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Thread: Tales of Orion
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02-07-2009, 01:37 PM #1
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Tales of Orion
The doctor said, "Orion, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Orion was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long."
Orion laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
The tailor replied, "Been in the business 60 years!" Orion tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Orion admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Orion thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Orion and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck."
Again, Orion was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Orion tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Orion adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
Orion was on a roll and said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Orion's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Orion was astonished,
"That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Orion tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Orion walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Orion thought for a second and said, "Sure."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Orion's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."
Orion laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.
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02-07-2009, 01:44 PM #2
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Phantom Black Metallic- 2004 GTO M6
I'll sit on the sidelines waiting to ring the bell. Where's Jimmy Buffer DAMMIT??!!
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02-07-2009, 01:45 PM #3
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- Retired Outlaw Sum Bitch
Orion and Ed were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to Ed, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...
O o
...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge.
"And you, how did you do?", he asked Orion,
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?", "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)
o O
I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison, ..."
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02-07-2009, 01:47 PM #4
Owning a 9 sec ricer is like coming out of the closest: at first you'll surprise everyone, but in the end you're still gay
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02-07-2009, 01:49 PM #5
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Ed walks into a bar with his buddy Orion. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, Orion starts jumping all over the place. Orion grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at Ed, "Did you see what your buddy just did?"
Ed says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies Ed.
"He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his buddy Orion with him. He orders a drink and Orion starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking, Orion finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your buddy did now?"
"Now what?" asks Ed.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies Ed, "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
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02-07-2009, 01:52 PM #6
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Orion goes and buys this really nice motorcycle and he asks the seller how old it is. The seller tells him its 30 years old and he keeps it looking so good by putting vaseline on it every time it rains.
So the next night, Orion is eating dinner at his girlfriend's parents' house. After seeing a huge pile of dishes, he asks his girlfriend about them. she tells him if that whoever talks during dinner has to clean all of them. No one has apparently talked for quite awhile.
Well, Orion figures the only safe way to avoid dishes patrol is to get them to talk. So they are all sitting there eating dinner and he grabs his girlfriend and starts banging her right there on the table... but no one says a word.
As he is walking back to the table after freshening up, he again sees the dishes. So this time he grabs his girlfriend's sister and starts fucking her on top of the mashed potatoes. Again, no one says a thing and again he sees the dishes. So now getting desperate, he grabs the girlfriend's mother and starts riding her on the table, but still no one says a thing.
Once again he freshens up and is walking back to the table and notices its starting to rain. He's worried about his motorcycle so he pulls the vaseline jar out of his pocket. The father seeing this yells out "Aww fuck it, I'll do the damn dishes."
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02-07-2009, 01:52 PM #7
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02-07-2009, 01:56 PM #8
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This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named SleeperC5; he'll service every chicken you've got. No problem."
Well , SleeperC5 the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So , he buys SleeperC5. The farmer takes SleeperC5 home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk, " SleeperC5, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.
SleeperC5 seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and SleeperC5 took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen on there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked. SleeperC5 runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese. SleeperC5's up in the pigpen. He's in with the cows. SleeperC5 is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.
The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find SleeperC5 dead as a doorknob in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal , shakes his head and says, "Oh, SleeperC5, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
SleeperC5 opens one eye, nods towards the sky and says, "Shhh. They're getting closer...."
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02-07-2009, 02:07 PM #9
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Phantom Black Metallic- 2004 GTO M6
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02-07-2009, 02:08 PM #10
I see we are feeling a bit frisky again today, huh, Sarge?
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02-07-2009, 02:11 PM #11
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Yup
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02-07-2009, 02:14 PM #12
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KahanaReef explains to the doctor, "When I touch my arm, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my leg, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my head, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my chest, ouch, it hurts."
The doctor just shakes his head and asks, "You're a natural red hair, aren't you?"
KahanaReef smiles and says, "Why, yes I am. How did you know?"
The doctor replies, "Because your finger is broken."
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02-07-2009, 02:17 PM #13
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02-07-2009, 02:17 PM #14
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A Doctor was caring for KahanaReef in the hospital and asked, "So, how was your breakfast this morning?"
"It was very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," KahanaReef replied.
He asked if he could see the jelly and KahanaReef produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
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02-07-2009, 02:19 PM #15
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02-07-2009, 02:19 PM #16
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KahanaReef was trying to sell her old car but wasn't having any luck because the car had 250,000 miles on it.
One day, she mentioned this to a friend. Her friend told her, "There is a way to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied KahanaReef, "I've just gotta sell it."
"Okay," said the friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the odometer in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell it."
The following weekend, KahanaReef made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, her friend asked her, "Well, did you sell your car?"
"No," replied KahanaReef, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"
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02-07-2009, 02:19 PM #17
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[]D [] []V[] []D- 1999 trans am
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02-07-2009, 02:21 PM #18
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Two Valencia babes were sitting on a bench on the Atlantic City boardwalk admiring a beautiful, bright full moon. One said to the other, "I wonder which is further away, Florida or the moon?"
"Duh..." said KahanaReef, "Can you see Florida from here?"
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02-07-2009, 02:22 PM #19
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Phantom Black Metallic- 2004 GTO M6
Daaaaaaayyyuuuuuuum!!!!!
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02-07-2009, 02:23 PM #20
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A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his neighbor KahanaReef came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and again slammed it shut. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL'."
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