Rehab

[98 bird or prey]

My wife will be going into rehab for alcohol for the 2nd time. We have been marrired two years and I am thinking this is her last chance to get dry. I go to Al-anon and deal we the lies and crap pretty well, but I am tired of the game that she seems to want to play. She is 34 and was sober for 5 years, and when we dated. She is in detox now and will start a 28 day rehab this week. I think it needs to be longer, like 6 to 9 mos. total. she did 28 days before and it lasted about 3 weeks. Any input???

[tnthub]

You know what to do. Without going into details or reasons I have not had a drink since December 16, 1985.

When I quit drinking someone told me that I only had to quit once.

What you need to do is simply take care of yourself as best you can, be there for your wife as best you can, take things one day at a time, and I strongly urge some counseling for you on top of al-anon. You cannot fix her. That is her job. You probably shouldn't write her off just yet as five years is a long time and now twice in a short while means there is something going on with her that she needs to deal with. After five years it wasn't the booze that made her start drinking again (despite what the party line may be). After five years she was sober enough to make her own decisions and she made a bad one. What happened?

I think you owe it to yourself to figure out what happened and once you do that the question of whether or not to stick around will be more easily answered. None of us are perfect but you are married and you did make a committment. There is a big difference between standing by and trying, and enabling. If you have been attending meetings and listening you understand the difference. Life is a process not an event. You have to take care of yourself first but she is in rehab and that is the right place for her. I would not recommend making a decision like this while she in in rehab.

Think of this as the second strike (not the third).

[DrMilhouse]

disclaimer: Okay, I've got no experience with alcoholism. Also, everything said below is not the "truth" of course, it's a point of view and a point to consider. Most importantly, the point of view is not given as a judgement against you or anything like that, but just to give you something else to consider about it. So don't get your panties in a wad thinking that I'm saying you're a jerk. I'm not saying that at all. Take it for what it is, another way to see it.


...Dude, what the hell? She's been clean for 5 years. You've been with her for 2 years and she has a slip up and drinks and is back on the wrong side of alcoholism and left the recovery mode for a bit. You're the dude that's committed to her, is married to her for 2 years and you're getting ready to ditch her because she's having a bit of trouble staying in sober and in recovery.

now, from the outside looking in objectively, if you're even thinking about leaving already, it says a whole lot about you. Don't internalize everything here, but uhm, maybe something happened because of you and your relationship to her that threw her off the recovery.


Now, it could be that I'm really tired right now or it could be the coach in me or maybe it's something else entirely. I dunno what it is at the moment, but something makes me wanna scream GROW UP OR GET OUT OF THE GAME. If people gave up on me that easy, I'd have given up on everything a long time ago.

Just from the tone of what your post is, and this being "the last chance" the rest of the relationship isn't working somehwere else. There's too much frustration showing there for it to be JUST the drinking and MAYBE it's the rest of the frustration that is the cause of her drinking again. I agree with what TNT said, it wasn't booze that brought her back to drinking.

You probably wanted more support along the lines of agreement with you and making her the bad guy or something, but I don't think it's all her (and I don't think it's all you or ALL anything or anyone).

Take care of yourself and get support but for heaven's sake don't give up on someone you love and care about enough that you actually married with out looking at what might be going on behind the scenes to eff things up.

[94z28l]

its a tough thing and can get to be very difficult at times, hang in there

[tnthub]

I have a cousin who is in her mid 50s. She married a great guy who is very successful. They have four kids and the youngest one is starting college. All have done well.

his cousin of mine was a high school cheerleader, top oher academic class, and holds two masters degrees. She is also a successful local artist.

Unfortunately she has been in and out of rehab for the past 15 years. A few years back she had a stroke (compounded by alcoholism), she has had affairs, and more recently she broke her ankle which has not healed and it has been over six months.

The guy she married is just wonderful. He has stayed with her through all this crap and I know he will continue to stay until the youngest is out of college.

They have a great home and money in the bank. He is a great father and has taken the responsibility of raising a family seriously.

The amount of crap he has put up with is more than almost anyone can bear.

Some people never recover from booze. Some people do. You made a committment that is for "better or worse", "sickness and health"...

I suggest you try and do right by your wife. If it reaches a point where her doctor suggest she be on her own then fine, get out... But there are different opinions about the best treatments for alcoholism and I really hope you educate yourself to what it does before you make any major decisions.

I would expect my wife to throw me out if I went back to my old ways but I also know she would stand by as long as humanly possible to try and help me get better before making the decision to leave completely.

Marriage is sometimes a lot of work. Take the high road and do what is right for your wife. If you reach a point where you can;t do it anymore than do what you have to do to take care of yourself but give it an honest effort. there is no magic bullet for alcoholism.

A sober alcoholic needs to make sobriety the top priority of every day. Some people end up living a life of AA and therapy meetings and some achieve a balance and can be regular people.

