Probably getting a divorce...

**chiller2484** · 05-17-2010, 07:34 AM

It's not that we've been fighting, it's that there's no communication anymore. She's a teacher and is continuing her education and career. I'm working for her dad, stuck in a dead end job. I can't complain about anything that goes on at work b/c it's her dad and it would stress her out. She likes living where we do, I don't. She has friends here, I don't. We've been talking the past couple of weeks and she says I "need to define yourself".

I went from living with my dad, doing want I wanted, to living with her, to being married. I never went to college (outside of Community College), and she thinks that I've been robbed of defining moments of my life.

She even said that she wants me to go to school, like go somewhere out of town or state even, and go to school. I want to go back and I do agree with her. I've never lived on my own.

We asked each other if we still loved each other, and the answers were difficult. I love her but I'm not sure that I'm in love with her anymore, and she feels the same way. When I imagined getting married, I didn't picture it like this. We both want to live happy lives, and at the moment, it ain't happenin'.

We have no kids and have been married nearly 3 years.

What would you guys say; Should I take this as a learning experience and move on, or fight for her and try to save a dieing marriage?

**0rion** · 05-17-2010, 07:39 AM

divorce sucks....it's hard for the first year or so but sometimes it's worth it. Sounds like if you don't get divorced someone is going to live their life blaming someone else for their unhappiness. Call this a practice marriage or marriage version 1.0 and move on.

**LSCyaL8R** · 05-17-2010, 07:47 AM

I had a girlfriend that I was mad about. She didn't quite feel the same way. Toward the end she tried to set me up for what she thought would be the path for the best life for me. Despite not wanting to be with me anymore she had my best interests at heart and didn't want to see bad things happen to me. She always felt I was capable of far more than I ever achieved during our relationship. She encouraged me to go back to school and explore that potential. Even after we broke up she stuck around for a good year or two keeping in touch to see how I was doing and hang out from time to time. She remained supportive of my goals and I guess once she felt I had moved on and was moving in the right direction she just sort of stopped talking to me. Perhaps so she could remember me in a more positive light? So she could look back and smile having made a positive difference in eachothers lives?

The point is, this is a crossroads for you. Do YOU think you can achieve more? Do you think she has your best interests in mind? If you disagree and try to work on this is there middle ground for compromise? If not, would you ever be happy living the life you have right now?

Ultimately you need to do what is best for both of you. I didn't want to let go of my ex but in reality the way things played out was probably for the best.

Take your time. Slow deliberate actions. Make sure you both know where you stand and don't be afraid to share your feelings. Something you feel she must already know might end up being brand new news to her. Witholding your feelings is just about the same as lying about them.

**Soltakr** · 05-17-2010, 07:52 AM

Sorry to hear man, relationship are very hard now a days since women can think and vote and hold jobs and have rights and so on. Funny how experience is something you get right after you need it.

**FasstChevys** · 05-17-2010, 08:02 AM

Maybe take a step back and remember why you married her............and have her do the same thing.........and decide if you think the relationship is worth fighting for.

So many times I just see people give up on the other person and the relationship - and even though I've never been married, I'm also guilty of just giving up on a relationship because it's "easier".

**FasstChevys** · 05-17-2010, 08:03 AM

Originally Posted by Soltakr

Sorry to hear man, relationship are very hard now a days since women can think and vote and hold jobs and have rights and so on. Funny how experience is something you get right after you need it.

Dayum dude, that's the quote of the day..........and it's so damn true.

**MeGoFast** · 05-17-2010, 09:19 AM

Sounds to me your not happy nor is she with the marriage. With no kids its the perfect time to break away for good or at least take some time away from one another. Life is shorter than you think, your still young, go do whatcha want while you still can, you don't want to regret anything. If you both are meant to be it just may work out down the road.

**chiller2484** · 05-17-2010, 10:13 AM

Originally Posted by 0rion

divorce sucks....it's hard for the first year or so but sometimes it's worth it. Sounds like if you don't get divorced someone is going to live their life blaming someone else for their unhappiness. Call this a practice marriage or marriage version 1.0 and move on.

we both agreed that we moved too fast. we were engaged a year before actually getting married, but only dated for a few months before getting engaged. i think we were right for each other at the time, but our paths have gone separate ways. since i'm unhappy with where i'm at, i sometimes act bitter and cold. since i don't have any friends out here to hang out with, i take out my frustrations on her with my actions. she resents that.

plus, we have come to the realization that we don't have anything in common. i'm classic rock, muscle cars, video games and tv. she's 80s pop, reads alot, and doesn't "get it" when it comes to cars or video games. i like to come home after a long day of work and relax in front of the tv. she always wants to do something after work (go out to eat, shopping, etc).

