damn im frustrated!!

[ninobrn99]

Everytime I think about my daughter I get so damn upset! Her step-dad has made things so damn difficult! Check this shit out: I got my daughter a cell phone. she's about to be 7 btw. well i got her this phone because i could either never get through to her calling her mom's phone or they just had them cut off. makes sense for me to have a direct communication with my daughter right? according to her stepdad, mom, and church...im wrong..she's too little to have a phone So now if i want to talk to her, i have to call his cell cause he made my baby's momma change her phone number and they wont give it to us. We created an email for her, yet he uses his instead, he told me anything i needed to talk to his wife about I could clear with him.. Im so pissed by this fucking clown! This dude has taken me out of direct communication with her mother. Last i checked i dont have to clear shit with him..he aint in my court order! sorry, but i had to rant ya'll.

[BIGRED Z]

Hmmm, sounds rough. I don't envy your position. Plus it sounds like your ex-wife has allowed this to happen, ie she's letting him take control. At first I was wondering why a 7 year old would need a cell phone, but your reason behind it makes sense. But if she can't use it, cancel it. Don't make it easy for the step dad to have a cell on your dime.

Have you tried talking to him? I know it's hard sometimes, but maybe he might prove to be more level headed than your ex. Not sure, I don't know details and all, nor is it my business. Just trying to offer a suggestion.

Have you called your lawyer? Maybe they can provide some guidance on whether or not the wife needs to be the one you're communicating with.

Lori

[ninobrn99]

yeah, ive tried talking to him, but no luck in doing that. the cell was prepaid. he has his own that i have to call...oh and i was given certain hours that i can call..2 of those im working most of the time.. so i have a 3 hour time frame that i can talk to her, provided they answer. her mother has let him do it, but i think its more that she's subdueing to him. i feel he wants to take contol of it and i dont know why, but i feel something is wrong at their house :lurk:

[BIGRED Z]

See what the lawyer has to say. I feel for you though. My parents divorced when I was 5. I watched my Mom make things as bad as she could for my Dad till the day I moved out. I don't understand why women do this. It seems like they either totally relenquish any control to the new husband or do nothing but make life hell for the the ex-husband. Revenge is one thing, but you have to be able to see past your own pain to do what's right for the kids.

My mom used us as leverage in a constant tug-o-war. The one saving grace, we knew once we grew up that Mom was completely in the wrong. Too bad it takes until teen years or adulthood for the kids to realize it. All through the years, if we ever bad mouthed mom in front of Dad, he would still say "That's your mother, you need to respect that." It had to kill him to say that, after all the shit she pulled, but he put his kids discipline in front of his own resentment.

If nothing else, take the high road, and swallow the pain and resentment and focus only on what's best for your daughter. But call that attorney, see what they say about it.

Lori

[ninobrn99]

and see, that just it. i dont want to put her through that, but if her mom is gonna be that way and move out of the way, then there is no choice but for me to do what i wanna do. What makes things worse is that my daughter has her brothers and sister there too. i really really dont wanna take her away from them, but i may not have a choice.. i mean i could just give up and move on, but thats the easy route. my girl deserves better than that! Ive gotta get all my "ducks in a row" before i get a lawyer involved. I just wish this dude wasnt making it this difficult.

[tnthub]

I guess that I am going to be the unpopular person who simply thinks that seven years old is just too young to have a phone of any type. Also, what do you mean... "created an email for her"????? A seven year old should not have their own email account.

[ninobrn99]

so you suggest it would be best for me to have no communication with my daughter than to provide one? To bring you up to speed, Im also in the military and im currently deployed...its not like i could just pick up the phone and call her for obvious reasons. So do I also go 5-6 months without any form of contact? I guess I could write a letter, but i wouldnt want her to wait 3-4 weeks to get it, then me another 3-4 to get a reply supposing she responds right away.

[Bigrus]

Dude you really need to watch out. Guys like him who try to control a situation like that end up really fucking with the stepkids out of pure hate for you. If your ex is already letting him cut you out, then she is trying to make him the only father figure for your little girl.

I would see a lawyer, and get this guy out of your business. If you are not able to contact her what is he trying to hide?

[Bigrus]

I guess that I am going to be the unpopular person who simply thinks that seven years old is just too young to have a phone of any type. Also, what do you mean... "created an email for her"????? A seven year old should not have their own email account.

Geeze so how does he contact his kid? pidgeon? most 7 year old kids today could probably work a computer better than you. I think it is nice for her to have a cell phone incase mommy or stepdad try to pull some shit and she has no way to contact dad and tell him whats up.

[JWBZ SVT]

I'm not familiar with how prepaid cell phones work, but I would think that the phone would have to be activated right? Wouldn't a phone service company have to activate the phone? Wouldn't that be in your name and on your dollar? Why would the company allow the number change without first going through you?

I don't have any kids, so I can't offer anything by way of experience, but putting aside the issue of if your daughter is too young or too old to have a phone or email address, IMO the step dad is overstepping his boundaries unless you cause trouble (not suggesting that you do). I would at least talk to a lawyer who specializes in family law and see if there is something that can be done about this. And, I wouldn't get into any heated exchanges with the step dad or ex wife for now--bite your tongue if you have to. I wouldn't want somebody putting BS rules like that on me either. That seems to be the central problem not whether your daughter is old enough to have a cell phone or email account. Hope the best for you!