I am a lucky guy. I get up, work, have fun, go to bed, and I don't think about things that can screw up my life. I have a great wife, a nice house, a couple of cars, and enjoy life. I just don't drink. But I met a couple of people when I first stopped drinking that had over 20 years of sobriety each, and went to meetings every week or two, and maintained normal lives. I wanted to be normal so I got to know them and my life turned around. That was over 20 years ago. I have no desire to screw myself up again.

Be there for your wife. Help her through this. Be supportive. Be a man and a husband. Give her a shot at becoming the woman you fell in love with.

Life is not perfect. If you don't put in some effort you will never know if it would have worked out. Get some therapy for yourself. go to more and different al-anon meeting in different towns. meet people who have been through what you are going through and have recovered.

I even consider myself "recovered" although it goes against what many people will say. It has been twenty years... Thats a pretty long time and I was 28 when I quit drinking... I only quit once because i didn;'t ever want to go back to the way I was before. Maybe your wife will get the message this time.

The success rate for rehabs is 1 in 32 and that counts people who have what is called "sustained sobriety" which is defined as one year or longer. People who do not go to rehab have roughly double the odds against them.

The people who have the best chance of success have a strong family and support system. Be that support system for your wife. Her odds are twice as good with you helping her.

[eddierox]

Hitting Rock bottom to complete ruin is the only way to finally quit.

The Jellinik Curve for Addiction and Recovery.

http://www.in.gov/judiciary/ijlap/docs/jellinek.pdf

[tnthub]

Hitting Rock bottom to complete ruin is the only way to finally quit.

The Jellinik Curve for Addiction and Recovery.

http://www.in.gov/judiciary/ijlap/docs/jellinek.pdf

The problem with that curve is some people see rock bottom as bouncing a check and others see it as living on skid row and whoring themselves out. Each person is different as to the "trigger point" where they feel they have hit "bottom".

Also, some people do not need go all the way down anyway. I know plenty of folks who have called their doctors, taken advice, and cleaned themselves up before the problem got bad enough to hurt them publically or financially.

[eddierox]

The problem with that curve is some people see rock bottom as bouncing a check and others see it as living on skid row and whoring themselves out. Each person is different as to the "trigger point" where they feel they have hit "bottom".

Also, some people do not need go all the way down anyway. I know plenty of folks who have called their doctors, taken advice, and cleaned themselves up before the problem got bad enough to hurt them publically or financially.

I agree ... one mans / womans rock bottom is (different but the same) as/than another mans / womans rock bottom ...

One notion is ... if you *think* you have a problem ... you do.

[98 bird or prey]

Thanks guys,
Just some more info, I learned that in the five years of being sober, she had replaced the alcohol with weed. When we were dating I made it clear that I wanted a drug free woman. I found out about the weed use around xmas 04 and she said she would quit. She did. At that time she had less than 2 years of school left to be a social worker. The alcohol started(I think) on our honnymoon, May of 05. She has quit school and lost every job (3) in that time. Now she is having liver trouble, and I got to make my fisrt 911 call last week. I am not going to give her a deadline, but that day may come. Just wanted to know if any one knew info about a 90 day program vs 30 days

[Sarge]

Pack your shit and haul ass. Life is too short to spend with a fucking drunk.
Haul fucking ass and dont look back.

[tnthub]

Replacing alcohol with weed is called "switched addictions". Although weed is generally not physically addictive the psychological addition can be very strong. Addics (what she is) are often extremely adept at hiding their problems and until mthey overcome their demons thay will cover them up using whatever means they can.

It is a horrible way to live and and I "cleaned up" I gave up everything because I too was into may different things. It was actually the little white powder that got me to quit... But I know if I picked up a beer that sooner or later I would be right back where I was and I never want to go back to how I was before. However I am human and I have told my wife if I'm 80 years oldm stuck in a nursing home, and have a couple of months to live she had been be sneaking me in some Jim Beam, some nice fatties, and whatever else she can find as despite to common sober attitude of dying sober, I have no desire to experience death if it is a medically terminal condition and I only have a short time left and am in a state of being useless to other people.

Do what you can. Just be there and be supportive. Ask for help and guidance from the doctors and counselors around her. Make sure you strip search everything in the house and eliminate any stashes she has. You must look everywhere... Inside socks, under the sink, in the cabinets, in the basement..... Addicts are very sneaky.... Don't forget to look in the freezer....

You may need to cut her loose but man up and give it some time first.

It sucks to have to go through this.

I have another cousin who went through rehab three times before she recovered. She is my age and we started partying together back in Junior High. After a couple of car wrecks, a failed marriage, losing several jobs and three trips to rehab she now has five years of sobriety and last year married a nice man she met in AA. She is a great gal and her new husband is a lucky guy. Sometimes time takes time.

[Anthracis]

Good luck man...but I gotta say, I agree with Sarge!