to go or not to go that's the ???

[gonzo99ta]

So here's the situation:
Wife's father has terminal cancer. He wasn't expected to make it through an emergency surgury he had just before christmas, so we hurried to get the family out there (we live in Ca, her family is in PA) so the kids and wife could spend some time with him. He pulled through and we were there for over 2 weeks. Kids and i flew home, since the kids had to get back to school. Wife stayed behind to help out. She finally gets back to Ca about middle of Jan. Of course a week after she gets back her work fires her, downsized according to them, although she knows it was because she took the time off.

so fast forward to 2 weeks ago and her father is getting worse. since wife still is not working, she decides to fly back and help care for him. So now he is about ready for hospice care (they give him weeks). wife wants me and kids to come out again to see him before he passes. Which would be fine if it weren't for the fact that with her out of work and savings getting low it's not really financially feasible without going into debt. Then of course i know she would want us to come back again for the funeral, which would be more debt.

Between flying back several times for health issues with my parents, with the most recent having us assume my father's bills for months after he had a stroke and could not work. we have spent over $30k traveling and paying for differant things for them over the past 18 mos.

where does one stop? For me it is now since all prior times we had the cash and both were working so it was not an issue. This time would cause debt that could put us over, especially since she is out of work.

I know she was mad at me when i mentioned the money to her at a time like this, but she is already there and she is the one that needs to be there in my eyes, not the rest of us. Especially when i know i'll definitly need to go out again when he passes to help her deal with it and attend the funeral.

So the question is am i an a$$ for not going out again now?

[fluke]

If you can't afford it, you can't afford it. Not much you could do in that case. Your wife will be with others in the family to help comfort her and they will mourn together. She should understand that taking everyone over there and not working for that time (which could even be longer if, not to sound rude, he takes longer than a few weeks.. you just don't know the time frame in reality) would put the family in financial trouble which would be bad for her and most importantly your kids. You're not an ass for thinking that way. Especially if you weren't personally close to him anyway.

How old are the children? If they are pretty young it might be a bit traumatic. Maybe best their last memories of their grandfather aren't that of seeing him on his death bed, miserable and in pain.

Best of luck to you and your family.

[redls1]

I wouldnt go since you just saw him not to long ago. Do you want the kids to see him in bad shape? Wait till he passes then go pay your respects. Just my opinion.

[gonzo99ta]

Kids are 13 and 10. Yeah, the trauma to the kids crossed my mind too.

No i'm not particularly close to him. Other than the hurt that losing him will cause my wife, would not effect me one bit. This is the same man that offered my wife a new car if she didn't marry me 15 years ago. Her parents have been ok to our kids, but i'm sure they could care less for me. I won't send the kids without me though because that would just be more for my wife to take care of.

[ZAPFOOL!!]

Sit back and pray about it ...if it is what you need to do the lord will let you know and will provide....if this is not the type of person you are then ignore me but I think you catch my drift

[Speedy_Gonzales]

sacricfice and be there for you wife if there is anyway possible

[NSSTG8TR98]

sacricfice and be there for you wife if there is anyway possible

I have to agree with this. It may hurt your pocket now, but this is one of those things you'll never have a chance to fix. Be there for her, do this for her, cause you'll look back and hate yourself later on if you don't.

[gonzo99ta]

I'm there for her by phone, we talk several times a day.

I have to step back and look at the bigger picture. With her out of work my pay just barely covers the bills and modest day to day expenses. So even a small incurred debt could quickly lead to a downward spiral. So while i want to be there for her i need to think of everyones future. She has her hands full now and can't see that. It is those emotional expenditures that can get us in the most trouble.

She is still looking for some kind of acceptance from her parents. They have only come to visit her 2 times in the 16 years since she moved away with me. They had money and time, but they would choose to go on gambling trips instead. She asked them to come out and help with the kids 2 years ago when i was TDY for 2 months and the wife was working 60+ hrs a week. They stayed just over 2 weeks before leaving with some lame excuse of having to help out my brother in laws wife who was pregnant at the time. that was the 2nd time they visited in 16yrs. They did not even come out to see her when she was rushed into surgury while pregnant to deliver our 1st son more than 5 weeks premature. They didn't see their grandson until we visited them.
So, no i'm not willing to go into debt so my wife can try to please them. Even though i would like to physically be there for my wife.

[Speedy_Gonzales]

I'm there for her by phone, we talk several times a day.

I have to step back and look at the bigger picture. With her out of work my pay just barely covers the bills and modest day to day expenses. So even a small incurred debt could quickly lead to a downward spiral. So while i want to be there for her i need to think of everyones future. She has her hands full now and can't see that. It is those emotional expenditures that can get us in the most trouble.

