Brady Campaign to Stop Car Violence (non-political)

[KC&97TA]

Brady Campaign to Stop Car Violence: Election Is Mandate for Race Car Ban

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Brady Campaign to Stop Car Violence:
Election Is Mandate for Race Car Ban


(BENEZRA) The Republican-led Brady Campaign to Stop Car Violence announced today that the results of last week's election, which gave control of the Senate and House to Democrats, show that the public is demanding a ban on race cars.

"Race cars have no legitimate transportation purpose," said Republican Paul Helmke, head of the Brady Campaign. "You don't need a Ford Focus to tow a boat. It would pull the boat to smithereens." He added, "We're not trying to take anybody's cars, we just want to get deadly race cars like the Ford Focus and Honda Civic off the streets."

In an appearance with Senator Dianne Feinstein (DLC-CA), activists explained why banning race cars is so important. "Unlike conventional cars, race cars don't have to be steered, but merely pointed in the general direction of where you want to go," explained Tom Diaz of the Vehicle Policy Center (VPC). "And the rear wings on these cars enable them to slide sideways around corners."

"I'm tired of 13-year-olds running down 8-year-olds with NASCAR stockers," said a spokesperson for the Democratic Leadership Council, which has made the race-car ban its top legislative priority since the early 1990's. "We need to get these deadly race cars off the streets. They are the transportation of choice for bank robbers and drunk drivers."

"Race cars like the Honda Civic are truly vehicles of mass destruction whose only purpose is to outrun as many police cars as possible without having to refuel," added John Rosenthal, head of the Massachusetts-based Stop Car Violence. "Many of these cars are designed to go 350 mph."

Helmke also noted that if someone snapped and went on a road rage incident, driving a Civic would make them much more dangerous than if they were driving a more conventional vehicle like a Chevrolet Suburban. "This is just common sense car control. Our bill doesn't affect responsible car owners. We're not trying to take away anybody's Hummer H2; our bill specifically targets race cars like the Mazda 3."

Incoming senate Democrat Jim Webb, an opponent of the ban who recently defeated Allen Macacawitz in the Virginia senate race, objected to the proposed ban. "Banning sport compact cars is stupid, doesn't help address drunk driving, and is guaranteed to piss off car owners. Congress has bigger fish to fry, like figuring out what to do with Iraq, helping people who don't have health insurance, and stopping the flood of jobs going overseas."

Feinstein dismissed Webb's concerns as right-wing gibberish. "Everybody knows that the #1 threat to this country is people driving race cars on the highway," she said. "Al Qaida wants to buy Honda Civics with wings so they can destroy our freedom. They hate us for our freedom. Oh, wait, that was George's line."

President George W. Bush, a supporter of the Race Car Ban, said he'd sign the ban if it gets to his desk. "I don't think its a good thing in our society for people to have these cars," said the President, reading from a Teleprompter. "It's just Unammerican. They should drive pickup trucks instead. Only terrorists and illegals would want to drive Civics." He added that no civilian car needs a rear wing. "You know, wings are for flying, and, uh, cars aren't supposed to fly."

The Race Car Ban of 2006 bans all compact cars with two or more of the following racing features:

Four valves per cylinder
Aerodynamic spoiler or wing that protrudes conspicuously above the trunk lid or rear deck
Air dam
Hood scoop
Chrome exhaust tip
Levitation lights
Afterburner


The Race Car Ban would also ban the following race cars by name:

Honda Civic (all models)
Subaru Impreza WRX
Mitsubushi Lancer (all models)
Honda S2000
Volvo S40
Mazda 3 and Protoge
Toyota Corolla
Scion (all models)
Saturn Ion
Bentley Speed 8
NHRA Top Fuel dragster
Caterpillar D9
Boeing 737
Airbus A380


In order to reassure car owners, the bill's sponsors included a long list of non-race cars that are not affected by the legislation:

BMW 3-series
Cadillac CTS-V
Cadillac Escalade
Chevrolet Suburban and Tahoe
Ford Edsel
Ford Model T
Ford Mustang (without wing and spoiler)
Ford F-150
Hummer (all models)
Jeep Cherokee
John Deere Tractor
Kenworth T2000
Sopwith Camel


The bill also makes it a felony to own a car manufactured after Sept. 14th, 1994, that has a fuel capacity of more than ten U.S. gallons of fuel.


(by benEzra. Permission granted to repost elsewhere in its entirety.)

[tonyjnjz]

lol..where the hell did u get this from??? its goofy....i was fairly amused reading it at the begining though

[KC&97TA]

In a related story, the budget of the BATFE&WETGTIBFY (Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, Explosives, & Whatever Else The Government Thinks Is Bad For You) was tripled this morning in order to ramp up their enforcement of the new legislation.

The Bureau's director announced that their highest priority would be any car, truck or SUV with a black paint job. "These lethal assault cars are a menace that needs to be removed from our nation's highways immediately." Also on the Bureau's list are aftermarket accessories such as 'cop-killer' bumpers.

[astyles]

thats some funny stuff

[snaggeltooth]

man I cant keep the Afterburner .....

[nitrox28]

Too bad that guy didn't kill Bradys wife I hate that cunt.

[whoa guy]

uhh..... what the hell did i just read?

[whoa guy]

Levitation lights uh.... what>!?!

[Wulfe13]

I think its just a typo.... Rice Cars not Race Cars.

[langss]

Years ago I wrote Feinstein a letter regarding her policy on "Gun Control".I got back a "Form" letter that in so many words told me I was "F**ked up for asking her to Support The Second Amendment.She is a real piece of work that one.

[third_shift|studios]

fine by me, put a ban on all the 4cyls