Results 1 to 9 of 9

Thread: Chili Cook off

  1. #1
    Peckerhead Knighthawk LS1's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Loveland, CO
    Posts
    2,509

    Black
    1999 Trans am

    Chili Cook off

    If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly.

    -------
    If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL.

    Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."


    Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

    ************************************************** ***

    CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...


    Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
    Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
    Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

    ************************************************** ***

    CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...


    Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
    Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
    Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

    ************************************************** ***

    CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...


    Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
    Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
    Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

    ************************************************** ***

    CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...



    Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods not much of a chili.
    Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

    ************************************************** ***


    CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

    Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable ! kick. Very impressive.
    Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    Judge # 3 -- My ! ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

    ************************************************** ***

    CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

    Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
    Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
    Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

    ************************************************** ***

    CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

    Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
    Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

    ************************************************** ***

    CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

    Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
    Judge # 3 - No Report

  2. #2
    Impounded 86 IROC-Z's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    .
    Age
    35
    Posts
    11,676

    Everything fiberglass
    2005 Amberlamps


  3. #3
    Peckerhead Knighthawk LS1's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Loveland, CO
    Posts
    2,509

    Black
    1999 Trans am

    Quote Originally Posted by 86 IROC-Z View Post

  4. #4
    2002 Formula Firehawk 96z28's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    San Diego CA
    Age
    41
    Posts
    1,342

    Black
    2002 Formula Firehawk

    im still in last week. hahah poor guy

  5. #5
    Member bruiser55's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Location
    Tennessee
    Posts
    229

    Silver
    2002 Silverado

    Good joke...but I beat ya to it.

    http://ls1.com/forums/showthread.php?t=65563

  6. #6
    SCPO - Retired joerockhead's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Mile High
    Posts
    2,517

    BlackCherry
    Bad Ass 67 Camaro / 2010

    Quote Originally Posted by 86 IROC-Z View Post
    Last Year!!!

    You gotta remember, this boy is working on the EOS video!!!! (I hope!)

  7. #7
    Peckerhead Knighthawk LS1's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Loveland, CO
    Posts
    2,509

    Black
    1999 Trans am

    Quote Originally Posted by joerockhead View Post
    Last Year!!!

    You gotta remember, this boy is working on the EOS video!!!! (I hope!)
    Its LS1.com - Delinquent Behavior

  8. #8
    Impounded
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    Oak Harbor
    Posts
    5

    Black
    2002

    Well i think the video was just canceled, maybe haven't decided yet

  9. #9
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Colorado
    Age
    42
    Posts
    2,924

    pie
    free

    Quote Originally Posted by COWhiskey View Post
    Well i think the video was just canceled, maybe haven't decided yet

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Similar Threads

  1. MECA Member of the Month - Steve Cook
    By Ed Blown Vert in forum Stereo and Electronics
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 09-09-2010, 06:32 AM
  2. Summer Beach Cook Out (6/20 in Ontario)
    By masterZ28 in forum Western Members
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 06-19-2009, 06:14 PM
  3. Founder of Chili's, and many others, Dead at 78.
    By FORD RECOVERY EXPERT in forum Almost Anything Goes
    Replies: 10
    Last Post: 06-16-2009, 04:58 AM
  4. Texas Chili Contest joke
    By bruiser55 in forum Almost Anything Goes
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 10-04-2007, 01:35 PM
  5. post some favorite thing you like to cook that kiks ass
    By SLIM_DURST in forum Almost Anything Goes
    Replies: 21
    Last Post: 06-09-2007, 01:19 AM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •