how would you handle this?

***SMWS6TA*** · 08-24-2009, 01:44 PM

Sorry this is going to be a long post but how would you handle this?

Background: For the last 18 months a combination of events have placed me in the position as Guardian over the care of my neice and 3 nephews. (3 are teenagers, 1 is 10). I have gone from a household of 4 to 8. I have 2 of my own, (boy 14/girl 6). I have taught my niece to drive and get her license.

The twins (nephews) are the same age as my son, all turn 15 in the next 3 months. My niece wants a car, and so do my nephews. My son also would like one to (and he's the one we planned on getting one when he turned 16) I make enough to provide, however I'm not a piggy bank. I have explained this to my niece. She seems to accept it, however her brothers still have no concept of $$. I told my niece that she may use my DD as long as I don't need it. They all know my T/A is out of the questions (wife won't even drive it). I also told her that if she get's a job and saves up I'll help.

The issue: I still plan on buying a car for my son. He is on track to get his Black Belt next yr and is working very hard for it. On top of that he excells at school. I feel he has earned it. Now if I buy him a car and nothing for the others is that right?

**FORD RECOVERY EXPERT** · 08-24-2009, 01:56 PM

Fuck yea thats ok.....

**SHines-IT** · 08-24-2009, 02:04 PM

I am also going to say look into aid from the goverment. If your not someone who deserves it, then no one is. The government gives me Socail Security since my dad passed away for a few years. I see no reason you should not either, since you took them under your wing on short noticed. Also since you have your own kids. I would imagine you can, just to help you out and the kids. Help pay for college, car, etc.

**silverWS6** · 08-24-2009, 02:10 PM

Yea that's fair..
I had to bust my ass to get my car at 16 both working and being good in school and my mom and dad were in the same sitiiation but not as many it was just me, my cousin who is 2 years older and another cousin who is 1 yr younger... but your son deserves that car, if I wouldn't of gotten mine I would've felt real bad which I'm guessing is gonna be his same situation and he sure as hell sounds like a responsible good kid too, keep him in the right track

**86 IROC-Z** · 08-24-2009, 02:41 PM

It's fine buying a car for your own son. Straight up, or having him help pay, either is fine. I think this should be dealt with independently from the other kids (As he is your own flesh & blood).

Also it's fine to buy your niece a car (or at least help, etc). However, with the additional kids, at least the ones needing (I use 'needing' loosely here, it's obviously a privilege) a car in the short term (the twins & your niece), I highly suggest getting each of them a car of the same value, or even better the same car each altogether.

The reason I say this is that if there is a difference, shit will hit the fan. If the older kid gets a nice car and the younger kids get a lesser car, they will raise hell. Likewise, (Yet possibly not as apparent depending on the maturity level of the older child) if the older kid gets a car, and the younger kid subsequently gets a nicer one, this will cause the older kid to be pissed, or at the least feel they aren't as good. The cars you are able to buy may change because of your financial situation at the time each kid gets their license, but teenagers (any many people past my age) don't react well to logic or if they think they're being left out.

Two real life examples:
My roommate (22years old, known him for 4 or five years) always got the hand-me-down cars, which was for a long time an older model Maxima, and more recently a newer Tahoe (Not new to the family, his moms). However as soon as his younger sister turned 16, BAM: Black 5-series in the driveway. Their financial stability hasn't changed in a long time either.

Second example is my own.
I had three thousand in the bank from 2 years of working summer jobs. My dad gave me $600 so I could afford the car I loved at the time (My thirdgen). That car is in my garage waiting to have the head gasket repair finished up. Meanwhile, my younger brother is on his third Jetta (which have each cost $5-7K each, don't ask why a jetta

). He put up $2000 for the first, and that's about it.

Both of these are just to show what can happen; my roommate and I are both older and mature enough to be thankful for what we have instead of whining about what we don't, but I'm sure you can see what something like this can escalate into if you throw a couple "ME ME ME" kids in the mix.

**pajeff02** · 08-24-2009, 03:10 PM

Very cool that you have stepped up like that. We took our nephew in for a few months after he was released from a juvenile detention facility. I dropped something north of $1,000 getting his car back on the road. The moment he had his wheels back he started playing us and I ended up giving him the boot just a few weeks later.

Your kids have to come first in the equation -- sounds like your son has worked hard and deserves it. As long as your neice has the use of the DD, and you are offering to help her out, I think you are going above and beyond the call of duty. Kudos to you and your wife!

**SeVeReDiStOrTiOn** · 08-24-2009, 03:26 PM

Except for your son you'd be doing them all a favor if you make them buy their own cars...they won't know it at the time but you will be. A good work ethic goes a lot farther than some POS first car...and they'll treat said POS better if it's bought from their blood and sweat.

**HOBS** · 08-24-2009, 07:23 PM

I would explain to your niece and nephew that you have a long standing agreement with your son that you would buy him a car and it has nothing to do with their self-worth or your love for them. That being said you could suggest to your niece and nephews that they get jobs and you'll match whatever they want to put towards a car for all three of them(cuz honestly they dont need their own) or they can save their money they earn and buy their own. Oh and screw that gov't aid bullshit not saying that you would/wouldn't get on it I just don't believe in it.

