If you don't know Jack Schitt ... now you will.....

**syko** · 12-18-2007, 06:07 PM

Sometimes, people are told "You don't know Jack Schitt." This is the story of his life!

Jack was the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt, who had emigrated from Germany to the U.S.A.

At 20 years of age, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, who worked for a toilet cleaning company. The couple set up their own business and called it the Kneedeep N. Schitt pig farm, where they produced fertilizer and manufactured a portable toilet known as the Schitter.

After some time they became very popular in the community and had a river named after them, locally known as Schitt Creek. Some people found themselves up this creek without a paddle, but that is another story!

The Schitts produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

After being married 25 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced, mainly due to his work which involved the collection and delivery of manure. Jack's friends often referred to this as Schitt shovelling.

Noe Schitt later married a Mr. Sherlock, and became Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Deap Schitt, who unfortunately was standing in the cabbage queue when brains were given out, married Dumb Schitt, a nursery school drop out. Having had a hard life, they still managed to produce a family of two sons. They named their first son "Tough". The second son was not blessed with good looks and his friends gave him the nickname "Pig". Tough Schitt and Pig Schitt were heavy drinkers and after a night of excess alcohol they wrecked the air conditioner in the local bar. The reason given for their arrest was always known as “the Schitts hit the fan”

Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt, who later became a test pilot with Boeing.

Bull Schitt, who was able to talk airlines into free tickets, left home to tour the world. Within two years he came back with a new wife named Pisa Schitt, whom he met in an Italian brothel.

It was also rumoured that Bull Schitt had an affair with a Chinese lady who produced a son called "Who Flung Schitt" but this is not proven.

Holie Schitt never married but returned to nature, building a beautiful log cabin in the wilderness. She took a very keen interest in animal welfare and protection, including wild falcons, which were known as “Schitt hawks”.

Unfortunately she died at an early age, leaving her house and estate to a preservation society. The abode was placed in the register as Schitt House.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and finally found love with the twin Happens brothers. Against all advice, the two Schitts married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding was announced in the newspapers as the Schitt-Happens wedding. The wedding party was entertained at the Heap Hotel and was fondly remembered as the Shitt heap reception.

The Schitt-Happens children were named Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse, due to their love of animals. Unfortunately, on an expedition, Dawg Schitt was eaten by a pack of wolves. Byrd Schitt died during an eagle attack, when he lost an eye and part of his brain. A year later, Hoarse Schitt was trampled to death when he visited the Calgary Stampede. As far as can be ascertained, there was also some talk of an elderly uncle called ‘Crocka’ but he was never traced.

So if someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt" now you do!