Jokes thread

[redls1]

I used to stop in here and there and always had some good jokes posted. What ever happened to that?

The view is fantastic, the beer excellent and the food exceptional," said the Scotsman,
peering through the bar window across Sydney harbour, "but I still prefer the pubs back
home. Why in Glasgow, there's a little bar called McTavish's. The landlord there goes out
of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth
drink for you."

"Well," replied the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy
you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nothin'," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now,
the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks
you'd like. Then, when you've had enough drink, they'll take you upstairs and see that you
get laid - ALL on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately derided him for his claims. "Come on," said the
Englishman. "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not myself personally, no," replied the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister."

[024mula]

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk,
sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . .. . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table,the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green
and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.

[theorangeguy]

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk,
sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . .. . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table,the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green
and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.

[67CamaroRSSS]

The Power of Believing in One's Friends

A contestant, Sally, on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the final plateau.
If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money.

And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?

Is it:

A) the condor

B) the buzzard

C) the cuckoo

D) the vulture


The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used up
her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline. All that remained was her
Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. She hoped she would not have to use it because her
friend was, well, not the smartest person you ever met, but as a friend the lady was simply true blue.

There was no alternative for Sally so she called her friend and gave her the question with the four choices.

The friend responded without hesitation, 'that's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.'

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Meredith any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be convinced.

'I need an answer,' said Meredith.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.'

'Is that your final answer?'

'Yes, that is my final answer.'

And Meredith replied, 'That answer is.... Absolutely correct!

You are now a millionaire!'

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
'Joni, I just do not know how to thank you,' said the contestant.
'How did you happen to know the right answer?'

'Oh, come on,' said the friend...
'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.'

Sally fainted...........................

[024mula]

Why Parents Drink........................


A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
"Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman!"

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle: "ME."

[sjgreen6]

1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably pissed.

4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.

6. I don't like making plans for the day....because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,508 days in a row.

8. I decided to change calling the bathroom "the John" and renamed it "the Jim". I feel so much better saying "I went to the Jim this morning".

9. Dear paranoid people, who check behind shower curtains for murderers? If you find one, what's your plan?

10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.

[024mula]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

[Mike99V6]

[67CamaroRSSS]

According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school was recently
faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning
to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine
provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little
lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them; and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally, the principal, Sister Mary, decided that something had to be
done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a
major problem for the custodian, who had to clean the mirrors every night
(you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister
Mary asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was
required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and
cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers...... And then there are educators!

[024mula]

Bob and Bill are standing on the street corner. Bob starts groping around his pockets and finally turns to Bill and asks," do you have a light?"
Bill says " yep" and pulls out the biggest lighter that Bob has ever laid eyes on.
Bob says to Bill, " holy smokes that's the biggest lighter Ive ever seen! Where did you get that?
Bill looks around, leans in closer to Bob and says, "I have a Genie, He grants me just about any wish I ask for".
Bob says to Bill, " A genie? holy smoke! do you think I could get a wish granted?
Bill thinks it over for a second and says , " Well....I suppose so... but you need to speak up hes getting old and kinda deaf." Bill summons the genie, after introductions, Bob says to the genie, "Genie, I wish I had a million bucks!
The Genie looks at Bob and says "Your wish is granted!" Instantly the sky is filled with Ducks, they're everywhere!
In a puff of smoke the Genie disappears before Bob can protest the wish. Bob looks over at Bill and asks "Bill w.t.f.? Ducks? I asked for a million Bucks! Bill says to Bob," I told you to speak up, you don't think I wished for a 12 inch Bic, do you?

[CJREX]

A consulting agency has narrowed down job applicants to 4 remaining candidates.

The interviewer meets with them and says, “This job requires quick thinking and an instant response to the customer. I am going to ask each of you a question to determine your ability to think on your feet.”

To the first remaining applicant, a middle level manager: “What is the fastest thing in the world?”

After a moment’s thought she replied, “A thought. Like you said, we have to think on our feet and a thought is just nearly instantaneous.”

Pleased with this response, he goes to the next candidate, a shop foreman: “What is the fastest thing in the world?”

After a brief reflection he replied, “The blink of an eye. Supervising so many people, anything can happen in an eye blink so you have to be constantly on watch."

Also a good response, he goes to the third candidate, an MIT graduate: “What is the fastest thing in the world?”

Without hesitation he replies, “Why, obviously it is light. It’s the universal speed limit and nothing can surpass the speed of light.”

Thinking that he now had just heard the best answer, he goes to the final candidate, a southern redneck that he is surprised has made it this far: “What is the fastest thing in the world?”

Almost immediately the redneck replied “Diarrhea.”

The interviewer replied, “Diarrhea? How do you figure that?”

The redneck responded, “Well, the other night I ate dinner at the Mexican restaurant. Later that evening lying in bed it suddenly didn’t sit too well. Then before I could think, blink, or turn on the light I had already crapped my pants.”

He got the job.

[024mula]

A man goes over to his friend's garage and sees that his friend's Camaro is now a total-loss wreck -- covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt, and blood.

"Holy shit!" he exclaims to his friend, "what's happened to your car?"

"Well," the friend says, "I ran into a lawyer."

"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"

"Well, I had to chase him all the way through the park."

[sjgreen6]

A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”

[024mula]

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"

[sjgreen6]

63 Years of Math 1957-2020 In America: The evolution in teaching math since the 1950’s

1. Teaching Math in 1950s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math in 1960s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math in 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math in 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math in 1990s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit
of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic
for class participation after answering the question: How did the
birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There
are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok.)

6. Teaching Math in 2000s
If you have special needs or just feel you need assistance because of
race, color, religion, sex, age, childhood memories, criminal background,
then don't answer and the correct answer will be provided for you.
There are no wrong answers.

[024mula]

A blonde rushes into a dry cleaners and throws a sweater onto the counter. She hurriedly says, "I need this washed ASAP!" Startled and confused, the man at the counter says "come again..."
The blonde turns to leave, "no, it's just mustard this time."

[CJREX]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh! Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males , 2 Females," he replied.
"How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[024mula]

One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset.

“You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!”

The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.”

“Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”

So the husband began, “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. The ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments!


Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.”

The husband took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said…”

“Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”

[024mula]

A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there
he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra. The man
asks, "Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?"
The nurse explains, "The hot chocolate will help him sleep." The man says,
"And the Viagra?" "Keeps him from falling out of bed."

[024mula]

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!