**wheeliE-maxx** · 08-24-2009, 07:25 PM

I would help to pay for the niece and nephew's vehicle if they worked aswell. Not all of the money for them though

**SHines-IT** · 08-24-2009, 07:34 PM

Originally Posted by HOBS

I would explain to your niece and nephew that you have a long standing agreement with your son that you would buy him a car and it has nothing to do with their self-worth or your love for them. That being said you could suggest to your niece and nephews that they get jobs and you'll match whatever they want to put towards a car for all three of them(cuz honestly they dont need their own) or they can save their money they earn and buy their own. Oh and screw that gov't aid bullshit not saying that you would/wouldn't get on it I just don't believe in it.

I beleave if he needs it, then he should look into it... I think it would help him out, as I am sure this hit his pocket. Maybe even look into it for there college or something.

FYI: I am 18 and don't think I deserve it, but the Government sends it to me. I pay my car insuarce with it, put a bit in a savings account, then most goes to my mom. Who lost her job and has been looking for a job. Even doing as much contract type work as posible. Personally I feel gifted enough to have two nice cars at my age and a roof over my head... But I am trying to be smart and sell those cars. Get something more suited to drive everyday and newer.

But none the less, I think he's one if wanted and needed should get aid. Unlike everyone else who abuses it... (I don't know how I feel about my case and many others, being my dad passed away. It's nice but, it should be provided in a different way. Like portion of your school paid for or something.)

**SHines-IT** · 08-24-2009, 07:36 PM

I do beleave with everyone else, that you promissed your son if he worked hard he would get a car. If you decide to honnor that, then the others need to understand. Now you can come up with something else, like you will match what ever they put up to "x" amount. Mostly since you been plaining this for so long and preparing for it. While ther others, no. Would you done the same, if you had them since they where little ones, sure. But you where not prepared and they should understand that.

**ls1blackbeauty98** · 08-25-2009, 04:55 AM

Originally Posted by SeVeReDiStOrTiOn

Except for your son you'd be doing them all a favor if you make them buy their own cars...they won't know it at the time but you will be. A good work ethic goes a lot farther than some POS first car...and they'll treat said POS better if it's bought from their blood and sweat.

**tnthub** · 08-25-2009, 05:19 AM

The lesson that life is not alway fair is always a tough one to learn.

Doing what is right is not the same as doing something in a fair manner.

I remember that one year my grandfather had only one "good" Christmas gift. It was a really good gift... A diamond ring...

There were four girls (all teenagers) to whom he wanted to give this ring. Because he only had one ring and four potential recipients, he obtained three nice but not great presents and along with the ring be placed each present in a separate box (all the same size and all wrapped in newspaper). So there were four boxes, all wrapped in newspaper, all the same size, and he put all four boxes into a bag and had each girl reach in and pull out a box. It was totally fair.

The girl who received the ring was extremely happy. The other three girls complained and were upset.

ALL of us learned a lesson that day about what is fair and what is right. By the end of the day all kids were thankful and we all learned that what my grandfather did was fair to all of us and that he treated everybody equally. We all learned to respect his wisdom and generosity because of the way he handled us. We also learned to be grateful for what we may have and that if someone else has more it is just the way life is and that we need to simply accept it.

I have no words of wisdom for you and your honorable and difficult situation. I can only offer this story as an example of how my grandfather handled a situation that although different than your own is also similiar in that there was not enough "extra" to go around to all.

***SMWS6TA*** · 08-25-2009, 06:40 AM

Originally Posted by SHines-IT

I am also going to say look into aid from the goverment. If your not someone who deserves it, then no one is. The government gives me Socail Security since my dad passed away for a few years. I see no reason you should not either, since you took them under your wing on short noticed. Also since you have your own kids. I would imagine you can, just to help you out and the kids. Help pay for college, car, etc.

Thanks for the input, however I make well enough that I do not need gov't assistance. Taking the kids in has only hurt me in doing side projects like my T/A. I consider their health and well being more important than doing mods on my T/A.

***SMWS6TA*** · 08-25-2009, 06:53 AM

Thanks all fo your input, I don't want to give the impression that my neice and nephews are your typical kids of today = me, me, me. In fact they are the opposite. Also, the kids came to us, not because of abuse, but mostly because of the economy. Short history: Almost 2 yrs ago, they were renting a house, IRS siezed house from owner, told them they had 24 hrs to move out, period. Father loses job couple weeks later, downsizing, has been bouncing thru temp work ever since, not making enough to be able to rent a house, he has moved in with his brother, We took the kids. Even though my brother-n-law is not my favorite person, my nephews and niece, are practicaly my step-kids.

**KahanaReef** · 08-25-2009, 09:01 AM

Originally Posted by SeVeReDiStOrTiOn

Except for your son you'd be doing them all a favor if you make them buy their own cars...they won't know it at the time but you will be. A good work ethic goes a lot farther than some POS first car...and they'll treat said POS better if it's bought from their blood and sweat.

I have to agree there.

To the OP: You already had a 'deal' with your son. Your children always come first.

However, your living situation has changed and a need for harmony within the home will be desired

So, perhaps on the premise of getting a job, good grades, attitude and all the other things that make good bargaining chips... You could strike up deals with the other 3 and match their amount of savings to put toward a car

I don't envy your situation. But, you're doing a good thing. Good luck