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  1. #1
    I keel you! Blitzed's Avatar
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    Guide to Dangerous American Minorities

    New to America? Visiting as a tourist? American citizen but geographically stunted? Allow me, fair reader, to shed some light on our fine country’s more dangerous minorities, including identifying information and how to avoid losing all of your bodily possessions should you encounter one. We’ve got plenty, but most are easily identified through their wardrobe choices and behavior.



    Ethnicity: Self-described African-American.


    Subtypes: Gang-banger, Ghetto queen.


    Overview: The “African-American” is a true paradox among Americans. Choosing to forego the nomenclature generally ascribed to all Americans (American) they play off their genetically dark skin to curry benefits from our government, excuse their behavior, and generally bilk the feds out of taxpayer money. While the dangerous ones tend to self-segregate, they can be universally recognized by their unending cries for special treatment under the guise of equal rights.
    The gang banger tends to gravitate towards the colors red and blue, primarily based on his gang affiliation, though most can be grouped together for the average tourist.
    Of generally low intelligence, the gang banger is prone to violent overreaction to any perceived slight… or outside stimulus, including “looking at them the wrong way,” “talkin’ shit,” or earning more than they do. They often display paradoxical behavior, frequently “sagging” (or wearing their pants lower than normal as a sign of being tough) despite the fact that the practice originated in prisons as a way to indicate one is the “bitch” of another man in jail.
    The ghetto queen is the gang banger’s fair-weather partner in crime, preferring to stay inside and act as a welfare sponge while neglecting to use a contraceptive by the same name, or any for that matter. They can be identified from normal dark-skinned females by their constant screeches and endless demands for more food. Constant pregnancy makes for heavy appetite stimulation.


    Threat rating: 8/10. More dangerous threats exist, but few of them will seek you out like these.


    Avoidance: Stay away from low-income areas, especially those found in inner cities. Movie theaters seem to be hotbeds of ghetto queen activity, and should be avoided at all costs. Should you encounter one, refrain from commenting on their antisocial activities, as “dissing” them inevitably results in the arrival of their “baby daddies” (should said queen know the identity of any) and gunfire.


    Natural enemies: Law enforcement, other gang bangers, and their moms. Our fine nation currently incarcerates more black males than any other group of our population, and the vast majority of violence against blacks is committed by blacks. Parental control remains loose but some members are rumored to have moms who occasionally reign in immoral behavior.


    Ethnicity: Mexican.


    Subtypes: Gang-banger, Mamacita.


    Overview: Hispanics are the fastest growing minority in America, and while the vast majority integrate well and become productive citizens, plenty of bad apples make it through our porous borders and cause trouble for the good ones.
    The Mexican gang banger shares many characteristics with the African American variety, including uncontrollable rage and a victim complex that manifests as entitlement to anything anyone else has.
    Playing off their connections to the second-world nation they call home, many Mexican gang members make their living peddling low quality drugs imported from their homeland to poor and/or stupid American teens.
    Mamacitas fulfill much the same roll in immigrant culture as Ghetto Queens, serving as baby factories for the more virile members of the illegal population.


    Threat rating: 8.1/10. You’ll be hard pressed to find a more violent and mindless foe than these, though it’s possible.


    Avoidance: Do not venture near southern California or any border states if you can help it. While members of this group can be found all over America, the most violent ones remain near their home and uneducated in the ways of civilized life, choosing instead to stick knives into people and things they don’t understand, like other people, tires, and themselves.


    Natural enemies: Law enforcement, knowledge. Our country remains eternally vigilant for threats from outsiders thanks to our inherent xenophobia, but the cops focus more on blacks than illegal immigrants (much to the chagrin of Texans), leading to more free-roaming gang members from south of the border able to do damage to property and society. Learning tends to turn gang members from their paths of self-righteous enrichment at the expense of others, so most proudly wave the flag of anti-intellectualism and risk exploding heads should they learn anything.


    Ethnicity: Asian


    Subtype ‘Poser’

    Overview: Asians tend to integrate well into American culture, but some members fall in love with the wrong crowd. They will attempt to emulate the Black and Hispanic gang members’ baggy clothing, slang, and attitudes, all the while remaining oblivious to the fact that they are as skinny as broom sticks and equally as threatening.


