Gay roommate

**shadegray** · 03-21-2006, 11:47 PM

I don't know if this is going to get me flamed, mocked, insulted or something. But I think my roommate is gay. My neighbors suspect the same thing. It's not just that he's effeminate. He's got basically no guy friends. He only hangs out with girls, and has no interest in any of them, despite goading and encouragement. He does not flirt with or hit on women. It's been at least a year confirmed that he has not been with a girl in any sort of romantic or sexual way. Not just sex, but not a kiss, not a date, nothing. I have heard him at night, hanging out with one of his chick friends, talking about some guy he met up with late at night at Denny's, and discussing hot guys in movies. I remember being at a toga party a couple weeks ago, this girl had her birthday that night, and was going around asking everybody for kisses on the cheek. He'd been standing in a corner by himself, not talking to anybody including that girl, and turned to me and said "first kiss all year", and tried to play it off like it was something... I think he's hiding it because at the beginning of the year, I've been making jokes and all about homos and he's afraid to come out with it. I wasn't really serious, but the idea of it still makes me uncomfortable. I think it would've only been right to tell me before we'd moved in. I want to do something, but I don't know what. I can't move out yet.

**BillyT** · 03-22-2006, 12:15 AM

Well he certainly sounds like he may be gay or bi or curious or something, and if that really bugs you too much then you probably should move out.

But if you're stuck there, it may help to try and not bash gays around him and maybe even hint to him that you're ok with it or even insinuate you're wondering about him. Maybe even gently confront him about it. It's possible it may make you both feel better if it's out on the table rather than all this suspicion and wondering. I mean, you could also be dead wrong.

If he is gay, part of the reason he wouldn't have told you previously is because of the way society treats gays which is very negatively so alleviating that negativity a bit may actually help.

But, like I said, leases are always breakable and if he really bugs you then just move out.

As tolerant and gay friendly as I am, I still wouldn't really want to live with one.

**CaptainCaveMan** · 03-22-2006, 12:16 AM

Why do you care what he does or doesn't do in his bedroom? Grow up and worry about your own sex life and not his.

BIGRED Z · 03-22-2006, 12:26 AM

Originally Posted by shadegray

but the idea of it still makes me uncomfortable. I think it would've only been right to tell me before we'd moved in. I want to do something, but I don't know what. I can't move out yet.

If I found out he'd murdered his ex room mate, I'd be uncomfortable. But just being gay...I don't see how that affects you. It's his business.

Now if you wanted to know and actually be a friend to him, then Billy had the right idea of gently confronting him. But it sounds like the only reason you want to know is to make yourself feel justified in moving out just because he might be gay.

As far as this disclosure you seem to think you're entitled too...do you announce your heterosexuality to prospective room mates, employers, friends, banking institutions etc?

Focus on the stuff that really matters. Like rent, cleanliness, doesn't eat all your food, doesn't smell, doesn't steal your shit or do illegal drugs with all his junkie friends. (Besides, if he is gay, have him decorate the place up a bit...sorry feeding the stereotype.)

Lori

**shadegray** · 03-22-2006, 12:27 AM

Because it does affect me personally when he's 20 feet away from me most of the day. It's a major living situation. Like Billy, even though I'm got nothing against gays personally, I still wouldn't have wanted to live with one. I also wouldn't want to live with a girl I wasn't attracted or in a relationship with, even though I've got nothing against women. I've got nothing against a girl just because I'm not attracted or in a relationship with her. I just wouldn't have chosen to live with her. It's a conflict of living conditions and interests, and makes things awkward.

BIGRED Z · 03-22-2006, 12:31 AM

Originally Posted by shadegray

Because it does affect me personally when he's 20 feet away from me most of the day. It's a major living situation. Like Billy, even though I'm got nothing against gays personally, I still wouldn't have wanted to live with one. I also wouldn't want to live with a girl I wasn't attracted or in a relationship with, even though I've got nothing against women. I've got nothing against a girl just because I'm not attracted or in a relationship with her. I just wouldn't have chosen to live with her. It's a conflict of living conditions and interests, and makes things awkward.

I would only agree if he was trying to put it in your butt on a daily basis. Untill he confesses his undying love for you, don't sweat the small stuff. If it makes you uncomfortable that he might be gay, that's really your problem. You need to honor the lease and then move on if you choose, but to back out due to your homophobia is not cool.

Lori

**shadegray** · 03-22-2006, 12:50 AM

Maybe, but I can't control feeling uncomfortable any more than he can control feeling attraction to guys...
Girls seem to find male homosexuality to be a much smaller issue, a detail, in general, maybe for the same reason a man rarely sees female homosexuality as a major issue. Lori, I don't want to be pc and all, so I hope you think of this honestly : if you were in college and a 300lb fat, old, balding man you found hideously unattractive asked you to live with him, would you honestly have said yes? And you weren't even friends with him beforehand? Living with someone who has similar living habits as you is important in a good roommate. It's a large part of what we look for when we look for someone we think is tolerable to live with. You might look for somebody who also likes the same sports as you, the same kind of friends, or same kind of music and these other things that can truly be considered details of your lives. Sex and relationships are undeniably a major part of our lives. It's why campus won't let a guy and girl live together, or even on the same dorm floors for the 1st couple years. I hope you understand where I'm coming from on this...

