going on, it usually is. Toward the end of my relationship with my exwife, we did exactly what you are doing, we turned into roomates. I had bad feelings all the time when she was out, that I couldn't trust her. Her phone would get texts at 3am from God knows who. I would just lay there and pretend I didn't hear it because I was frightened of the inevitable outcome, and it hurt to hear her lie right to my face. I was never a snooper, I never went through her phone or followed her, but these feelings of untrust never quit. I supported her almost 100% since she worked part time at Target, and had no ambitions of doing anything else. She would tell me she was working all these hours but her paychecks said otherwise.

    Well the inevitable happened, and she left me. We had a long conversation where she was basically playing it off as, "we've grown apart" or "I can tell you don't feel the same about me" blah blah blah. Well I bought it, and out the door she went.

    It wasn't until 2 months later I found out she had been cheating on me for some time, and she became addicted to some medications... that her doctor was prescribing her at an alarming rate, on my health insurance. I was sunk... all the feelings I had from the beginning were all surfacing as being right. All the hunches I had were all true. This was the worst feeling.

    Sorry if I carried on, but I wanted to share with you my experience. There were no kids involved, but it was still a terrible time in my life. If there is any advice I can give you, is go with your gut instincts. Do what your conscience is telling you, because it's usually correct. I'm sorry you have to go through this, it's never easy. Keep your chin up, and put your best face forward for the kids. In the end, you will be the better person.
    wow , sorry to hear but that does sound SO much like what is going on right now. Im not a snooper either, i havent once grabbed her phone and searched through it because im afraid of what i will find and what it will do to my future. I do normally follow my gut but considering how much of a life changer this is, im so scared to believe it. Something has to change, its not healthy for any of us and again, thanks so much for your input. I wanted to get feelings from people other than my family since they will of course will be one sided and you guys dont know either of us. She hasnt always been like this at all so i do believe my hunches about pills are prob. accurate and you guys seem to feel the same way. Im so mentally drained its ridiculous, sleeping 14hours last night sure felt good though! Again, tonight will be the night but im sure she will get very defensive and lie to me anyways

  10. #10
    Senior Member 98maro's Avatar
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    Damn. Sorry bout all this man.
    Your not the only one going through shit like this.
    Unfurtunatly if she's using drugs or cheating on you.
    You can't do anything to change that.
    More than anything you are worried about your kids future, if you want the best for them. You have to be out of that relationship because all that tension and arguments going on is not good for them.
    I tell you because I grew up like that. My parents fighting all the time my dad using drugs, drinking beating my mom all the time.
    It was just a nightmare for me & and my little brothers.

    I hope you can figure something out man.
    I'm sure you don't wanna live the rest of your life this way

  11. #11
    Your dealership guy konigandy6's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by whitelightnin99 View Post
    wow , sorry to hear but that does sound SO much like what is going on right now. Im not a snooper either, i havent once grabbed her phone and searched through it because im afraid of what i will find and what it will do to my future. I do normally follow my gut but considering how much of a life changer this is, im so scared to believe it. Something has to change, its not healthy for any of us and again, thanks so much for your input. I wanted to get feelings from people other than my family since they will of course will be one sided and you guys dont know either of us. She hasnt always been like this at all so i do believe my hunches about pills are prob. accurate and you guys seem to feel the same way. Im so mentally drained its ridiculous, sleeping 14hours last night sure felt good though! Again, tonight will be the night but im sure she will get very defensive and lie to me anyways
    It is a huge life changer but if it is what your conscience is telling you to do, the sooner the better. I can only imagine where my life would be today if my situation was drawn out any longer. It hurts to think it, but if this is what it has boiled down to, get out ASAP. The longer you wait, the more emotions take over and you end up doing things you'll regret or saying things you'll regret. It is very emotionally draining, yes, but imagine what this will be like in 6 months if nothing changes. Stay strong, and stick to your guns. Don't let the her lies dictate the outcome, it sounds like you're the more level headed one anyway, so you're in the drivers seat right now.

  12. #12
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    my cousin went through this a few years ago with his wife...she is also a nurse....her dumb ass paid for a hotel with the bank card and she knows he always looks at the account cause he is very financially minded.....in his research, he discovered that nurses are a high risk to cheat, especially when working in the e.r.....they become closer to the doctors and form a fascination with them, even the ugly as shit ones, simply because of intellect and power. sounds like you need to do a little recon on this party weekend she has comin up....

  13. #13
    Senior Member whitelightnin99's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 98maro View Post
    Damn. Sorry bout all this man.
    Your not the only one going through shit like this.
    Unfurtunatly if she's using drugs or cheating on you.
    You can't do anything to change that.
    More than anything you are worried about your kids future, if you want the best for them. You have to be out of that relationship because all that tension and arguments going on is not good for them.
    I tell you because I grew up like that. My parents fighting all the time my dad using drugs, drinking beating my mom all the time.
    It was just a nightmare for me & and my little brothers.

    I hope you can figure something out man.
    I'm sure you don't wanna live the rest of your life this way
    i really dont and its not like we fuss and argue all the time but the few times it only takes a teeny tiny spark to make her explode and its just uncalled for. Shes threatened to leave with the kids before b/c ive taken up for her being a smartass to them. I dont care what she does to me to be honest but i really dont know what ill do if i lose my kids. And again im not perfect but her defense is that i do everything around here so i can throw it in her face. Thats seriously not my intentions in no shape or form. Most of the time i just dont say anything when shes being a bitch so my kids wont have to see us argue but my pride steps in other times and i argue back. Ive never hit a woman and never will but she tried to get me fired up so ill do something stupid.

