My friends English paper-funny as hell

**fbod91** · 12-03-2009, 03:32 PM

Wrote this in less than an hour, it's rough and not uber solid, but sufficed for my satire english paper.

Global Crisis!

BY GEORGE, THE GLOBE IS WARMING! The polar bears are in danger, and cannot survive on their life-raft sized blocks of ice any more. Twanzania will drown, and the south will be dryer than a mummy’s mouth if we don’t stop this impending doom now! In this guide we will smudge the facts and bring you the latest data from our holy father in climate, Al Gore!

The Gore-Father states, "This is not a political issue. This is a moral issue -- it affects the survival of human civilization". Yes folks, long time politician Albert Gore is on the ball. While the government toils away and politicians debate best how to force those evil energy wasters (I’m looking at you, SUV driving asshat!) into our green agenda, we must prepare how to combat this dire threat by taking drastic measures. The naysayers will try and argue about how things are slightly cooling off, and that the polar bear population is on a “Rebound”. Balderdash! Let

me present something that will easily remove those so-called facts. This innocent polar bear on the left here is stranded on this iceberg. And the Gore-Father will preach to you why, Their habitat is melting… beautiful animals, literally being forced off the planet --They’re in trouble, got nowhere else to go.”

Yes ladies and gentlemen, the Polar Bear population, a species that has thrived in the frozen waters of the Arctic for centuries, has actually lost the ability to swim in the water, FACT! This is the effects of global warming, and this is what inspired me to write this guide to surviving and preventing the perils that is in FACT, global warming.

The first and most important thing to remember is that Humans are at fault. There are no other outside factors. If a right-wing terrorist tells you that sun beams are intensifying, quickly refer to Al Gore’s movie, An Inconvenient Truth. It is required viewing if you wish to understand the truth behind global warming. CO2 is the prime evil. A man-made gas that is the result of our gas guzzling automobiles, coal belching factories, and obsession with carbonated soda. FACT, Carbonated soda is the #1 cause of CO2 emissions in America. But that will be discussed later. As the main cause of global warming, it is we humans that must take action!

Electricity comes from a dark and evil source: Coal. Coal is ancient technology, that’s burned to create heat which by witch-craft creates electricity. Witches are evil, which in turn means coal is evil too. While one cannot rush into a power plant and destroy the witch-craft coal burners, one must take action to lower their dependency on such horrible sources. An average American household consumes 8900 kilowatt-hours of energy every year. Steps that one can take to reduce this number follows as such: Do not wash clothes with machines. Washing and drying machines are hideous consumers of electricity. What was once the duty of a wash board and clothes line has been replaced by the spin cycle and high heat modes. But one cannot use SOAP, a product of the evil corporations as well.

Second sacrifice is air conditioning. This may sound like a death wish in Texas (A republican state anyways, let’em burn!), and counterproductive to stop cooling homes in order to fight the warming air, but hear this out. Air-conditioning does not work by running refrigerant through a set of lines and absorbing heat from the air in a home and venting it outside. That is outright lies from the right-wing conservatives. By using air-conditioning, humans are stealing the cold air from the polar bears, FACT. Air-conditioning actually pipes the cold air from the arctic. Heaters are OK, as they steal hot air from hell.

Third is automobiles. Only the Prius is immune to ruining the environment. It runs on the goodness of our hearts, only using gasoline as a worst-case-scenario back up. Our Gore-Father states that the Prius and electric cars are the future. For those other asshats that drive SUVs, one must take any means necessary to disable these mammoth consumers of gasoline. Gasoline is refined from dinosaur fossils, and the blood of baby seals, FACT. A colleague suggested creating a vehicle based on a documentary he once saw, where the people made cars out of wood and stone, and used their feet for propulsion. This maybe the the final solution to the automobile problem.

Now for the worst enemy of the environment. It comes in an array of flavors, brands, and cans; Carbonated Soda. Call it Climate Enemy #1. Every time a child flicks open a Dr. Pepper he releases 3.72 lbs of compressed CO2 into the air. We cannot have this vile threat. America has become obsessed with the soda, with Coca Cola becoming synonymous with America. This must cease immediately. All cans must be shaken. They say if you shake it like a Polaroid picture, it safely destroys the CO2. While manufacturers will have to change their evil concoctions to please consumers, but so be it.
This is a short guide to surviving and battling the evils of global warming. There will be future revisions to this paper. But, the Polar Bears our counting on it, remember this. And remember, global warming is the fault of humans only, don’t listen to any of the heresy about the earth’s natural climate cycle, the sun’s increasing beams, or any of that nonsense. It is right-wing-terrorist-redneck agenda!

**justinmc978** · 12-03-2009, 03:41 PM

Originally Posted by fbod91

By using air-conditioning, humans are stealing the cold air from the polar bears, FACT. Air-conditioning actually pipes the cold air from the arctic. Heaters are OK, as they steal hot air from hell.

lolled there

**67CamaroRSSS** · 12-03-2009, 05:37 PM

A colleague suggested creating a vehicle based on a documentary he once saw, where the people made cars out of wood and stone, and used their feet for propulsion. This maybe the the final solution to the automobile problem.

