Funny Quotes Thread

**waldo** · 12-22-2009, 06:15 AM

I need some laughs so post up some good quotes, I'll start.......

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my friends Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

**chiller2484** · 12-22-2009, 06:19 AM

If you need me, I'll call you.

my father in law uses that one alot when he's about to leave

**waldo** · 12-22-2009, 06:30 AM

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'. -Homer Simpson

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

**damianj03** · 12-22-2009, 10:26 AM

he who goes to sleep with itchy but wakes up with stinky fingers

**Ramairgod84** · 12-22-2009, 10:38 AM

subscribed

**basballny2** · 12-22-2009, 11:27 AM

"yeeeaaaa budddyyyy light weigh babbbyyyy" -Ronnie Coleman
"everybudy wana be a body builder but aint nobody wana lift this heavy ass weight, i do it thoughhhhh yeeaa"-Ronnie Coleman
[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4m_9FFBHcg&feature=related[/ame]

**loasdrums** · 12-22-2009, 12:45 PM

"Soon as I get home, first thing I'm gonna do is punch yo mamma in da mouth!"

**Brian H Drifer** · 12-22-2009, 02:09 PM

one i use at work.... If i wanted it tomorrow i would have called you tomorrow.

**Brian H Drifer** · 12-22-2009, 02:10 PM

Man who fart in church sit in own pew

**Red97GTP** · 12-22-2009, 02:12 PM

If penis's could fly, your ass would be an airport. Bring girls and booze, preferably one inside of the other, your call. Party at my house, bring your liver and something for it to do. She looks like she should be chained to Michael Vicks radiator.

**Brian H Drifer** · 12-22-2009, 02:44 PM

my liver works harder than your honors student

**67CamaroRSSS** · 12-22-2009, 02:53 PM

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

**snaggeltooth** · 12-22-2009, 03:04 PM

Carrie: Actually, my heaviest relationship was with an acid-rock singer... named Robert Crumly. We were together, oh, eight-and-a-half days. God, I really thought that was it.
Bandit: And?
Carrie: One day, I came home and found him in the shower... with a girl... and her mother!
Bandit: Well, at least he kept it in the family.

**Benner** · 12-22-2009, 03:35 PM

Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like eating out your cousin. Sure it tastes the same, but it just isn't right.

If water was vodka and I was a duck, I'd swim to the bottom and never come up.

**snaggeltooth** · 12-22-2009, 03:39 PM

Al Czervik: [to his Asian companion] I hear this place is restricted, Wang, so don't tell 'em you're Jewish, okay?

**86 IROC-Z** · 12-22-2009, 03:47 PM

man who stand on toilet be high on pot

**fbod91** · 12-22-2009, 08:46 PM

this is the internet where the men are men, the woman are men and the children are fbi agents

**opie** · 12-23-2009, 02:57 AM

May trouble follow you your entire life, but never catch up!

I feel sorry for those who do not drink. Because when they wake up in the morning that is as good as they are going to feel all day.

**Smkn_TA** · 12-23-2009, 04:59 AM

I spent all my money on Booze and Women, the rest I just blew.

**waldo** · 12-23-2009, 08:06 AM

o Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
o Witness: "I only have one, you know."
________________________________________
o Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
o Witness: "No."
o Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
o Witness: "No."
o Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
o Witness: "No."
o Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
o Witness: "No."
o Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
o Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
o Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
o Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."