some jokes....

[0rion]

you guys need to wake up a bit.....getting sleepy around here.



A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

couple of Jay Hickman jokes....for you young'ns if you've never listened to Jay you need too.....


A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"




This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"



A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

[CJREX]

The Newlyweds

Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.

All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger.

Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling.

When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'.

And, once more they enjoy each other but as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

[024mula]

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a huge stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "All those for me?"
"Just take two," Brenda replied.
"The rest are for your father."

[0rion]

The Newlyweds

Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.

All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger.

Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling.

When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'.

And, once more they enjoy each other but as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a huge stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "All those for me?"
"Just take two," Brenda replied.
"The rest are for your father."

nice......

here's a story I've gotten hundreds of people with over the years.

I tell them there was a little boy that was born at the local hospital with no eyelids so they used the skin from his circumcision to make him some eyelids. They always say "Really...wow" and I say " He should be fine.....just a little cock eyed."

[CJREX]

If you want to get on your wife's good side, tell her about the baby that was born with the organs of both sexes. It had a brain and a vagina.

[0rion]

If you want to get on your wife's good side, tell her about the baby that was born with the organs of both sexes. It had a brain and a vagina.

[5.0THIS]

If you want to get on your wife's good side, tell her about the baby that was born with the organs of both sexes. It had a brain and a vagina.

[Stinger]

I loved Jay Hickman's Jokes when I first heard them as a kid. Sucks that he died.

I guess my favorite was the "boat ride".

[02ragtop t/a]

There was a beauty contest in Russia. The winner's measurements were 36-24-36. The other leg was the same.

Why should women wear tampons when they skydive?
...So they don't whistle on the way down.

[BRANDON]

WHATS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A GAY MAN AND A REFRIGERATOR??
....THE REFRIGERATOR DOESNT FART WHEN YOU PULL THE MEAT OUT!!!!


One day this beautiful woman who had too many bad relationships in the past decided to try something different to find her perfect match,so she posted an ad in the personals,her ad said she wanted a man who would treat her right,she doesnt want someone who would beat on her or run out on her,but he would have to be sexually active as she is,after a few days a man calls and they talk for a while over the phone and she gets comfortable enough to invite him over so they can meet in person,the next day her door bell rings,she opens the door and finds a man in a wheelchair with no arms or legs, she asks "can i help you sir?" he says "yes its me the guy you been talking to",confused she says "well what makes you think you fit what i said im looking for in my ad?" the guy in the wheelchair replies "well i have no arms,so i cant beat on ya, and i have no legs so i cant run out on ya either" the woman says "ok,but i also said i wanted someone sexually active,how could you be sexually active?" the man says" i rang the door bell didnt i ?"

[Zinergy]

There was a beauty contest in Russia. The winner's measurements were 36-24-36. The other leg was the same.

Why should women wear tampons when they skydive?
...So they don't whistle on the way down.

Lets just hope they don't get confused and pull the right string.

[02ragtop t/a]

You do mean the "wrong" string, right?

[02ragtop t/a]

What's the difference between aaaaaaaaaahhhhh and OOOOOOOOOOOOhhhhhhh?

....About 3 inches.

A blonde walks into a drugstore and asks for a pack of condoms. The clerk says " That will be $5.35 with the tax."
She says, " Tacks? I thought you just rolled them on!"

There's nothing worse than going home at two with a ten and waking up at ten with a two!

[024mula]

Q. How can you tell if your girlfriend is overweight?
A. She starts fitting your wife's clothes!

[KahanaReef]

Q. How can you tell if your girlfriend is overweight?
A. She starts fitting your wife's clothes!

That's messed up

[02ragtop t/a]

This little old lady goes to her doctor. "Doctor", she says, " I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me that much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I must have farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they are silent and don't smell."
The Doc says, "Hmmm..I see. Here, take these pills and come back in a week."
..The Lady comes back the next week. "Doctor, I don't know what you gave me," she says, "My farts are still silent but they stink like holy Hell!"
The Doc says to her, " Good, now that we've cleaned up your sinuses, lets work on your hearing."

[02ragtop t/a]

Another way to tell if your wife/ girlfriend is "calorically enhanced": When she sits on your face and you can't hear your stereo; when she gives you a hug and you can't tell what side you are on!

[CJREX]

Not that I'm into misogyny, but...

What does a battered wife do when she gets home from the ER?

It better be the @##$% dishes!

What are the last words of a Redneck before being sent to the ER?

"Hey ya'll, watch this!"

[02ragtop t/a]

What's the definition of... necrophilia ?

...The urge to crack open a cold one!

When did Pinnochio realize he was made of wood?

...When his right hand caught fire!

[TLS_Addict]

A doe walks out of the woods and says to another doe "I will never do that again for a buck."