YABADABA DO!

**wheeliE-maxx** · 12-03-2009, 05:45 PM

That flintstone car idea seems efficient and reliable for the 5/10 days ole orange doesn't run. I believe the floorboard is the only place I don't have rot holes though.. Kidding. I wrote a sarcastic but factual global warming paper last year. My Obamanite teacher was not pleased despite my complete disproval of man-made global warming.I have a reallygood link for global warming research I'll post

**Spikito** · 12-03-2009, 05:51 PM

subscribed for later

**wheeliE-maxx** · 12-03-2009, 05:55 PM

http://www.middlebury.net/op-ed/global-warming-01.html
I read through this whole thing last year, seems pretty legit. This isn't to say there isn't or hasn't been global warming recently, just not man made.

**Transamws6** · 12-03-2009, 06:05 PM

I've been copyin and pasting a lot of my papers this year, i'm gonna stop though, can't get caught doing that. It's just that i cant stand typing up papers, but i'm def. gonna start doing it.

**wheeliE-maxx** · 12-03-2009, 06:07 PM

We have to do turnitin.com, searches a text database and the e-nets to see if you plagiarized

**Transamws6** · 12-03-2009, 06:27 PM

Originally Posted by wheeliE-maxx

We have to do turnitin.com, searches a text database and the e-nets to see if you plagiarized

Good thing the teachers dont do that here

.

**fieropope** · 12-03-2009, 06:49 PM

cliff notes pleases???

**fbod91** · 12-03-2009, 06:58 PM

Originally Posted by wheeliE-maxx

That flintstone car idea seems efficient and reliable for the 5/10 days ole orange doesn't run. I believe the floorboard is the only place I don't have rot holes though.. Kidding. I wrote a sarcastic but factual global warming paper last year. My Obamanite teacher was not pleased despite my complete disproval of man-made global warming.I have a reallygood link for global warming research I'll post

Funny thing you brought up your truck, my friend is texanidiot on the c10 forum

**wheeliE-maxx** · 12-03-2009, 07:04 PM

Oh yeah, I know that guy from the forum, was wondering if that was him because he lives out there. Seems like he has way better luck with his piece of junk than me

**wheeliE-maxx** · 12-03-2009, 07:08 PM

Man we're going to be feeling that global warming tomorrow huh.. Teens and twenties late tomorrow. The beginning of December on the gulf coast...

**fbod91** · 12-03-2009, 08:28 PM

oh god i know haha no a/c is gonna be awesome tomorrow,ugh my carb is acting up pretty bad. out of nowere it started bogging out when i got past half throttle,

**wheeliE-maxx** · 12-03-2009, 08:34 PM

Having damn ignition problems, random misfires. I'm praying it's my wires (people have said cheap accels are cheap and shit for not "leaking") and not my new super coil and module. Runs great otherwise. Got done installing a new performer manifold and gaskets a couple weeks ago. Old gaskets were rotted as hell and replaced partially with rtv lol, drinking and leaking oil and water, wicking up oil onto the manifold through the bolt holes. Nasty ass rusty/greasy egr q-jet mani too. Now i've got a working theremostat, hotter plugs, a shit ton of timing and 93 octane. It pulls pretty hard. But the random misfire makes me sick, can't stand when she's not running perfect. Rebuilt q-jet is running flawless, not much stank anymore. Was dumping fuel and wet-fouling.

**wheeliE-maxx** · 12-03-2009, 08:38 PM

Oh, and with the rebuild on the carb along with correct heat range plugs (one range too cold before) and new mani. gaskets, it's finally not fouling the plugs, insulators are pure white pretty much. BUT, now i have this stupid ass random misfire on all cylinders. Can be ten minutes or a couple of seconds between the episodes. Gotta test my crap wires with a mist bottle, supposed to look like lightning if they are "leaking" spark.

**JonB** · 12-03-2009, 08:40 PM

Originally Posted by wheeliE-maxx

We have to do turnitin.com, searches a text database and the e-nets to see if you plagiarized

I'm glad I made it threw shcool before all that junk. I hardly ever wrote any of my own papers. The internet was my friend, I did get caught my last year of college on an english paper. Teacher gave me and F of the paper, she could have flunked me for the whole class and had me expeled but she was nice and just gave me an F.

**86 IROC-Z** · 12-03-2009, 09:52 PM

Originally Posted by wheeliE-maxx

We have to do turnitin.com, searches a text database and the e-nets to see if you plagiarized

lol, i hated that shit in high school.

I'm glad fuckin university doesnt pull that bs

i mean, uh, just jaking, A culture of Honesty Earns a Degree of Respect etc etc

**wheeliE-maxx** · 12-03-2009, 10:02 PM

Yeah, working your way through college gives you a sense of achievement, or some hokey shit like that

I'm sure they don't have quite enough time for that shit. They're still grading our papers turned in a month ago because they have to look through the turn it in shit.

**gwballin** · 12-04-2009, 06:40 AM

They are predicting snow in NEW ORLEANS this weekend. This would be the second time in as many years and the only the third time in my life. Global warming my ass…