1 and 1 on the day

**0rion** · 12-15-2009, 10:43 PM

I've had a 3 day battle going with the x-mas tree places around here. There's a place we used to go to that was a "cut your own" place. Cost $20 for a tree no matter what size. Was pretty cool when it was just me and the wife. It was a 45 minute drive through the hills and we'd just make a day out of it. Go down and walk around through the farm and find our tree. I'd cut it down and load it into the truck and we'd stop for dinner on the way home. Just an all around good time. Then the kids came. Now you're walking around watching them step in every mud puddle between the truck and the tree. End up carrying a tree and 2 kids back because they're too tired to make the walk. They're also too muddy to stop and eat at any place other than fast food.
Fast forward and the last 2 years we've went to a tree farm where they already have the tree cut and you can buy popcorn and hot chocolate for the kids so it was a good family outting. The last 2 years have kinda bothered me because they charge too damn much for the tree. This year I put my foot down. I'm not paying $55 for some ratty ass small tree and the bigger tree's like I want are $75+. Not gonna do it. They don't make a $75 x-mas tree in my world.
We drove up to Columbus today and went to a store and bought a nice full fresh cut 8' tree for $30. Win. I beat the tree system.
Get home. Put it in the holder and get it lined up exactly vertical ( after 4 fights with the wife about how anal I am about it) and lock it down in the holder. My daughter was dying to help so I had her running me big glasses of water back and forth from the bathroom sink to me and I was pouring them into the base. After about 4 trips my wife says the base should be full. I stick my finger of the side and it's about 2" from the top so I send the daughter running water again. 4 more trips and my wife says it should be full. Stick my finger in and it's 1" from the top so I send the daughter running water again. 3 more trips and my wife says to check the level. Still about an inch from the top but I notice that I've spilled quite a bit of water on the floor....more than I thought I did. Get to looking and the som bitch is leaking out the backside. I got to hear it from the wife the rest of the night about how hard headed I am and don't listen to her. Normally that would bother me but I really wasn't paying that much attention to her.

Loss.

**Y2KPewterSS** · 12-15-2009, 10:48 PM

Have you not seen the invisible ear plugs on the market now days. I have them at my store. I will send you a set of them for Christmas. You can't tell you have them in, you can just nod your head and pretend to be listening to her, but in reality you aren't hearing a damn word she says.

Win

If she ever catches on to you not hearing her, just tell her all that vacuuming has really deteriorated your hearing.

Win again

**0rion** · 12-15-2009, 10:50 PM

Originally Posted by Y2KPewterSS

Have you not seen the invisible ear plugs on the market now days. I have them at my store. I will send you a set of them for Christmas. You can't tell you have them in, you can just nod your head and pretend to be listening to her, but in reality you aren't hearing a damn word she says.

Win

If she ever catches on to you not hearing her, just tell her all that vacuuming has really deteriorated your hearing.

Win again

I don't really need them. After years and years of working around industrial air compressors I can barely hear shit now.

**c5z28** · 12-15-2009, 10:50 PM

If your wife keeps complaining say you were only helping the little one feel important.

**KahanaReef** · 12-15-2009, 10:52 PM

I'm the perfectionist around here. So, I do everything myself. That way I have no one notice or call me out on it

I miss tree hunting days with the kids. Good memories

**0rion** · 12-15-2009, 11:01 PM

I'm not gonna start a new thread for my next story of the week but here's another one from 2 days ago.
My daughter swallowed a penny on my watch. My son was the reporter that had the scoop on it. He came up to me and said "dad, Chloe swallowed a penny." I ran into the other room to make sure she wasn't choking or something and she was smiling like she'd just had a pb&j sammich. After I gave her the riot act for putting a penny in her mouth I immediately thought that I need to get to my wife before my son does because this is something that I'm gonna have to break to her the proper way because since she's a nurse she see's all the horror stories behind shit like this. I mean you'd be surprised at what the simplest shit around the house will do to some people. Granted, it has to be a small percetage because I ate pocket change like it was bacon when I was a kid. I don't need my son breaking the story before I did.
My wife was asleep since she works nights but unlike my son I have a concept of time. I waited until about 10 minutes before she got up and told Zach he needed to go up and pick up the toys in his room. Sucker.
My wife gets up and I wait until she's fully awake and has her coffee and whatever else I think it'll take to get her mind operating at 100% capacity. You just don't hit a half asleep mom with "chloe swallowed a penny". You have to build to it. I did. Came away much better than I thought. Only got one story about how she had a patient one time that was in their 20's that was having throat problems from scarring they got from swalling a penny as a child.
After all that is said and done the thing that's bothered me the most is this missing penny. Chloe has taken 3 dumps in the last 2 days and I've had a front row seat for every one of them hoping to see the penny exit. Still no penny. It's like when you put money in a soda machine, make your selection, and you can hear the can rattling around in the machine. What do you do? Stand there and watch for it to drop. That's what I've been doing the last couple of days. Still no penny. My wife has been asking me about penny updates the last couple of days and I know if the penny don't drop soon I'm getting another nursing horror story.
The other messed up side of this is I'm a grown man looking into a toilet after my little girl takes a crap trying to find a penny. I'm hoping that it wasn't in a poo cocoon and I missed it altogether. If it doesn't show up in a day or so I'm gonna just drop a penny in there myself when my wife is home and show her it made the journey.

