Oil Change

[ls1camino]

My father just sent this to me in an email...one of the few times in my life I've actually laughed at an email like this.

----------

Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last
oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00
================================================== ========
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for
$50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.
Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and
twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can
to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil
change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag
pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in
back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to cycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along
with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily
dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of
ground and avoid environmental penalties.
Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag
used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain
plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00
But you know the job was done right!

[justinmc978]

AHAHA thats the truth^

[EnjoiJoe]

Haha I lol'd at the end when it said "Total - - $4,165.00 But you know the job was done right!"

[ss~zoso~ss]

na, more like,

For Women:

1. drive until engine seizes.

[wheeliE-maxx]

Have you noticed that no matter how fast or slow you unscrew the oil filter the shit still gets everywhere. And I never remember rags when I'm under there. I always get burnt by the previous owners' genious dual exhaust and good old u-bolts are there to stab me.

[ss~zoso~ss]

There's an oil filter,

FUCK

[86 IROC-Z]

Reminds me of this one time I tried building a fence.

[The Project]

Lesson learned..let the wife take the car in for an oil change (which she pays for) while you stay at home drinking beer. Now that's delegating.

[third_shift|studios]

this joke is ancient, but it came to mind when i attempted to change the oil in our newly acquired Fusion. They don't have a disposable conventional oilfilter, instead its a cartridge, you replace-but first you have to crack open the filter's cap-which appearantly takes a vehicle-specific tool 2 trips to the auto store and 1.5 hours later i was about to push it over a cliff. never got the damn filter out either

[310stanger]

this joke is ancient, but it came to mind when i attempted to change the oil in our newly acquired Fusion. They don't have a disposable conventional oilfilter, instead its a cartridge, you replace-but first you have to crack open the filter's cap-which appearantly takes a vehicle-specific tool 2 trips to the auto store and 1.5 hours later i was about to push it over a cliff. never got the damn filter out either

when you change that cartridge filter let me tell you some critical things or that motor is toast...... REPLACE THE RUBBER O-rings! if they leak, they will make an oil mess all over the entire car, trust me on this! That lil ring at the pointed end of the cartridge, thats important for oil pressure! Make sure the o rings go on EXACTLY the way they came off! When you screw the assembly back in, make sure the thing is TOTALLY FLUSH against the housing. If its not, the oil will leak! When I worked at both Ford and Hyundai, I got no less then 20 cars where people fucked up the cartridge filter change and a few lost motors!

[310stanger]

Oh yeah......


cost of new engine because of taking vehicle to jiffy no-lube.... $7,000.00

[wheeliE-maxx]

Hehe, our cobalt had a cartridge filter and we took the wrong plate off thinking it was the filter. We went in and said why is our new damn car leaking and they still fixed it under warranty. The filter itself came with a new o-ring. My mom's rogue has to be the easiest oil change ever, filter and bolt are right on the bottom of the pan. Wallyworld probably put 150 lb/ft on her aluminum oil pan, so it should be fun. Probably put conventional in when she asked for mobil 1. Stuff's been in there 9500 miles...

[Mr. Luos]

I wish I had the time to put back a 12 pack while changing the oil.

If I drank the whole time it takes...I may be able to put back 3 or 4.


1. Drive the Wally World.
2. Write check (well....use cash or debit) for $25 for Pennzoil Platinum and Delco filter.
3. Jack up car. Set stand under car.
4. Drain oil (15mm).
5. Change filter.
6. Fill.
7. Takes 15 minutes....with 10 of that letting the oil drain.

[LSCyaL8R]

I wish I had the time to put back a 12 pack while changing the oil.

If I drank the whole time it takes...I may be able to put back 3 or 4.


1. Drive the Wally World.
2. Write check (well....use cash or debit) for $25 for Pennzoil Platinum and Delco filter.
3. Jack up car. Set stand under car.
4. Drain oil (15mm).
5. Change filter.
6. Fill.
7. Takes 15 minutes....with 10 of that letting the oil drain.

True. Our cars are easy. My mark VIII had the filter in the most ungodly location known to man and required circus acrobat skills on the part of your hands and oil filter to snake it out from it's cave. Of course after 6 years I was an expert at getting it out of there.

My Saturn.... well to change the oil on my Satty I need to take off the passenger side wheel... after that it's a breeze. so no complaints.

[third_shift|studios]

when you change that cartridge filter let me tell you some critical things or that motor is toast...... REPLACE THE RUBBER O-rings! if they leak, they will make an oil mess all over the entire car, trust me on this! That lil ring at the pointed end of the cartridge, thats important for oil pressure! Make sure the o rings go on EXACTLY the way they came off! When you screw the assembly back in, make sure the thing is TOTALLY FLUSH against the housing. If its not, the oil will leak! When I worked at both Ford and Hyundai, I got no less then 20 cars where people fucked up the cartridge filter change and a few lost motors!

ef that, its going to sunoco each time

[hamburger68]

na, more like,

For Women:

1. drive until engine seizes.

ok, today my girlfriend tells me a story about a women from her work, shop detective, tough chick, martial arts and all... told my girl today that a nice guy at a gas station checked her oil and that she ran her car basically without any.
gf: "how often do you check oil?"
she: "never."
she got her (new) car two years ago, and was really proud of it!
"how often do you have to check?"
gf: "once a month at least, best each time you get gas. and oil change once a year, at least."

"you have to change the oil?!?"



i immediately had to show this very thread to my girlfriend. she lol'd. very much.

[cammed goat]

My father just sent this to me in an email...one of the few times in my life I've actually laughed at an email like this.

----------

Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last
oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00
================================================== ========
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for
$50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.
Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and
twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can
to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil
change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag
pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in
back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to cycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along
with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily
dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of
ground and avoid environmental penalties.
Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag
used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain
plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00
But you know the job was done right!

Yup. Ever get hot oil in your eye? Yeah, it burns, but ya get to watch the oil slowly blur your vision in that eye.

na, more like,

For Women:

1. drive until engine seizes.

Dealt with that too. Changed oil on a woman's Dodge Caravan. Had to fight to get the oil filter off, and when I did, it was the ORIGINAL filter with "DEALER INSTALLED" etched on it. Caravan had 30k on the clock. Gotta luv when a motor raps like a mofo after putting in fresh oil...and when the fresh oil is black as night.

[toi tyme]

I wish I had the time to put back a 12 pack while changing the oil.

If I drank the whole time it takes...I may be able to put back 3 or 4.


1. Drive the Wally World.
2. Write check (well....use cash or debit) for $25 for Pennzoil Platinum and Delco filter.
3. Jack up car. Set stand under car.
4. Drain oil (15mm).
5. Change filter.
6. Fill.
7. Takes 15 minutes....with 10 of that letting the oil drain.

thats about how it goes for me

[Smkn_TA]

I wish I had the time to put back a 12 pack while changing the oil.

If I drank the whole time it takes...I may be able to put back 3 or 4.


1. Drive the Wally World.
2. Write check (well....use cash or debit) for $25 for Pennzoil Platinum and Delco filter.
3. Jack up car. Set stand under car.
4. Drain oil (15mm).
5. Change filter.
6. Fill.
7. Takes 15 minutes....with 10 of that letting the oil drain.

You forgot the part of having all your knuckle skin burned off on the oil pan and exhaust as you unscrew the filter because you bought a stupid Delco one instead of a K&N with a nut on it like me.

[Mr. Luos]

You forgot the part of having all your knuckle skin burned off on the oil pan and exhaust as you unscrew the filter because you bought a stupid Delco one instead of a K&N with a nut on it like me.

Negative.

I have a filter cap that works perfect for my $4 Delco filters.