    Threat level: .05/10. If you should sufficiently irritate one or corner one after he slings an incoherent string of insults at you, there is a slight risk of his fingernail grazing your face.


    Avoidance: Don’t bother. Laugh at them.


    Natural enemies: Lactose, stiff breezes.


    Subtype ‘Women’


    Overview: Extremely dangerous. Asian women are known nationwide as killers on the road, instantly transforming from frail pedestrians to murderous metallic missiles the instant they get behind the wheel due to their inability to differentiate between left and right, and the gas and brake pedals.


    Threat level: 9.5/10. Their danger lies in their ubiquity, as it remains impossible to traverse America without risking a rear-end collision, rapid nonsense speak, or being run down on any street by a driver who mistakes the sidewalk as an empty lane. Your best bet is to have your affairs in order before stepping outside, lest you become a widower without a will at the hands of a speeding Asian female.


    Natural enemy: Newton’s third law of motion. Asian women can only be stopped by objects with sufficient mass to bring their death chariots to a violent and fiery halt.


    Ethnicity: White


    Subtype ‘The Man’

    Overview: Simply speaking, he “runs shit.” The Man is the quintessential modern day overlord of American culture, silently raking in the vast majority of all revenue generated by our economy.
    He speaks with an accent belying his roots in English nobility and makes no attempt to hide the fact that he inherited all of his wealth and is married to his cousin in an effort to “keep it in the family.”
    With his worldview so warped by wealth, The Man views people who can’t afford Land Rovers as destitute subhumans, and in place of a functioning penis wields his massive economic power to subjugate lesser people for his own devices.


    Avoidance: Good fucking luck. He runs shit. Most of our past presidents have been of this genus. Stay out of the country if you have to.


    Threat level: 9.6/10. Do not cross a Man, as their egos are as fragile as the Fabrige Eggs they so proudly display in their homes. Making a mockery of one is especially dangerous, as in a country in which cash is king, your life is cheap, and nobody will miss a misguided tourist who “had a run-in with some unsavory characters.”


    Natural enemy: The one, the only, The Gold Digger. Susceptible only to the feminine wiles of beautiful women, the man is almost a super predator in our society.


    Subtype ‘Gold Digger’

    Overview: Gold Diggers are easily recognized from their more innocuous female counterparts by their bottle-blonde hair, three-inch high heels, fake breasts (likely paid for by their ex-husband/boyfriend/sucker), and tendency to end every sentence, even statements, as if they were a question.
    Highly skilled in the arts of persuasion, deception, and passive aggression, Gold Diggers are an integral part of the American debt-driven economy, emptying wallets that might have otherwise seen their contents saved.


    Threat level: 10/10, but only in certain situations.
    Gold diggers are ‘The Man’s’ only natural predator, preying on his materialism and desire to impress others with his conquests. Unless you make it obvious that you are a man of great wealth, most will not even acknowledge the presence of what they view as lesser males, a great boon to the man with more on his mind than collecting a few new sexually transmitted diseases.


    Avoidance: If approached by a Gold Digger, immediately speak a sentence containing polysyllabic words. They are easily intimidated by intelligence and will readily seek easier game should they realize themselves intellectually outclassed.


    Natural enemy: Reality. Though they present an apparently impenetrable barrier of denial, enough knowledge bombs can occasionally shake the foundation of even the dumbest Gold Diggers, though this observer suggests avoidance at all costs. Even the most soundly reasoned arguments will be forgotten amidst a flurry of words involving designer brands, pop culture, and their insane opinions on all things clothing.

  2. #2
    Senior Member ss~zoso~ss's Avatar
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    only read the first one, so much truth in this long post

  3. #3
    Detailing + Design third_shift|studios's Avatar
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    Ben Stiller movie.

    when i first read the title, i thought it said "guide to dangerous american muscle" and was pumped

  4. #4
    back 'n better than ever Kjz99z28's Avatar
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    That was awesome.

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