**chiller2484** · 05-17-2010, 10:31 AM

Originally Posted by LSCyaL8R

I had a girlfriend that I was mad about. She didn't quite feel the same way. Toward the end she tried to set me up for what she thought would be the path for the best life for me. Despite not wanting to be with me anymore she had my best interests at heart and didn't want to see bad things happen to me. She always felt I was capable of far more than I ever achieved during our relationship. She encouraged me to go back to school and explore that potential. Even after we broke up she stuck around for a good year or two keeping in touch to see how I was doing and hang out from time to time. She remained supportive of my goals and I guess once she felt I had moved on and was moving in the right direction she just sort of stopped talking to me. Perhaps so she could remember me in a more positive light? So she could look back and smile having made a positive difference in eachothers lives?

The point is, this is a crossroads for you. Do YOU think you can achieve more? Do you think she has your best interests in mind? If you disagree and try to work on this is there middle ground for compromise? If not, would you ever be happy living the life you have right now?

Ultimately you need to do what is best for both of you. I didn't want to let go of my ex but in reality the way things played out was probably for the best.

Take your time. Slow deliberate actions. Make sure you both know where you stand and don't be afraid to share your feelings. Something you feel she must already know might end up being brand new news to her. Witholding your feelings is just about the same as lying about them.

I know I can achieve more. I came into her life and helped her get finished with school and get her career started. She has tried to help me get motivated but it just hasn't worked. She's pushing me away, so to speak, because I'm using her as a reason to hold back. I always think of other people before myself and now is the time that I need to focus on me.

**JHayesLS1** · 05-17-2010, 10:41 AM

Turn the page.

**allbaugh_04** · 05-17-2010, 10:47 AM

Your wife doesn't have to like what you like, she just needs to understand and you need to understand. That's how relationships can work, it just doesn't seem like thats working.

However, you have to have some things in common, if not, how else do you enjoy time together, how did you meet?

**chiller2484** · 05-17-2010, 11:22 AM

Originally Posted by allbaugh_04

Your wife doesn't have to like what you like, she just needs to understand and you need to understand. That's how relationships can work, it just doesn't seem like thats working.

However, you have to have some things in common, if not, how else do you enjoy time together, how did you meet?

we met through a mutual friend and i think at first i wasn't too interested, but we got to talking and the feelings grew. went on a few dates,

and then got engaged.

thinking back i don't know if i ever really had the butterflies in my stomach feeling that i thought i'd have. maybe i got married b/c it was convenient.

**allbaugh_04** · 05-17-2010, 11:27 AM

I haven't gotten that feeling since grade school.

Girls now days just can't cook. How do they expect you to like em to be crazy for them if there's never cookies around...but good luck with whatever you decide to do. Sounds like it's coming to an end.

**0rion** · 05-17-2010, 11:32 AM

Originally Posted by chiller2484

we both agreed that we moved too fast. we were engaged a year before actually getting married, but only dated for a few months before getting engaged. i think we were right for each other at the time, but our paths have gone separate ways. since i'm unhappy with where i'm at, i sometimes act bitter and cold. since i don't have any friends out here to hang out with, i take out my frustrations on her with my actions. she resents that.

plus, we have come to the realization that we don't have anything in common. i'm classic rock, muscle cars, video games and tv. she's 80s pop, reads alot, and doesn't "get it" when it comes to cars or video games. i like to come home after a long day of work and relax in front of the tv. she always wants to do something after work (go out to eat, shopping, etc).

I read a marriage quote when I was a kid that I still remember, maybe not word for word but the meaning is the same.
"It's the things that I have in common with my wife that make me love her.....it's the differences that make life interesting."
My wife likes to do a lot different things than I do and I'm glad she does. It gives us our time apart to do our own thing. Maybe you guys are just looking at it from the wrong angle...either way, it's something you guys will have to sort through. Just know going in that divorce sucks.....I mean really sucks. The girl that you're married too now has the ability to become the most ruthless person you've ever known. It doesn't always happen like that but it does on a regular basis.