**c5z28** · 12-15-2009, 11:05 PM

I have this image of an old man fingering some little kids poo.

**0rion** · 12-15-2009, 11:07 PM

Originally Posted by c5z28

I have this image of an old man fingering some little kids poo.

I won't go there.... I just eyeball it real good.

Messed up ain't it?

**basballny2** · 12-15-2009, 11:09 PM

great stories, especially liked the 2nd one

**basballny2** · 12-15-2009, 11:10 PM

Originally Posted by c5z28

I have this image of an old man fingering some little kids poo.

i had the image of him sitting there poking at shit with a knife

**c5z28** · 12-15-2009, 11:13 PM

Yep Sarge has a lot of reading to do by the time he gets back.

**KahanaReef** · 12-15-2009, 11:13 PM

Originally Posted by 0rion

Messed up ain't it?

Parenthood... ain't it grand

**0rion** · 12-15-2009, 11:14 PM

the first time or two was pretty funny. I'm looking and looking and my daughter says "what ya looking for dad?" and I say "a penny". Know what I'm saying? Just comical if you're able to step back from it. Probably scar my daughter mentally for life.

**Hi-Po** · 12-15-2009, 11:26 PM

**chuckie669** · 12-16-2009, 03:47 AM

Maybe she'll poo a dime... Then you can tell your wife ya'll made 10% profit.

**Smittro** · 12-16-2009, 03:53 AM

Originally Posted by 0rion

I've had a 3 day battle going with the x-mas tree places around here. There's a place we used to go to that was a "cut your own" place. Cost $20 for a tree no matter what size. Was pretty cool when it was just me and the wife. It was a 45 minute drive through the hills and we'd just make a day out of it. Go down and walk around through the farm and find our tree. I'd cut it down and load it into the truck and we'd stop for dinner on the way home. Just an all around good time. Then the kids came. Now you're walking around watching them step in every mud puddle between the truck and the tree. End up carrying a tree and 2 kids back because they're too tired to make the walk. They're also too muddy to stop and eat at any place other than fast food.
Fast forward and the last 2 years we've went to a tree farm where they already have the tree cut and you can buy popcorn and hot chocolate for the kids so it was a good family outting. The last 2 years have kinda bothered me because they charge too damn much for the tree. This year I put my foot down. I'm not paying $55 for some ratty ass small tree and the bigger tree's like I want are $75+. Not gonna do it. They don't make a $75 x-mas tree in my world.
We drove up to Columbus today and went to a store and bought a nice full fresh cut 8' tree for $30. Win. I beat the tree system.
Get home. Put it in the holder and get it lined up exactly vertical ( after 4 fights with the wife about how anal I am about it) and lock it down in the holder. My daughter was dying to help so I had her running me big glasses of water back and forth from the bathroom sink to me and I was pouring them into the base. After about 4 trips my wife says the base should be full. I stick my finger of the side and it's about 2" from the top so I send the daughter running water again. 4 more trips and my wife says it should be full. Stick my finger in and it's 1" from the top so I send the daughter running water again. 3 more trips and my wife says to check the level. Still about an inch from the top but I notice that I've spilled quite a bit of water on the floor....more than I thought I did. Get to looking and the som bitch is leaking out the backside. I got to hear it from the wife the rest of the night about how hard headed I am and don't listen to her. Normally that would bother me but I really wasn't paying that much attention to her.

Loss.

$275.00 FTW = 7' artificial, no water, no needles in your feet, and no critters suddenly deciding it's warm enough to climb/fly out..

**Too Fast** · 12-16-2009, 04:09 AM

^^^shit (pun intended)..........that's not a 10% gain, more like a 1000% gain!

Anyway, we went to a Christmas tree farm this year, cut down a tree after much looking for the perfect one, watching the kids test the frozen water on top of mud. Yes, Kyle was able to break it and get muddy! He is 4 and Natalie is 7. We had a hay ride to the tree growing area, there was a fire there and back where they net the tree, and to top it off, Santa pulled the wagon! $48, other places with no hay ride were about $10 cheaper.