Sarge's family vacation.....

**0rion** · 03-09-2011, 05:13 PM

Sarge's family was supposed to stay the night at a hotel, but there was a screw-up with the rooms, so Sarge had to sleep in the same bed as his 15-year old Grandson. In the middle of the night Sarge woke up and shouted: "Quick! Get me a woman! Fast!!"

The grandson moaned: "Please, Grandpa, calm down. First, its three o'clock in the morning and you'll never find a woman at this hour. Second, you're 82 years old, and third, that's MY dick you're holding... not yours."

**0rion** · 03-09-2011, 05:15 PM

Sarge announces his intention to marry a woman of 30. He is persuaded to have a medical exam first.

"Everyone tells me I need a checkup to see if I'm sexually fit," he says to the doctor.

"O.K,." says the medic, "Let me see your sex organs."

So Sarge sticks out his tongue and his middle finger.

**024mula** · 03-09-2011, 05:18 PM

**c5z28** · 03-09-2011, 05:19 PM

And the grandson said it so calmly too

**024mula** · 03-09-2011, 05:21 PM

Sex and Good English

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservations who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, the man drove to the reservation, handed his certificate to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned: "This is a powerful medicine, and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say, '1-2-3'. When you do that, you will become more manly than yo have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say, '1-2-3-4'," the medicine man responded, "but, when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
Eager to see if it worked, the man went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3-for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition -- because we could end up with a dangling participle.

**024mula** · 03-09-2011, 05:23 PM

Sheep Fries

There was once a sheep farmer who needed help with the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the females. He hired a French guy who didn't speak much English, but was a very good worker.
After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his French worker was just about to throw away the "parts", but the sheep farmer yelled, "No! Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them. They're delicious, and we call them 'sheep fries'."
Later that day, the French hired hand came in for supper and, indeed, the "sheep fries" were tasty.
The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and that evening they all settled down to another supper of "sheep fries".
The third day, however, when the sheep farmer came home, he asked his wife where the French hired hand was.
"You know, it's the weirdest thing," she said. "I told him since there weren't very many 'sheep fries' this evening, we were also going to have French fries, and he ran away as fast as he could run!"

**024mula** · 03-09-2011, 05:26 PM

The Irishman

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a desert island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," he thought. As the speck got closer and closer he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.
Suddenly, there emerged from the surf a wet-suited, black-clad figure. Putting aside the scuba grear and the mask, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman. The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the Irishman, "that is so good, I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
At this, the gorgeous blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips the pocket, removes a flask and hands it to him.
The Irishman opens the flask and takes a long drink. "Tis nectar of the gods! he exclaimed. "Tis truly fantastic!"
At this point, the beautiful blonde starts to slowly unzip the long front of her westsuit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there, too!"

**024mula** · 03-09-2011, 05:29 PM

The Princess

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the Pincess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would - no matter what: metal, wood, stone, you name it - anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry
her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians.
One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan. The next day, he announced a competition: Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
Three young princes took up the challenge.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel but, alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt but, alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was went away disappointed. The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red with embarrassment. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

-- Question: What was in the prince's pants?
-- Answer: M&M's, of course, they melt in your mouth, not in your hand!
-- What were you thinking?

**024mula** · 03-09-2011, 05:40 PM

Sorry Orion didn't mean to hijack your thread. I just had to get those jokes off my chest. (I feel better now).

**c5z28** · 03-09-2011, 05:53 PM

Originally Posted by 024mula

The Irishman

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a desert island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," he thought. As the speck got closer and closer he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.
Suddenly, there emerged from the surf a wet-suited, black-clad figure. Putting aside the scuba grear and the mask, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman. The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the Irishman, "that is so good, I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
At this, the gorgeous blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips the pocket, removes a flask and hands it to him.
The Irishman opens the flask and takes a long drink. "Tis nectar of the gods! he exclaimed. "Tis truly fantastic!"
At this point, the beautiful blonde starts to slowly unzip the long front of her westsuit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there, too!"

**67CamaroRSSS** · 03-09-2011, 06:02 PM

Originally Posted by 024mula

The Irishman

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a desert island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," he thought. As the speck got closer and closer he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.
Suddenly, there emerged from the surf a wet-suited, black-clad figure. Putting aside the scuba grear and the mask, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman. The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the Irishman, "that is so good, I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
At this, the gorgeous blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips the pocket, removes a flask and hands it to him.
The Irishman opens the flask and takes a long drink. "Tis nectar of the gods! he exclaimed. "Tis truly fantastic!"
At this point, the beautiful blonde starts to slowly unzip the long front of her westsuit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there, too!"

Nice but beings it's a golf joke it would have worked better if it was a Scotsman...