  14. #14
    Senior Member whitelightnin99's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jiveass View Post
    my cousin went through this a few years ago with his wife...she is also a nurse....her dumb ass paid for a hotel with the bank card and she knows he always looks at the account cause he is very financially minded.....in his research, he discovered that nurses are a high risk to cheat, especially when working in the e.r.....they become closer to the doctors and form a fascination with them, even the ugly as shit ones, simply because of intellect and power. sounds like you need to do a little recon on this party weekend she has comin up....
    well funny you mention that. About 3 or 4 weeks ago she had a "meeting" at the beach, its maybe 50 miles away. The meeting was on a Thursday morning but she wanted to leave from work and be there that night so she could make it to the 9 am meeting. Why in the hell she didnt just wake up at 7 and drive from home straight there i dont know. Anyways the owner of the place she works for died a year or so ago and his grandson is now one of the ownersm (he's about my age, early 30's). I called her that night just to see if she made it there or not and heard a guy in the background. I asked who it was and that son of a bitch was in the car with 3 other girls, one including my wife. The so called meeting the next morning she was texting me from 8am-around 9am and she was back home by 11am. I dont think a Medicaid or whatever the hell kind of meeting would only last 30 min to an hour but i didnt say alot about it at the time. INot exactly sure how to find out where they are staying but i can borrow a buddys truck and do some investigating

  15. #15
    Member FMBL's Avatar
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    I went through the same thing with my ex a few years ago. My step daughter was 13 at the time which I had raised since she was 2 told me that if I didn't find out where her mother was going all the time she was going to hide in her mom's Tahoe and find out for herself. Previous to this I had suspected her cheating. Family, friends and neighbors had asked me if I suspected it. I confronted her and of course she said no that there was no way. Never had been a snooper or follower before this. I had a 8 yr old daughter with her and like you I was terrified of losing my daughter. I bought a past-track gps system and WOW did I learn alot. I thought that having this info would give me a better chance of getting custody of my daughter. I also hired a PI for more evidence. Once it came to court none if it mattered. She still got half of everything and then some. Ended up with 50/50 spit custody of my daughter plus pay her child support.

    Follow your gut. My daughter is so much happier now and DON't Let her scare you with the whole "I will take the kids". These days she has no more right that you do when it comes to custody.

    Good luck

  16. #16
    Senior Member TLS_Addict's Avatar
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    I am not sure how I would react. I know I snoop because I wont be lied to and I ALWAYS find out. For osme reason I becoe a detective of sorts and have a great ability to work my words to ask questions to "other" questions. However, she was on to me after a while. Round about questions will give you some answers.

    I snoop because I have the right to know whats going on, as do you in this case. If there is nothing than its just you (and me) being paranoid, however if you find something you are completely justified.

    Trust is a huge thing to lose and honestly I can never gain it back once its lost. I dont forgive, I just move on.

    You have kids to worry about so its not quite the same. For your sake I hope your worst fears are just that, fears and not actuality.

  17. #17
    Senior Member whitelightnin99's Avatar
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    i honestly didnt expect to get much feedback and even though we dont know each other i sincerely appreciate your responses. She will be home in 3 hours so i may not post until tomorrow - ill be sure to let you know the outcome . I just have a feeling shes just going to deny it all but how in the hell she can weasel out of the credit card thing is beyond me.

  18. #18
    Veteran 0rion's Avatar
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    with the kids being involved your first choice HAS to be to try and work it out. Talk to her and don't accuse her of anything that would put her on the defensive. You said yourself you're not perfect so you need to figure out what changes YOU can make that will give it a chance to work. That's about all you can control really....your actions. The rest is up to her. If she's not willing to put in the work and make the relationship succeed then it may be time to move on. It's like a band aid at that point....rip it off quick and clean. Dragging it out will be worse on the kids.

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    Man that sucks I hope your situation gets better soon for you and your kids.
    My advice. 1. Snoop around, try to find proof first. Don't ask, even if she is being shady she'll lie.
    2. Tell her or write a letter about your concerns and desires to fix it. Ask her to tell you if there is something going on so you guys can work through it.
    Tell her if there is something or someone else that your fine with leaving and moving on if it can't be worked out.

    I went through this with the mother of my son. I stayed and tryed to make it all work for the of the kid but in the end I had to go.
    That was 10 years ago, I have full custody of my son and met a wonderful women whom I married.
    The above is just my opinion

    This is fact. Keep your emotions contained and don't say or do anything you wouldn't say or do in front of Family Court Judge. Good Luck

  20. #20
    11 years of bangin gears cammed goat's Avatar
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    Keep your cool. You will have to play it safe as the CC company will most likely send you a copy of the transactions. Also, if she is also hot-tempered at work, someone HAS to keep record and report it to an RN or a psychologist on staff. If she thinks she is getting away with shit...she thought wrong. EVERYONE in EVERY field has someone to report to. These could be admissible in court if this goes that far. As far as her leaving with the kids...I dunno about your state, but your bills will most likely be looked at, and if her records from work get pulled, this will work in your favor. From what I read, you are basically Mr. Mom. If she isn't already, she better start looking over her shoulder and walking a straight line.

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