Awesome, another bill

[Detroit Power]

My wife graduated with a BS this past spring and we got word of how much she owes in loans. About 60k. I got a notice in the mail that one was over-due a week or two ago so I wrote a check for $1,700. Now she gets another in the mail saying she owes $2,400. This is in addition to the 60k. FML.

I have been on an accompanied work assignment for over a year now. The extra per diem money was too good to pass up, along with the work experience. With that extra money we are able to live a very comfortable lifestyle, and when the $700/month student loan pmt comes due in November we'll be able to cover it.

We have 2 kids, ages 17 mos and 4-1/2 years. Here in VA the oldest is in private school and the youngest is cared for by my wife. The agreement was she would get to stay home to raise the kids w/out having to work as long as we were "on the road". Once we went back home and didn't get the per diem anymore, she would go back to work at least part time, telecommuting if possible. Our youngest would be turning 3 around that time so we would be okay with her going into child care. All my wife's income would need to cover is her loan payment and child care. Anything else would be gravy for her. I'd continue to cover the mortgage, future car payments, groceries, utilities, 401k, savings, etc. at least until she started working full time, when she would chip in more.

Anyway, for whatever reason she decided she wants another child. I do not want another kid. It means even less "me" time, more time for the wife to be NOT working and NOT using her degree (legal field), and the stress of being up all-hours of the night, need to buy a bigger house w/ an addtl bedroom, bigger vehicles, etc. All of this costs money that I don't think she fully realizes since I've always covered 90% to 100% of our bills.

She is so dead-set for having a kid she says she'll expend all efforts to "convince" me. Every time the conversation comes up it ultimately turns into an arguement. After 5 years of marriage and 2 kids she's throwing out divorce because we're on such different pages over this.

Am I being selfish here in not wanting a 3rd kid? Is she completely insane, willing to throw away a good life where she and the kids are basically taken care of over a "What-if" scenario?

[Nhra Firebird]

Sounds like she wants kids so she doesn't have to work

[SeVeReDiStOrTiOn]

Threating divorce because you don't want a 3rd kid...that's a bad sign bro. There's something lacking in your marriage and she thinks having another kid will fill the hole. I'd try making the marriage stronger and see if that changes her tune.


If not she just doesn't wanna work

[Schmalgar]

+1 to that ^^

No, you're definitely not being selfish. Without being sexist, it seems women often focus on just the happy emotional aspects of having another child, leaving the men to consider the real world implications.

But I think the previous post holds some truth as well.

[Detroit Power]

It's confusing because she never really wanted kids. The first was an accident, and once he was about 2 we started trying for a second. We both believe every child should have a sibling. There was definately never talk of a third at any point, although she recalls me saying I wanted a "big" family, although I can't imagine I'd say something like that since i don't feel that way.

I guess this isn't so much what is confusing, but the fact that she is willing to work, at least she says so. We travel to a new state each year but at the end of any CY we could go back to our home location. Entering into the legal field is tough due to state laws changing dependent on location, and also she'd only be working there 11-12 mos. at a maximum. I asked her if we were back home and had a 3rd if she'd be willing to go back to work when the baby was 8 weeks old, and she said "If I had to."

[Selfish me moment] I think I would have to give up what I want (such as a C5) to make her staying home possible due to the financial needs indicated in the first post.

Don't get me wrong, she gave up a lot to be willing to do this travelling. She left behind a house she loved and all her friends, and while we've had some great experiences and seen MANY things/sites we'd never see otherwise (along with the $$$), it's never been easy on her although it has gotten easier to have "temporary" friends for a year at a time.


I don't expect a resolution, but from the responses at least it doesn't seem like I'm crazy here.

[SHines-IT]

Maybe adopt one, an older one IDK... I hear if they have color they come with money?

[knightryda01]

I say spend the cash and get a vasectomy. Then you can bust freely and you will have no idea why she is not getting prego.... lol

Beisdes the longer she stays out of work, the harder it will be to jump back in. Nobody is job safe in this economy. Tell her how much more you can save for your kids if their is 2 incomes vs. one.

You have allowed her to not work this long... she is pushing for as long as possible.

