I took a shit in the woods.

[86 IROC-Z]

A lot of you probably know about my bathroom escapades. If not, here's a recap:

http://www.ls1.com/forums/showthread.php?t=83947
http://www.ls1.com/forums/showthread.php?t=51192

The story continues.

Last week I moved into a new apartment for the fall semester of school this year. It's not bad, you know, good for a cheap apartment, you get what you pay for, etc, etc. However, when first looking around the apartment, and walking into the bathroom, it was pretty much facepalm.jpg. Sitting there infront of me, barely a foot tall, was the toilet... my new toilet... a toilet that would make TSS feel big. My new toilet that I would have to use for the next 12 months. I only wished that it wouldn't be as bad as it seemed.

Well, it took me until the third day to need the miniature throne, but on that third day, it came fast: the wolf was at the door. You know the type, you're minding your own business, looking at some tits online and then WHAM! Your waddling to the bathroom, hands pushing your cheeks together in the hopes that you're new prairie dog pet won't stain your breifs too badly. Anyway, I get to the toilet, and sit down for the first time.

Oh my god.

Now, don't get me wrong, it's not like it's a baby's arm holding an apple, I'm average sized, but the combination of my toilet being snack size and ALSO being of the high water level variety... I had to hold my dick the entire time to not get it wet. You imagine my surprise the first time sitting down. Not to mention the actual hole of the toilet seat was so small in diameter I expected a brown streak along the back edge of the rim when I was finished.

I started the deed. About a third of the way through, I look down and decided this toilet wasn't going to flush with the other two-thirds dropped on top of it, so my tactics changed and I employed the courtesy flush.

I wonder what my new roommates thought, hearing this emanating from the bathroom: "IT'S THE FUCKING COURTESY FLUSH!!! HOW THE FUCK DO YOU BLOCK ON THE COURTESY FLUSH!!! THE WHOLE POINT OF IT IS NOT TO GOD DAMN FUCKING BLOCK!!!!"

After regaining my composure, I thought about my options. I could continue to shit, making the blockage worse and harder to unblock. More time needed unblocking might mean I would be late to calculus class... So, still holding my dick, I stood up, reached behind myself with my free hand and grabbed the plunger. I do my best to unblock it, but the shit wouldn't budge, and as for the remaining two-thirds, well, you can't stop an avalanche. "Fuck it."

I continued my adventure. I now only had 33% left to go. It's coming. Half way out. Almost there. But then I shift my weight on the toilet seat, and the left side hinge breaks loose, whipping the toilet seat, my body, and the halfway-out shit, to the right.

I must have been stunned or something, because it too me a few second to realize what had happened. I ended up with my ass cheeks stradling the toilet rim (not the broken seat... that ended up in the bath...I'm talking the actual gross pissed-on rim). The section of shit that never made it free had parts in the toilet, on the rim, on my ass cheeks, on the floor, and in the bath. Then I noticed that, as I was sliding around, I must have tried to grab onto the toilet roll dispenser for support, because now the dispenser, AND my last roll of toilet paper, had been pulled clean off the wall and was sitting in the shitty blockage water in the toilet. Not to mention my balls had gotten clocked a nice one under me when I landed on the rim.

At that point I just lost it. I became violent, punching holes in the wall, screaming (ironically): "THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT!!!" over and over again, and somehow managing to get shit water all over me, probably from the splashing as I was throwing every thing I could reach into the toilet ("YOU LIKE BEING BLOCKED, HUH ASSHOLE?").

I took my pants and underwear off, both with were now mostly wet, and used the underwear to try and wipe as much shit off my ass as I could. Then, I exited the bathroom. I went to my closet, and after a few minutes of rummaging, I found it: My "In-case-of-emergency" toilet roll.

I walk out into the living room. My three new roommates are staring at me speechless; probably partially because of what they just heard from the bathroom, and partially because I was walking past them, wearing only a shirt and my own feces. And I open the front door.

I walk across the parking lot and into the woods bordering the apartment complex property. I got a few scratches from thorns, but they didn't bother me. The birds were chirping, the bees were buzzing, and I squatted down and for the first time in my life, experienced the way men were supposed to take a shit. The feeling was amazing, the feeling of freedom, the feeling of not having to rely on a plunger for every little pebble you drop. It was just amazing. I suggest every man, if he feels that he is truly a man, will go out and shit outside from now on. Tomorrow I'm going by the office to see if I can get my rent lowered, since I won't be using the toilet anymore.

[Hot Black Trans-Am]

[Blitzed]

bravo

[FreakV6]

ok if this story is true, it is quite possibly the best story ive heard in my entire life. Everyone here at work is now wondering wtf i just spent a solid 5 minutes laughing at.

[Spaz]

epic!!!

[EvilCamaroSS]

omg that is hilarious!

[blackhawk01]

Lmfao!!!!

[JHayesLS1]

This has inspired me to go take a shit outside. I get off at 5. Hopefully my nosey neighbors' kids will stumble upon the fat steamer

[hamburger68]

two remarks:

1. you never shat in the woods before?!?!?!

2. you americans sent people to the moon and can't come up with a bowl design that works for medium to large loads without clogging up? (and yes, i've been there, done that. german loos ftw!)

[310stanger]

so Iroc isnt potty trained? You fail at pewping?hahahaha

[67CamaroRSSS]

two remarks:

1. you never shat in the woods before?!?!?!

2. you americans sent people to the moon and can't come up with a bowl design that works for medium to large loads without clogging up? (and yes, i've been there, done that. german loos ftw!)

It's because of the envirowackos and their low flow toilets (1.6 gal/flush). Not enough to flush piss away let alone a good sized load. It's the main reason I keep the old toilets in my house.

As for me and shitting in the woods? I was the Infantry. I've shit in the woods on 3 continents.

[2000 SS Beast]

that is awesome

[hamburger68]

It's because of the envirowackos and their low flow toilets (1.6 gal/flush). Not enough to flush piss away let alone a good sized load. It's the main reason I keep the old toilets in my house.

As for me and shitting in the woods? I was the Infantry. I've shit in the woods on 3 continents.

a. my toilet uses about 1 - 2 gallons (has a flush-stop button). never clogs, always gets the job done. in denmark they already have vacuum systems in some places. 1.6 liter per flush (actually: per suck).

b. me too, nature shit = army memory

[kickflippin1]

Awesome.

[LS1Powerhouse]

Fucking Epic... OMFG I laughed my ass off...

[INMY01TA]

I took a shit in the parking lot at the Milwaukee Metal Fest like 14 years ago. Beer was exspensive inside and once you go in you can't go back out so just wanted to hang outside with everyone for a while.

[Speedy_Gonzales]

are you Sarges son ?

[1MileCrash]

hahaha

[LS1FirehawkWS6]

Oh my God. That is the funniest poop story ever. My sides hurt from laughing so hard.

[Tnhillbilly]

That was hilarous!