J

[ninobrn99]

thanks everyone. as i mentioned earlier, im getting my ducks in a row and i have bit my tounge. it just sucks that my daughter has to go through this. i havent ever stirred any waves with them. he's the one causing the issues..well i guess so is her mom since shes letting him.

[BillyT]

Wow, you guys had your daughter when you were 16 years old? Damn!
Sorry about your troubles.
That sure is a heck of a lot of grief to be dealing with at age 23.
Good luck!

[ninobrn99]

hey, i was young and i pulled alot of ass it is a headache, but my girl is worth it!!

[tnthub]

Geeze so how does he contact his kid? pidgeon? most 7 year old kids today could probably work a computer better than you. I think it is nice for her to have a cell phone incase mommy or stepdad try to pull some shit and she has no way to contact dad and tell him whats up.

What I am saying is that whether you like it or not this other jerk is in your daughters life, apparently for good, regardless of what you do or don't do. You and your ex made a kid and your responsibbility is ultimately to do whatever is best for your daughter.

Typically, from your perspective, that means that you are her Dad and the other guy is an available make role model (hopefully a good one). From the jerk's perspective, he is wanting to become her Dad and you become a monthly check.

This adversarial relationship (yes it is a relationship), between you and the jerk will only hurt your daughter in the long run.

Good parenting, regardless of whether or not there are other unwanted people involved, means getting away from your ego and simply doing whatever is best for your child.

The facts of life are that this other person will most likely end up having significant influence over your daughter. You probably don't like it but that is what is going to happen regardless of what you do.

What you need to have happen is to establish a working relationship with this guy no matter how much it hursts becaseu at your daughters young age she will be highly influenced by the jerks opinion of you. He is with her on an ongoing basis and you are not. No matter how much you disagree with his perception or his controlling demeanor, and no matter how much it pisses you off or how wrong you think he is, you ultimate goal needs to be that you remain a steady and positive influence in your daughters life. Do not let this jerk distract you from that goal.

I have had step daughters and they had a "real" Dad. I made every effort to support his involvement with their lives. If I had a problem with something I would call him up and say to him that we need to talk, arrange a time to do it, and we would work it out so the kids never saw us disagree. Your daughter is a little girl and she deserves you, and all the others in her life to understand that she is a kid, and not let your personal wishes overshadow your mutual goals of having her grow up in a consistent family, regardless of the relationships involved.

My stepkids Dad sent a big check every month to his ex wife for child support. His ex-wife squandered that money on whatever she wanted and very little of it went to the kids. She would send them to see their Dad with no gloves or hats in the winter. She would sed them without bathing suits when they went to the beach with him. In essence, she did everything she could to retain "control" of her daughters and ended up really hurting them becasue she failed to understand that kids need consistent and supportive parenting and kids do not care who has a "right" to do what, they just want to be loved.

I'm not trying to be a jerk, just relating my experience with my stepdaughters back when they were 4 and 8 years old.

And in regards to my computer knowledge..... Please do not question it. I have been building information systems for almost twenty years and personally created the Network Plus certification for CompTIA back in 1996.

[ninobrn99]

your prospective on the issue in a way makes sense, but if it were as easy as talking things through with him i wouldnt have posted It obviously isnt that simple. This is still a matter between my daughter and I. It does not call for his concern or discern for that matter. He has no legal rights or bond to my daughter..just to his childeren and my daughters mother. Im not saying that sending money is gonna make things better. i know it isnt and i dont do that. I make every effort to be involved with my daughter as i can. Being in two different states doesnt help either. How can u justify her mother allowing her husband to have the say so over her and I? It cant be. Her mother is now " hiding behind her husband and does not voice her opinion? why is it that I should have his phone number to contact my daughter and to contact his wife when she has a phone of her own, but either she doesnt want to give it to me or he doesnt want her to. Im sorry, but i cant agree with your point of view. To me its ridiculous and absurd to give into this controling shit. What is he going to do? Not allow me to see her? hmm.. that would be considered custodial and visitation interferance and in texas im almost certain its a felony( correction, its only a felony if they take her out of state) it is still a crime... whether it be him or her.

[tnthub]

The court system may be your best course of action. I know it sucks and time marches quickly when a child is growing up but it may be the only realistic recourse for you. As a stepdad I was told many many times that i had no legal right in regards to my stepdaughters. I was also told that since I was around them most of the time I needed to act like a real parent and take some responsibility. When I toom responsibility I was told I had no right to do anything and when I didn't take responsibility I was told I needed to grow up and act like a parent. It was a very frustrating no win situation. These situations are never easy to resolve but it is the responsibility of all the adults to resolve them as quickly as possible to minimize the damage to your daughter. They guy sounds like he doesn't know how to behave. Perhaps a judge can help him with his problem?

[ninobrn99]

I hope a judge can. I do hope to take this to court, but what good is it if i go in "blind"? I need events, times, recurrences..all that sort. I bet it did sucks being told one thing, then when u did it you were wrong.. Most of the time your not going to please everyone. You just have to decide who your gonna piss off There are also times the confrontation is unavoidable as in this occurence. I didnt want to have to go all out and take it to court and prolong the grief, but if i must, i must.

[Sassy Cassie]

I don't really have any advice for you but wanted to say that I think its great that communication with your daugther is such a priority to you. Keep fighting the good fight.

[ninobrn99]

thanks cass

[Sassy Cassie]

Since you're deployed now, I'm sure she'd be tickled to get a letter from you.