[SHines-IT]

I say spend the cash and get a vasectomy. Then you can bust freely and you will have no idea why she is not getting prego.... lol

Yep, plus they can be reversed at a latter time,

[Detroit Power]

I've told her before I'd go get a vasectomy tomorrow, and her response has always been, "They why haven't you? It's because you actually want a kid, even though you say otherwise."

Actually, it's just a matter of having the time to get the procedure done and recover from it. On these assignments I'm the lead/in-charge and all of last year there was no second-in-command. If I had taken time off more than a day they'd have to fly someone up from the home location to run things.

She was on the Depo shot right after our first but it made her crazy. Since our second was born she's been on the Mirena (sp) inter-uterine thingy. It's good for up to 5 years and there's only like a .001% chance of getting prego while on it ....unless she were to have it removed.


Anyone know if anti-biotics affect it like they do the 'pill'?

(She was on the pill when she got preggers with our first.)


EDIT: She worked a couple times after our first was born for a few hours in the evening, but while she has been a student/stay at home mom she hasn't been employed for 4+ years. This includes while we were back in our house at our home location, while she was in school.

[LimeNine]

sorry.

Sounds like my life several yrs ago.
It took us 10 yrs to pay off her school loans.
Then we have children (triplets) - in her mind, she doesn't have to work.
Except I wanted a wife who was career oriented, but she changed.

Anyway's my triplets are 13yrs old right now.
My car is 12yrs old.

Children are expensive, very expensive.
The cost to support them, entertain them, educate them, cloth them, provide health care for them - PLUS lost income while doing the above.

[LS1WS6]

I've told her before I'd go get a vasectomy tomorrow, and her response has always been, "They why haven't you? It's because you actually want a kid, even though you say otherwise."

Actually, it's just a matter of having the time to get the procedure done and recover from it. On these assignments I'm the lead/in-charge and all of last year there was no second-in-command. If I had taken time off more than a day they'd have to fly someone up from the home location to run things.

She was on the Depo shot right after our first but it made her crazy. Since our second was born she's been on the Mirena (sp) inter-uterine thingy. It's good for up to 5 years and there's only like a .001% chance of getting prego while on it ....unless she were to have it removed.


Anyone know if anti-biotics affect it like they do the 'pill'?

(She was on the pill when she got preggers with our first.)


EDIT: She worked a couple times after our first was born for a few hours in the evening, but while she has been a student/stay at home mom she hasn't been employed for 4+ years. This includes while we were back in our house at our home location, while she was in school.

me thinks either she wasn't on the pill or missed several cause she wanted a kid to trap you or to just "finally have a child she always whated" and well now she wants more... Did you ever ask her why she whats another kid?

[Detroit Power]

me thinks either she wasn't on the pill or missed several cause she wanted a kid to trap you or to just "finally have a child she always whated" and well now she wants more...

With our first (unplanned) she cried for a loooong time about it, so I don't think that's the case. We weren't married at the time, and I told her I wanted to have a child, and that if she was considering abortion that I would rather she have the kid then walk away (from us) versus that option.

Did you ever ask her why she whats another kid?

Of course. She said she doesn't feel complete and doesn't want to be 50 years old and resentful towards me that I took that option from her. Plus, she says it's because I'm such a good dad, which I think is true. I'm very involved with our kids; always have been. Still, in my mind these are not valid reasons. We have a son and a daughter -> the perfect family dynamic. Part of my concern is what if I agreed and she had twins which run in her family, or worse, a special needs child. I think I would always be resentful that we should have quit while we were ahead.

I know the last part probably makes me sound like an aweful person. Like I said, I know I'm being selfish but just can't grasp how a third kid would improve our family any.

[86 IROC-Z]

My wife graduated with a BS this past spring and we got word of how much she owes in loans. About 60k. I got a notice in the mail that one was over-due a week or two ago so I wrote a check for $1,700. Now she gets another in the mail saying she owes $2,400. This is in addition to the 60k. FML.

I have been on an accompanied work assignment for over a year now. The extra per diem money was too good to pass up, along with the work experience. With that extra money we are able to live a very comfortable lifestyle, and when the $700/month student loan pmt comes due in November we'll be able to cover it.