BIGRED Z · 03-22-2006, 01:05 AM

Yeah, that makes sense, I see where you're coming from. I was assuming you had been friends with this person and agreed to live as roomies based on that friendship only to turn your back once you suspected he was gay.

I can't think of many circumstances that I would consider living with a large bald guy, but if I made that decision to begin with, I would honor my obligation to the lease.

It sounds like you kind of rushed into this living arrangement without knowing all the facts, or even knowing your oommate all that well. I hope the cost of that mistake will not be too great.

Your best bet would be to come clean about your suspisions, explain your feelings and see if you could find someone to take your place as a leaseholder. If you're unable, you're legally bound according to the terms of that lease unless there happens to be a failure to disclose sexual orientation clause in there.

Good luck though.

BIGRED Z · 03-22-2006, 01:07 AM

Are you even on a lease or is this a dorm room situation? If you're in a dorm, can't you just request reassignment?

**Nastyfoot** · 03-22-2006, 02:00 AM

I had a similar situation. I found out for sure one morning when I woke up and he had left his bedroom door open. Right there in plain sight were four feet hanging off the end of a single bed.

Needless to say I asked him to leave because I wasn't comfortable having him sleep with another guy. And we had a couch too so.....Being gay is one thing, but knowing he is nuts to butts with some guy is another

BIGRED Z · 03-22-2006, 02:27 AM

Originally Posted by Nastyfoot

I had a similar situation. I found out for sure one morning when I woke up and he had left his bedroom door open. Right there in plain sight were four feet hanging off the end of a single bed.

Needless to say I asked him to leave because I wasn't comfortable having him sleep with another guy. And we had a couch too so.....Being gay is one thing, but knowing he is nuts to butts with some guy is another

WOW! He left the door wide open? He was hoping to make it 6 feet hanging off that bed....

**Nastyfoot** · 03-22-2006, 02:52 AM

Originally Posted by BIGRED Z

WOW! He left the door wide open? He was hoping to make it 6 feet hanging off that bed....

Oh GOD no! I think they had a few too many "cock"tails though

**Honboy1** · 03-22-2006, 04:32 AM

Originally Posted by CaptainCaveMan

Why do you care what he does or doesn't do in his bedroom? Grow up and worry about your own sex life and not his.

I don't know about you, but thinking that my male roommate may be looking at my ass would make me feel uncomfortable.

**TMF** · 03-22-2006, 04:57 AM

Back when I was in my 20's I was a homophob, but as I got older I became more tolerant. Now I have some gay friends and once they realize your not a threat, but a friend, I find them to be straight up and honest people. And thier alot of fun to hang out with, and they don't hit on your wife!

**98MustGT** · 03-22-2006, 05:35 AM

There are people that have NO sexual drive at all, maybe he is one?

**CaptainCaveMan** · 03-22-2006, 05:42 AM

Originally Posted by Honboy1

I don't know about you, but thinking that my male roommate may be looking at my ass would make me feel uncomfortable.

I don't mean to scare you but if your ass looks as good as you must think it does than everytime you go to the store/park/work gay guys are looking at it.

Now are you going to stop going outside? Of course you're not going to stop. A normal person should not feel the need to change their living situation because someone else might think you are attractive. His roommate isn't even hitting on him. It's not like he is running around pinching his ass or doing cat calls when he walks by or hell even watching gay porn in the living room. From what we are being told the guy just kind of "hangs out" and doesn't do anything.

**ss~zoso~ss** · 03-22-2006, 08:22 AM

nighty night, keep your butthole tight!

~Dave Chappelle

**tornado** · 03-22-2006, 08:23 AM

Fix up some sort of double date or at least ask him if he wants to go on one,Might be better than just asking,might get a better idea. I dunno. If he isnt making any sexual advances to you,then let it be. If you have gotten along so far then what does it really matter if he is or not,its life get over it.

**Bigrus** · 03-22-2006, 08:30 AM

I could not live with a gay. So i can see your point...however my friend did not get laid in three years, come to find out he had a real anxiety issue when it came to women so he could never get a second date due to him being a total mess when she tried to get close to him. I thought he was gay and told him be upfront about it, he told me his whole issue and it just took alot of setting him up, and explainging to the girl he was not trying to ignore her he just has little game and finally he is able to go out and find his own.

**FuxOnTheFirstDate** · 03-22-2006, 08:54 AM

[QUOTE=shadegray] It's been at least a year confirmed that he has not been with a girl in any sort of romantic or sexual way. Not just sex, but not a kiss, not a date, nothing. QUOTE]

That is me, going on 4 years. I hope people don't think I'm gay.

I just have confidence issues with women because I'm afraid they'll make fun of my size like they have in the past. I'm working on that though, slowly but surely. I have found that pocket pussy is nice though, lol.

EDIT: Back on topic, I wouldn't worry about it unless the guy tries to hit on you or flaunt his gayness around you, basically pushing it in your face. Other than that, let it go unless you are an extreme homophobe like I used to be. Now I could care less if someone is gay or not as long as they don't flaunt it around me.