I've been contemplating the nature of things................

[024mula]

1. Political parties exist to make us feel bad about ourselves, and all situations that we cannot directly control. Then, hold themselves as the only ones to solve that same, self-described situation (William F. Buckley).

2. Anything that is advertised extensively on television can’t be any good. Who advertises more…Honda, General Motors or Ford? (Right now, it seems to be Ford.)

3. It is not against the law to misrepresent anything in advertising. Examples are GNC’s “Focus Factor” to improve the human brain, the “Tornado” for cars.

4. Every people deserves the religion that it allows to govern it.

5. Any movie extensively advertised on TV is a loser. See 1, 2 & 3 above.

6. Definition of a good excuse: “A good excuse is one that can be used over and over again”.

7. Advertising exists for only two reasons: 1) To take money out of your pockets and give it to the company that is paying for the advertisement, and 2) to create a need that didn’t exist before.

8. It is the job of every facet of our economy to generate paperwork. It is the job of the Post Office to deliver that paperwork and charge the consumer to subsidize its delivery. It is the recipient’s job to recycle it.

9. All the advertising in the world, won’t buy quality.

10. Petroleum companies will raise prices as fast as possible while advertising that they must compete on the world market for scarce resources. See 1, 2 & 3 above.

11. Cable TV companies will continue to raise prices while continuing to complain to the FCC about unfair competition.

12. Pay attention to the little problems. If you don’t, they will grow up into much bigger problems and bite you in the butt.

13. Computers are devices that turn little problems into bigger problems very quickly.

14. If you don’t have anything good to say about somebody, say it anyway…it will relieve stress and make you feel better.

15. Avoid cutting yourself when chopping vegetables by getting someone else to hold them.

16. Avoid arguments with girls about putting the toilet seat down by using the sink.

17. To lower high blood pressure, cut yourself, bleed for a few minutes and put on a Band-Aid. Don’t forget to use a timer.

18. A mousetrap on top of the alarm clock will stop you from rolling over and falling asleep after hitting the snooze button.

19. A large dose of laxatives will stop you from coughing.

20. Duct tape and WD-40 are the only tools needed. If it moves and shouldn’t, use the duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD-40.

21. If it can’t be fixed with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.

22. Some people are like Slinkies, they aren’t much good for anything, but bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

[0rion]

23. A virgin never drives a z28
24. If it's got an Adam's apple it's probably a man
25. Never trust a gay gypsy with the palm of your hand
26. Never let a bald man borrow your comb
27. Never fry bacon without a shirt on
28. Cosmo's never in a happy home
29. If he's wearing high heels you might've raised him wrong
30. Always say you love her 'til she lays down the butcher's knife
31. The sign probably don't really mean massage
32. Never threaten anybody in camoflage
33. If you say "I do" be the ugly one
34. A woman rarely aces the drivers test
35. A tank top's never on a billionaire