**allbaugh_04** · 05-17-2010, 11:46 AM

Originally Posted by 0rion

I read a marriage quote when I was a kid that I still remember, maybe not word for word but the meaning is the same.
"It's NOT the things that I have in common with my wife that make me love her.....it's the differences that make life interesting."
My wife likes to do a lot different things than I do and I'm glad she does. It gives us our time apart to do our own thing. Maybe you guys are just looking at it from the wrong angle...either way, it's something you guys will have to sort through. Just know going in that divorce sucks.....I mean really sucks. The girl that you're married too now has the ability to become the most ruthless person you've ever known. It doesn't always happen like that but it does on a regular basis.

The angry side comes out more than the other side, I bet.

Did you mean NOT?

**tnthub** · 05-17-2010, 12:02 PM

Marriage is about compromise and being actively engaged with your spouse. My wife and I are ten years apart in age and in some ways we were brought up in very different worlds.

She could care less about cars but she figured out she could take digital pictures at the track and have fun doing it and manipulating the images later. She likes a structured environment so she works for a bigger company in our area. I don't like structure so I structure myself and do IT work and perform weddings. We have many different tastes and likes...

However she is still the gil with whom I fell in love. It is the person you choose, not the trend of the day, that makes a good relationship.

My wife knew my bad habits before we got married.

And our core values match in terms of relationship priorities and major decisions. 19 years later and we both know it was the best thing we ever did.

Not that every day is "happy land", because relationships take work... I'm currently stressed over a job and she wants a bunch of stuff fixed around the house. Nothing is ever "easy". But she is worth it and keeping our relationship in good shape is a priority for us both.

It sounds like you and your wife have some difficult choices to make. I would take the time with her to see if you can make those choices together instead of each of you individually making them. That process will tell you both a lot about your relationship and whether or not you should stay together. After three years of being married I think you both need to be certain of any choice you make. It isn't about cars, school, or anything else... It is about whether or not you and your wife will continue to have a life together. In my opinion that is a huge choice that takes priority over other "things" in your lives.

**KahanaReef** · 05-17-2010, 12:11 PM

Originally Posted by tnthub

Marriage is about compromise and being actively engaged with your spouse. My wife and I are ten years apart in age and in some ways we were brought up in very different worlds.

She could care less about cars but she figured out she could take digital pictures at the track and have fun doing it and manipulating the images later. She likes a structured environment so she works for a bigger company in our area. I don't like structure so I structure myself and do IT work and perform weddings. We have many different tastes and likes...

However she is still the gil with whom I fell in love. It is the person you choose, not the trend of the day, that makes a good relationship.

My wife knew my bad habits before we got married.

And our core values match in terms of relationship priorities and major decisions. 19 years later and we both know it was the best thing we ever did.

Not that every day is "happy land", because relationships take work... I'm currently stressed over a job and she wants a bunch of stuff fixed around the house. Nothing is ever "easy". But she is worth it and keeping our relationship in good shape is a priority for us both.

It sounds like you and your wife have some difficult choices to make. I would take the time with her to see if you can make those choices together instead of each of you individually making them. That process will tell you both a lot about your relationship and whether or not you should stay together. After three years of being married I think you both need to be certain of any choice you make. It isn't about cars, school, or anything else... It is about whether or not you and your wife will continue to have a life together. In my opinion that is a huge choice that takes priority over other "things" in your lives.

Words of wisdom right there

**0rion** · 05-17-2010, 01:46 PM

Originally Posted by allbaugh_04

The angry side comes out more than the other side, I bet.

Did you mean NOT?

no, the "not" isn't supposed to be there. The meaning is that it's the things you have in common with your wife that makes you fall in love with her but it's the things you don't have in common that makes your marriage interesting.

**cammed goat** · 05-17-2010, 05:15 PM

I have realized that in today's society, folks:

a-want to see how much they can get away with before getting caught
b-want everything with very little effort
c-try to keep the unhappiness "hush-hush" and pretend to be happy
d-go for "trophy" partners, good looking and rich but no sense of responsibility or morale whatsoever.

It's disgusting.

**Musclefan21** · 05-17-2010, 06:19 PM

I am terribly sorry to hear what you are going through and believe me I KNOW. I think if she is having a hard time to answer your do you love me question, just let this one go, cut your losses and move on. You will be happier.