She is still looking for some kind of acceptance from her parents. They have only come to visit her 2 times in the 16 years since she moved away with me. They had money and time, but they would choose to go on gambling trips instead. She asked them to come out and help with the kids 2 years ago when i was TDY for 2 months and the wife was working 60+ hrs a week. They stayed just over 2 weeks before leaving with some lame excuse of having to help out my brother in laws wife who was pregnant at the time. that was the 2nd time they visited in 16yrs. They did not even come out to see her when she was rushed into surgury while pregnant to deliver our 1st son more than 5 weeks premature. They didn't see their grandson until we visited them.
So, no i'm not willing to go into debt so my wife can try to please them. Even though i would like to physically be there for my wife.

well sounds like you are doing whats best for your family

[0rion]

I guess I have a different take on it. Money is money. Life is life and your wife is about to lose her father. Money comes and goes...family just goes. You have another chance to make money, your wife doesn't have another chance for a father and your children are losing their grandpa. That trumps money every single time in my book.
Little story.
A buddy and me took his deer to some Amish people here to have them butcher it. We pull into the drive and go back to the barn. We go in and there's the whole damn family sitting around this big ass table butchering deer. They were laughing and talking and generally having a good time.....butchering deer.
After we leave my buddy says " They don't have electricity, cars, or much money yet they were all happy. Reckon they know something we don't?"

More to life than money.

[gonzo99ta]

Agreed definitly more to life than money... although i've gotten used to having a roof over my head.

if he hangs on for a few more weeks, then gets a little worse do i need to go again? Do i just forget everything here and go sit by her side until he goes, however long it takes...

so, where do you draw the line?

[Eugenio_SS]

i have to agree that although the inlwas haven't been there for your family, you have showed that you are (last trip).
I'd only go if he would pass away, and continue supporting your wife emotionally, since you can't be physically there.
No point bringing the whole family to get in debt... I agree it's the time to draw the line.
If money was not an issue, the story would be different, though.

[Smkn_TA]

I say you have done more than you are required. For sure the other family relatives realize the kind of troubles it is to fly fucking 2500 miles. Honestly, you've gone above and beyond, he is probably so out of it now he would not even realize who you or your kids were anyways. Waste of money. Just show up for the funeral(not the wake) and be done with it. Oh, and tell your wife to get her ass home or she might come home to an empty house.

[tnthub]

Stuff like this always sucks. Your wife has only one Dad and regardless of anything else in the world, she will always be his little girl. It does not matter what your relationship is with him. Your wife's heart is your primary responsibility and you agreed to that when you married her.

The money situation is rough. I have been in those shoes before. All I can say about it is that money is a renewable resource and life is not (no offense to any "believers").

I do agree with your basic assessment, but it sounds like your wife needs you to physically be there more than she needs you on the phone.

At ages 10 and 13 your kids, (at least on paper), are old enough to be more helpful than a worry, and perhaps their distraction may actually be good for your wife if they did go ahead while you being home the bacon.

End of life care is never easy. My Dad was given "weeks" at least three months prior to his passing.

Do not think about this in terms of your father in law or your lack of closeness to him. Think about it in terms of your wife's emotional state. In the end her Dad will be gone but her feelings and pain will still be with her.

If you are in a situation where you had been "getting ahead" financially, saving a bit (although probably not as much as you wish), but getting ahead none the less, then take the time and be with her and you will recover from it financially.

It may suck but she is your wife and your children are likely going through this for the very first time and will require all the guidance you can give them.

[1st TA]

Keep a roof over your head. To many people loosing the homes and their jobs now a days. Look after your family, ( wife and kids) thats the most important thing. If your wifes father knew of the money problems and truley cared about his doughter I really can't see him wanting her to put her familys finances at risk. Good luck and hang in there.

[gonzo99ta]

i pretty much made up my mind not to go out right now. We would have been leaving this weekend because the kids would be off for spring break next week.

Wife is holding up as well as can be expected in this situation. when he does pass away i will take the kids out for the funeral though. I could use the tax stimulus money to offset that trip.

She dislikes the fact that i'm so concerned with the financial bottom line, but does appreciate it when it comes to times like this and she is able to be out of work for a few months to spend time with him.

When she is working she makes more than me, however i will never let our monthly expenses go beyond what my salary can handle. it has worked for the past 15 yrs this way.
It just really sucks that in only an 18 mo time period both our parents health has gone way downhill.

I'm still tyring to convince my father that he can no longer afford live on his own since his stroke last year. He is stubborn enough that he is going to wait until the bank takes the house away from him. Last year, when i had money, i offered to buy his house off him and then build a small garage/apartment unit to the rear of the property for him to live for free. i would then rent out the main house to offset the mortgage until i moved into it when i moved back in three years. his response was renters would tear up the house. so he would rather let the bank take it and be on the street.

I hope i go quick and don't become a burden to my own kids!

[Smkn_TA]

Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse. Modern day medicine really strings people along in their final moments.

[00 formula]

Oh, and tell your wife to get her ass home or she might come home to an empty house.

You're an idiot and most likely will be married several times

Back to topic...

The financial aspect sucks and you are doing what's logically right but women aren't generally that logical.

I saw my wife deal with something similar when her grandmother was in Hospice, the hospice part was harder then the passing it self. This has nothing to do with your relationship with him but more so with her.

These types of situations can be major turning points in relationships and only you know her well enough to know how she will respond to this in the future (long term). She may or may not appreciate how logical you were when it came to something this tragic.

[FasstChevys]

I would go out there to be with her, she needs you and the kids there................also, don't forget,(maybe I'm wrong) the airlines usually give better rates for bereavement flights........at least I think they used to. It's worth checking in to.

[SiggyZ]

Sorry, you need to be there for your wife.