We have 2 kids, ages 17 mos and 4-1/2 years. Here in VA the oldest is in private school and the youngest is cared for by my wife. The agreement was she would get to stay home to raise the kids w/out having to work as long as we were "on the road". Once we went back home and didn't get the per diem anymore, she would go back to work at least part time, telecommuting if possible. Our youngest would be turning 3 around that time so we would be okay with her going into child care. All my wife's income would need to cover is her loan payment and child care. Anything else would be gravy for her. I'd continue to cover the mortgage, future car payments, groceries, utilities, 401k, savings, etc. at least until she started working full time, when she would chip in more.

Anyway, for whatever reason she decided she wants another child. I do not want another kid. It means even less "me" time, more time for the wife to be NOT working and NOT using her degree (legal field), and the stress of being up all-hours of the night, need to buy a bigger house w/ an addtl bedroom, bigger vehicles, etc. All of this costs money that I don't think she fully realizes since I've always covered 90% to 100% of our bills.

She is so dead-set for having a kid she says she'll expend all efforts to "convince" me. Every time the conversation comes up it ultimately turns into an arguement. After 5 years of marriage and 2 kids she's throwing out divorce because we're on such different pages over this.

Am I being selfish here in not wanting a 3rd kid? Is she completely insane, willing to throw away a good life where she and the kids are basically taken care of over a "What-if" scenario?

OP, the first thing I thought of when reading this was what I wrote in this thread, read my post, #27:

http://www.ls1.com/forums/showthread...=141267&page=2

Sounds to me like that's the case with your wife, more interested in being a mom/housewife than beginning a career, even after spending so much money toward getting a career.

[Selfish me moment] I think I would have to give up what I want (such as a C5) to make her staying home possible due to the financial needs indicated in the first post.

It's not selfish. From your posts it sounds like you're a loving and caring father and husband, and you deserve something for providing for your family.

Anyone know if anti-biotics affect it like they do the 'pill'?

(She was on the pill when she got preggers with our first.)

No offense to your wife or any other females, but from what I've seen most girls are terribly uneducated in the importance of take the birth control pill properly. You're supposed to take it at the same time every single day, everyday. However I've seen many girls who miss their dose by 6 hours or more, or even completely miss a dose one day, and all they do to correct it is double up the next day.

And to them, it's just an "oops lol, my bad". They don't wait a few weeks before having sex to ensure the medication is working properly again, or speak with the doctor, or anything. They just go on with life as if nothing happened, seemingly oblivious to the consequences.

This sort of indiscipline with taking the pill, not to mention many other factors that may disrupt it such as other medications(as you said) or the ineffectiveness of the certain type of pill on the girls body, paired with the fact that it's not 100% effective in the first place, makes me think it's a miracle that it works at all.

Of course. She said she doesn't feel complete and doesn't want to be 50 years old and resentful towards me that I took that option from her. Plus, she says it's because I'm such a good dad, which I think is true. I'm very involved with our kids; always have been. Still, in my mind these are not valid reasons. We have a son and a daughter -> the perfect family dynamic. Part of my concern is what if I agreed and she had twins which run in her family, or worse, a special needs child. I think I would always be resentful that we should have quit while we were ahead.

I know the last part probably makes me sound like an aweful person. Like I said, I know I'm being selfish but just can't grasp how a third kid would improve our family any.

It doesn't make you an awful person. It shows that you're logically assessing the possible consequences of having a third child at this point in your life, something that your wife seems unable to do.

[Blackbird WS6]

Is she completely insane, willing to throw away a good life, over a "What-if" scenario?

yes she would....i know this for a fact....then they cry over how bad they have it and in the end we are the bad people

[67CamaroRSSS]

Bitches be crazy...

[Blackbird WS6]

Bitches be crazy...

the same

[Detroit Power]

I ready your post IROC....I don't know if I feel that's exactly our situation, but I can definately agree your point has merit.

The few girls in my degree program probably didn't fit that mold, lol. I've got an AA in Mathematics and a BS in Aerospace Engineering.


Come to think of it, I didn't mention in any of my posts I just applied for a MS in Project Management, with plans to start in the fall (all online, and only 1 class a term since I do work 50+ hours a week, and want the impact to my family kept to a minimum)


Heck, that right there should defer this conversation with my Mrs., at least for a few years.